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General writing discussion.

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Comments

  • 700 words to go, and I will have 50k words. That will mean I will have full novel, and only 10k less words than my outline of the entire story.

    Jeebus.

    And then I get to edit it. 

    I am way too excited about this.

    If only I could draw, I could actually get some crit on it that doesn't become all confusing due to how much of the script is fair game.
  • edited 2011-10-18 21:13:46
    They're somethin' else.
    I'd like some critique on this piece, in the point of view of a stand up comedian reanimated a la Futurama:

    “But if you guys could just let me die would really mean a lot” (laughter) “Just a thought. Just a suggestion. Uh, but seriously though, if you have any say in it, say so. I’ve been alive for too long, man, you don’t need my brain uploaded to some artificial body. I’m outdated, I’m a government approved celebrity now. It’s –just, —game over, man. Just, fuckin’, game over.” (aww) “Okay, maybe I’m not entirely outdated. I mean if I keep seeing the same old song and dance, right?”

    “I mean, aren’t you tired of it? When you’re flipping channels, aren’t you tired of hearing about all this rape and murder happening in our neighborhoods? Aren’t you tired of being aware of our government’s backdoor shenanigans? (laughter) In fact, what the fuck, you guys still need a government? (Applause) Ah-ah, let me finish. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m just an undead cyborg stand up comedian, but, look at me. LOOK AT ME. We’ve come THIS far and you still need a bunch of suits to boss you around?” (Applause) “What IS that?!”

    “I know I tire of it. Flipping channels, and finding my heroes and my rock stars hocking products, to the songs of my people. Songs of fucking rebellion, man. Reduced to advertisement jingles, and my heroes hocking products from beyond the grave. My heroes, worth twenty dollars on a fucking T shirt. Christ, man. In fact, how many of you are wearing one of my t-shirts right now? By round of applause, lets hear it. (Applause, chanting) … Yeah, fuck you too.” (laughter)

    “While we’re on the subject of dead heroes and the people that love them, you think that, maybe, our heroes had to die? That maybe collectively, it was for our own good? Just to keep them sane, just to keep us angry at the status quo? (applause) Shh, shh. I don’t mean to start with the Christ comparisons, but, if you guys love me that much: Kill me. (laughter) Tch, yeah. This jar’s bullet proof glass, a lotta good that’ll do me. “(laughter, applause)

    “Seriously, though. How long am I gonna have to save face? How long do I have to keep thanking you all for being here. How long do I have to keep pretending like I give a pit about my sheeple? I-I mean, give a shit (Applause, Laughter, chanting) Ah, who am I kidding, thank you, you’ve been good! THINK DANGEROUSLY, LIVE DANGEROUSLY, WE LOVE YOU, GOOD NIGHT!”
  • No rainbow star
    In an rp, I'm controlling an anthropomorphic humming bird. She was hit by her girlfriend (Who is normal sized - The humming bird is the size of a humming bird) and had her wing broken. Seeing as how she has never been hit before in her life and seeing as how her girlfriend could crush her if she so desired, is it realistic for her to suddenly be fearful and act almost slave like to keep from upsetting her girldriend again? Note that her mother is dead and her father is a homophobe who doesn't know she is a lesbian
  • They're somethin' else.
    Do they fight crime?

    ^^ Also, can someone critique, please?
  • edited 2011-10-21 00:38:17
    No rainbow star
    ^ ...Huh? No they don't fight crime...?

    And I wish I could give a good critique, but seeing as how I thought Twilight was well written until about a day after reading it, I may not be the best choice
  • They're somethin' else.
    Uhh... okay.
  • No rainbow star
    So, spell systems. They are a pain in the ass

    Any recommendations? My spell system uses seven elements. There are roughly 50 symbols that can be used, but the key ones are Light, Earth, Fire, Water, Wind, Dark, and Illusion (IE the God Element). It works by drawing out the symbol in the air - This influences the life energy used to make the spell, turning it into a different element - A mix is often required for more advanced spells, saying certain words - This influences the specifics of the spell - and singing said words in a certain way - this chooses the style of spell (single target, self, wave, orb, beam, explosion, etc.)

