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Comments
Two
girls, Cassandra Stone and Natalie Davies, sat by themselves at lunch.
They leaned towards each other to allow for a hushed tone. “. . . But
it’s so lame, though,” said Natalie. “Am I right?”
I guess,” said Cassandra. “I don’t know him, though.” She ran icy
fingers along her forehead what made them icy? unless she's touching someone else, or you drive the point further that its cold out, you might want to spare this detail, brushing her black bangs out of her eyes and
wishing she’d brought money for coffee.
Natalie; Natalie was much too sensitive for that. She brushed hair out
of her eyes again, this time flicking it away in a quick, annoyed
motion.
After that, Natalie and Cassandra just sat there for a minute, neither
really knowing what to say. Cassandra even slumped forward onto the
table without sitting up again. The clomping of dirty sneakers and the
carefree yelling in the cafeteria became even louder (Cassandra thought
she might have heard some kid say “guess who’s creeeeeepin’” in
an obnoxious, freshman-y tone of voice) Odd detail. Sailed over my head, so that by the time Natalie
thought of something to say, she nearly had to yell herself.
groaned and pushed herself upright. “Mm, no, not really,” she said. She
wiped a piece of salad out of her bangs without a thought, half-glaring
at Natalie (though Natalie would never have caught on).
are guys not enough for you anymore, Natalie?” A scrawny, short kid
with messy brown hair, a “That’s What She Said” shirt, and a
self-satisfied grin on his face said this as he stood behind Natalie‘s
chair. You're info dumping again. too much in one sentence.
off, Derek,” Natalie said. “No one was talking to you.” She said this
with a straight face and without glancing back at him. She sounded
almost as worn out as Cassandra.
Uh... make a separate paragraph. don't mix input from characters in the same paragraph “You’re so mean. Lighten up.” He attempted to pat her head, but she
caught his wrist. At this point, she could have done God knows what, but
she held her stony glare on him instead, still clutching his wussy
little arm.
sent him to the ground with a downward pull. He tried to shake out of
her grip, teeth grinding, but she barely moved; she only had average
strength, but the sheer difference in size between her and Derek, plus
her superior leverage, subdued him. She dug her nails in and drew some
blood, in plain view of about twenty people, and twice as many could
hear Derek rolling around and slapping the floor with his free hand, but
no one cared. Even the two teachers on lunch duty went on with their
chatting, and they had turned to make sure of what was happening too. “OH FUCK STOP,” Derek said. Paragraph break Derek's line. It'll add more power to it.
of stopping, Natalie stood from her chair, placed her foot between
Derek’s shoulder blades, and pulled his arm back like a rusty lever. She
was gritting her teeth from the effort, or perhaps from repressed
frustration, and he was shrieking. Cassandra was half-asleep, with her
head resting in her hands, which was unfortunate for Derek, since she
could have easily convinced Natalie to release him This is telling, not showing. Thirty seconds more,
and one of the teachers sighed and strolled over to the scene.
Cassandra thought before nodding off. Natalie looked at the teacher,
her expression softening. She let go . . . but not before snapping
Derek’s elbow with a final downward jerk. His still-louder yell was cut
off as he passed out.
it is, you’re getting a late night detention because calling in Officer
Strontham and explaining how no one saw this is gonna be a bitch.” The
teacher went back to where he was, and everyone else kept eating (or
sleeping) while Derek kept bleeding.
you missed it, then,” Natalie said. “You shoulda heard the little
faggot scream. I mean you literally should‘ve heard it, it was so obnoxious and
loud.” Natalie got a tissue out of her purse and began wiping blood
from under her fingernails. “By the way, are you sure you don’t want
some coffee?” I'd love to see more XD
Vendal opened his eyes. Dark
surroundings, very dark. Behind him to his sides, crackling fire. Torches.
Vendal sat up in his futon. His vision
clearing, he looked around once more. Another cave. Dim though the
light was, basic features could be inferred. Two long passages. Low
ceiling, smooth granite walls. No stalactites.
Vendal opened his eyes. His view was dark, very dark. Behind him to his sides, he heard crackling fire. It sounded like torches.
He sat up in his futon. Vision clearing, he looked around once more. It was another cave. Dim though the light was, basic features could be inferred. Two long passages in front, a low ceiling, and smooth granite walls. No stalactites in sight.
And as with every genre, it sucks a lot of the time.