    Typically Light is healing, Earth is defensive, Fire is offensive, Water is trickery, Wind is status, and Dark is also offensive, but a more underhanded version (so sort of a cross between water and fire)

    My issue is coming up with spells (which is... Yeah. See the Daimos RP for why this is bad). Any suggestions for spells? This is what I have so far:

    Spells

    Vnvnla Vrdata
    -Translation: Orb (of) Fire
    A low damage attack, it uses a fire symbol and a quick recant of the key words
    --Difficulty: Beginner
    --Type: Offense
    --Cost: Low
    --Symbol: Fire
    --Tune: L-L-L-H-H-H
    --Duration: Instant

    Sautn Mnaut
    -Translation: Minor Heal
    Repairs scrapes, shallow cuts, and bruises. Uses Light and a calm incantation
    --Difficulty: Beginner
    --Type: Support
    --Cost: Low
    --Symbol: Light
    --Tune: L-ML-P-ML-M
    --Duration: Better healing the longer it is used for

    Jtuoo Mnaut Dento
    -Translation: Double Jump
    Gives the receiver a single mid air boost if they attempt to jump in the air. Uses Wind symbol and a high-low incantation
    --Difficulty: Novice
    --Type: Support
    --Cost: Medium Low
    --Symbol: Wind
    --Tune: MH-H-H-P-M-MH-P-M-MH-ML
    --Duration: Up to an hour to use the second jump

    Vnautau Mnaut
    -Translation: Little Sight
    Robs the target of some of their sight. More energy put into it the longer the effect lasts
    --Difficulty: Beginner
    --Type: Support
    --Cost: Variable
    --Symbol: Dark
    --Tune: M-M-M-P-M-M
    --Duration: Variable

    Vledon Mnaut Saita
    -Translation: Little Dark Blade
    A single sharp edge is formed out of pure darkness
    --Difficulty: Novice
    --Type: Offensive
    --Cost: Low
    --Symbol: Dark
    --Tune: M-MH-M-ML-L-P-ML-M
    --Duration: Up to an hour

    Aljr Crnta
    -Translation: Deity's Light
    It repels dark creatures and soothes the soul while lighting the way
    --Difficulty: Master
    --Type: Miscellaneous
    --Cost: Variable
    --Symbol: Light\Life
    --Tune: H-M-L-M-M
    --Duration: Variable. The strength and duration depends on the energy you put in, however, so you can have a long lasting, low burn, or a short, fast burn that you will have to cut off fast

    Thina Vrdata
    -Translation: Fire Shield
    Creates a wall of flame in front of the caster, blocking spells for the initial burst. Does not block water spells
    --Difficulty: Intermediate/Expert
    --Type: Fire
    --Cost: Average
    --Symbol: Fire
    --Tune: L-M-M-M-P-M
    --Duration: 2 sec. int. burst, up to 5 min. burn

    Vnasna Sala
    -Translation: Thunder Force
    Creates a lightning bolt. The strength of the bolt depends on the energy put in
    --Difficulty: Intermediate
    --Type: Lightning/Wind
    --Cost: Average High min.
    --Symbol: Tri Thunder
    --Tune: L-M-MH-MH-P-M-MH
    --Duration: Instant

    Vnctalp Thcaiti
    -Translation: Quick Freeze
    Creates a cone of cold that freezes the area within it
    --Difficulty: Intermediate
    --Type: Ice/Water
    --Cost: Average
    --Symbol: Tri Ice
    --Tune: M-HPM-M-P-L
    --Duration: 10 sec. freeze
  • You can change. You can.
    @Schitzo: I like it, although I can't help but feel that I was reading a bad Bill Hicks routine. (Too much criticism, much less funny)

    Make of that what you will
  • You can change. You can.
    So, I've been struggling with the villain's motivation in my story.

    The idea so far is that he wants vengeance on Jack because he lost his family and he feels that Jack should feel the same pain he suffered because they commited the same deeds during the war.

    However, I feel this is way too flimsy and don't want him to be a psychopath. The good thing is that I have a backstory, though.
  • No rainbow star
    ^ Can we hear the full backstory? Might help with motivation
  • You can change. You can.
    Well, it's not entirely big and I wanna keep it vague.

    Anyway, the idea is that Jack Davies is a war veteran. He fought in the war and commited various war crime under orders. As such he wasn't prosecuted by the government's attorneys, but he was brought to a psychiatrist to deal with obvious issues that come after that, such as PTSD and so on. And then was discharged. After this he made a life of his own with a family and all that jazz.

    However, his family was kidnapped by Richard Boyd, who fought alongside him in the war.

    The thing is, I dunno what to make of Richard. Part of me wants to make him a psychopath who kidnaps Jack's family simply because his family was murdered and feels like this is somehow related to their role in the war. Another part of me thinks that Richard should be a man who wants both Jack and him to pay for their crimes in a twisted way. And the last part of me wants to keep it as ambiguous as the war and country they fought for.
  • They're somethin' else.
    @ Juan: That was the point. He was sacrificing funny for trying to tell off his sheeple to no avail.
  • No rainbow star
    Juan: Possible that Boyd wasn't treated and just snapped during the war? Could be sympathetic in that he was brushed aside by the system, and gives a bit more reasoning

    Probably still flimsy, but not as flimsy
  • You can change. You can.
    @Schitzo: Then it does its work. 

    @Icalasari: i'm not sure if I want to do that. The problem is that it makes Richard look like a dick without a real motivation behind insanity. OTOH, it's not an entirely bad idea.
  • Editing:

    Page 1 was: 283 words

    Page 1 now is (without the addition of the dialogue): 700 words.

    --

    ...I feel sorry for the future illustrator, suddenly.
  • No rainbow star
    I want to rewrite a character in my game universe. Specifically one of the deities

    She has been a pain to balance and not make a Mary Sue, so a little help?

    She was born when a human played Reality's Harp (a trap set up by Order). Things didn't go Order's way and the deity (Humality) ended up influenced by her human 'father', who was a kind man. Due to how the song played works, Humality ended up in a new pantheon, which meant she has the full power of a single pantheon (a pantheon usually has the power split between roughly seven deities). A single pantheon has enough power to rival Order (in fact, one pantheon used her own power against her to seal her way because she is a proud git who sealed the majority of her powers in a harp)

    Now humans in Illusoria are slightly different than the ones on Earth. For example, they have sharper hearing and value music. Humality, due to her dual human/god nature, represents balance, with a minor in music due to human influence

    She can split into six different forms (splitting her power as well), each representing an emotion and each having a unique instrument

    So any issues so far? Some deities have taken multiple roles (Betotter for example is Emotion, Sloth, and Water), but I'm worried Humality is a little too skilled. Any way to limit her power while still letting her rival Order when needed?
  • One foot in front of the other, every day.
    Ica, my biggest question is "why?". I get the appeal of the fantastic, mind, but I'm wondering what sort of themes you're going with there and what tension you want to set up.
  • MORONS! I'VE GOT MORONS ON MY PAYROLL!
    So I'm trying the idea of a one-page exposition before getting into the story proper. Someone tell me how this is.

    Hello. My name is Jack Masters. Welcome
    to my rubbish life.





    See, I live in the The Big Apple. No,
    not the Big Apple you're thinking of. Actually, come to think of it,
    it is the Big Apple you're thinking of. It's just not the real Big
    Apple. It's the New York City made manifest by collective perceptions
    of the city. It's more or less the same, with a few differences here
    or there. A few parts of the city look like Vancouver and you're less
    likely to go out at night in this Big Apple, but the principle's
    basically the same. Dreams can still be made or broken in this
    wonderful and heartless town, and it's where many of us Ideas call
    home.





    As for me, I'm relatively new to town.
    I've taken over the family business. I'll do almost anything for a
    price. Almost anything. See, it's because I can do anything.
    Literally. You name it, I can do it. Karate, flying a jumbo jet,
    Japanese tea ceremonies, anything. The trouble is, whatever is I'm
    doing I'll only ever be strictly average at it.





    What makes me so great is that I'm
    versatile, a rare skill in the world of Ideas. It's that versatility
    that made my Great-Great-Grandfather decide to open up the Masters
    Odd Job shop. As the most recent successor I'll do anything... for a
    price.

  • edited 2011-10-31 02:56:57
    One foot in front of the other, every day.
    It's very interesting, particularly in the second and third paragraphs. Just get rid of this:


    It's just not the real Big Apple. It's the New York City made manifest by collective perceptions
    of the city.



    You want to explain it through implication. You might not even want to make it clear until well into the work. A part of what makes this kind of thing work is when the audience comes to their own appreciation of the fact. If it's just flung at them obviously and at the beginning, it feels kinda cheap.
  • MORONS! I'VE GOT MORONS ON MY PAYROLL!
    That's... actually a really good point. I guess I was attempting clarity too much. How would more fully explaining Jack's power-set work in comparison?
  • One foot in front of the other, every day.
    I don't think you even need to do that. You can just get rid of anything that makes it absolutely clear that it's a perceptual cross-section of New York and leave in anything that hints at it (but not too strongly).
  • edited 2011-10-31 06:27:04
    No rainbow star
    Madass: Well, the part in the mythology she plays goes as such:

    Order was sealed away and could only manipulate her harp (via some minor magic - minor to a deity anyways). So she needed a way out. A way to get revenge on those who sealed her away. She's not right in the head, but she could still tell that killing her children - the ones that sealed her up - would break her prison. So she set her harp to warp around in order to evade her children and find a human

    She eventually found one. She influenced the area to draw the human in to play her harp and to make him play the Song of Creation. She believed humans to be nothing but insects and incapable of influencing anything. The human however did influence things. His heart and soul was poured into that song. His dreams, his goals, his hopes, his fear, his deepest desires

    This mixed with the ancient magic and created Humality - Name being a combination of Humanity and Duality, and also a corruption of Humilty

    Meanwhile, far before that, Chaos, resigning himself to a specific fate, created Slekupan, the deity of nothing, to one day assist him in killing Order and Himself. Slekupan was not a strong deity, but he was designed specifically to kill other deities. The plan was that at the end of days he'd slaughter all deities, undoing creation and leaving just himself, hopefully one day allowing a new reality to form

    When Humality was created, however, this threw a wrench in everybodies plans, all because Cryna never went, "Hmm, maybe humans - or anything with a soul - could influence things". Even Slekupan, designed to kill gods, would find himself unable to kill Humality since she was both divine and not divine, and as such had a partial immunity to his powers

    This would lead to the end of days being a struggle for power between Slekupan and Humality, eventually leading them to working together as the replacements for Chaos and Order, ushering in a golden age for their little corner of reality

    Chaos, being Chaos, was cool with this sudden wrench in the plans that caused, well, chaos

    Edit: Also, as for the unifying theme for the whole work, it is balance. Trying to see the good in both sides and bringing a compromise that makes things better for both
  • One foot in front of the other, every day.
    If the theme is balance, why not move the perspective away from Humality? The general way to avoid Sueishness is to prevent the plot from revolving around the character in question, or otherwise moving the focus away from them. So the plot can still revolve around the diety, but if it's from a different perspective, there's a lot more to explore.

    This is why in, for instance, The Lord of the Rings, Sauron isn't a Villain Sue. Sure, the entire thing is about the Ring, an extension of his power, but the perspective generally belongs to mundane protagonists working against his arcane evil.
  • edited 2011-10-31 07:15:58
    No rainbow star
    ^ The perspective tends to be from the point of humans and them getting involved in the affairs of deities in terms of unfolding the story

    So as long as I don't concentrate too much on Humality then, I should be fine? Thanks :D
  • One foot in front of the other, every day.
    Yeah, just ensure that Humality isn't too friendly with the humans. Your diety can be a bit Sueish, but a Sueish character too beholden to the service of the protagonists causes Deus Ex Machina. So yeah. You should be in the clear, though.

    So, I've been flip-flopping with an idea. Recently, I've been watching the Claymore anime as well as playing Monster Hunter Tri and The Witcher 2. All of them have a little bit missing, though.

    In Claymore, there are no mundane, human men-at-arms that fight the monsters except towards the beginning. Likewise, there are no war machines or crossbows or anything. In addition, the Claymores themselves risk flying off the handle and ascending to monster form, making them a risky investment.

    Monster Hunter Tri lacks a strong plot or characters, but has the full contingent of monster hunting gear. You've got traps, powerful ranged weapons, lures and, most importantly, a pre-mission readout of the environment and the monster you'll be hunting. In addition, you generally end up hunting the same monster type multiple times under different conditions, meaning that you get used to hunting particular kinds of monsters where the altered conditions provide further challenge. It's semi-medieval, semi-ancient setting justifies a lack of resources with which to outfit a large amount of hunters.

    The Witcher, like Monster Hunter, has just about everything. On the other hand, it doesn't provide one with preparation information or time when heading into new encounters. To its credit, it has the most reasonable setting among the three works, as well as the best and most accurately designed arms and armour.

    So I'm playing with the concept of a monster hunting Order in a reasonably accurate medieval setting. Unlike the examples above, though, the hunters themselves are purely mundane humans with only intelligence, teamwork and medieval technology to see them through their encounters. Essentially, the hunts have three phases:

    - Intelligence, wherein information is gathered via scouting and lore research.
    - Preparation, wherein the required resources and skills are gathered for the approaching conflict.
    - Battle, wherein the Order takes the fight to the monster(s) in question with the benefit of the previous phases.

    I'm currently thinking about the organisation and hierarchy of the Order itself. For instance, there would have to be officials that oversee any official operation, as well as elite warriors who can do battle up close. These might cross over, given that the medieval world mixed politics with fighting skill. Whoever administers the operation might also have the legal capacity to requisition non-Order troops to support the effort, which may very well lead to its own complications. In the case of large monsters, this might entail requisitioning war machines and entire regiments.
  • AHRAHR
    edited 2011-10-31 08:20:36
    --sigh-- I made another thread for my work on tv tropes. Only this time, 2nd draft. I am crazy.

    Malk: I like the idea of the self created thing. Although I guess the hard part is the stereotypes that would show up, and try to make it apparent they are not unintentionally stereotypes.
  • No rainbow star
    Madass: It looks pretty good so far

    How would they handle more magical monsters, though (eg the Lich)?
  • @MadassAlex: So does your setting take place in a roughly Early Middle Ages setting or the High Middle Ages?

  • Alex: Low, Middle or High?
  • edited 2011-10-31 15:12:03
    Anyway, I have an idea for a setting myself:

    So long ago, the world, which had become fairly advanced (had gotten technology up to about the level of WWII) was destroyed by magic. Nobody really knows how, except it involved magic and it was caused, in some degree, by the elves.

    So the world starts to split between those who shun magic because it caused the end of the world and those who want to look past that and continue to advance in magic. By 1786 ( there were schematics of old technology found, allowing the world to advance more rapidly), the world has entered an indsustrial revolution, its own version of the Victorian Era if you will. Nations, for the most part, are either technological or magical. 

    In technological nations, different forms of democracies usually rule and they are more advanced. However, magic users, and any elves, are looked down upon. Many are relegated to slums based on tattoos imprinted on them in birth, simply called Stamps, and inquisitions (usually called "Magicarums") often form to keep a restrictive hand on the mages. The army has developed ways to protect against magic (haven't fully though this out yet), and a common way to deal with mages, in large groups or just a few, is a "cabalias"; they force a mage, usually a captive one, to expend all his life force in a specific area; this overloads magic in that area and kills all mages in the area unless they have the Stamp. 

    In magical nations, elves are and technological people are segregated; however, not nearly to the extent of technological nations. For the most part, the segregation of technological people is purely because technology can null magic. However, though they are less xenophobic, they tend to be ruled by monarchs or tyrants. Also, technology has not come as far since most technology in magical nations, such as trains, are powered by a rare ore (have not fully thought this one out yet). For example, magical nations have not yet made headway into the telephone. They often mount mages on horses and use them as cavalry. Mages, when put together, can easily wipe out enemies; however, they must constantly be on the look out for enemy Cabaliases, as magical nations have not yet figured out how to replicate the Stamp.
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