General writing discussion.

Forzare

I see what you mean.

According to Wikipedia, which was the extent of my research on the subject, that theory of multiple realities or universes or what have you is called the multiverse. And yeah, I don't really have a better word for it.

>>The multiverse (or meta-universe, metaverse) is the hypothetical set of multiple possible universes (including the historical universe we consistently experience) that together comprise everything that exists and can exist: the entirety of space, time, matter, and energy as well as the physical laws and constants that describe them.

-shrug-

ClockworkUniverse

Yeah, like I said, it's just something that annoys me.

AHR

So, when it comes to length, what are y'all most comfortable with? one page? Short story? Normal? Epic? Something in between? All over?

ClockworkUniverse

I like works of any length, but with shorter works, I'm more likely to be able to read them. That doesn't necessarily mean they're better.

AHR

Well, I meant writing wise, since this is the writing thread, but that works too. :P

ClockworkUniverse

Ah. Well, in terms of how long a work should be from the writer's perspective, I'd take the advice of my high school English teacher. "It should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover everything, but short enough to be interesting."

AHR

NO.

IT'S A MINISKIRT!

NOT A SKIRT!

All Nines

@Forzare: I read the first three chapters of Nil. So far it isn't really doing anything for me, sorry to say. But I'm reading it, at least!

Forzare

Eh, not everyone's going to like everything I write. But for writing quality reasons, or genre reasons, or something else?

All Nines

Well, I suppose an important question is: when is it supposed to start getting scary or weird?

Other than that, there are some common beginnerisms (probably not a new word, but eh) and a bunch of lines I've seen too many times already to see anything more than weird teenagers acting as you'd expect weird teenagers to act.

Compared to most high schoolers' writing, it's quite solid, though.

ClockworkUniverse

I'm on chapter 7. It's a bit infodump-y. I tend to prefer exposition given in little pieces, which gradually form into a picture over the course of the story. Though that's a matter of preference, and I don't know where you're going with this, so it could be necessary.

IMO, what's keeping me interested, much more so than the plot itself, is the narration and the character interactions. Both are fun, much more so than in most stories in the genre.

ClockworkUniverse

On chapter 8 now. Just wanted to point this out:

"can't breath..."

It's a common mistake, but "breath" is the noun and "breathe" is the verb.

EDIT: From the same chapter: "They found out what Nil doing."

You seem to have a few things that get by your proofreading. I'd suggest proofreading with an actual printout; people tend to catch more that way.

Vivi

I'm consider making some kind of frame story for this, having a narrator, or something...but I'm not sure if it might be better without it.

Icalasari

Can anybody critique this super hero (The one I was asking for help with the powers of earlier) and the small list of enemies he has so far?

Antumbra
Powers:
-Control over light via magic
--It drains on his energy, so more complex things take more power. As long as he is alive and there is some light, he can maintain his costume. Otherwise...
-Enhanced healing and durability
--Nothing extravagant, just enough to let him take hits from supervillains
-Teleportation
--Takes almost all his energy to do so, so either he uses it near the start of a hopeless fight, or else relies on a demon to do it for him
Profession: Studying to be a lawyer
Weaknesses: Darkness (Darker it is, the harder it is to use his powers. He keeps a powerful light under his clothes for night patrols to counter this). Also, ever since Umbrael moved into his body, he has had issues with controlling his emotions

Allies:
Umbrael - A demon that controls light, he needs a host to live. He chose the hero. He lives in the hero and grants him powers. When the hero loses all emotional control, Umbrael comes out. And he likes destruction. So it's a bit of an issue. Huge pool of power when the demon takes over, but could lead to several dead. As such, Antumbra, once he learns of Umbrael, does whatever he can to keep the demon sealed up

Enemies:
Thunderos - Controls electricity to a limited extent. Can detect the electricity in peoples nervous systems, making blinding him useless
Mister Eye - A late comer, he has a massive eye for a face (and a small mouth underneath). He is the only one that Antumbra's blinding trick works on, but due to how late he comes, it takes a while before Antumbra bothers. Has line of sight telekinesis
The Mannequin - A mad scientist, she wanted to make living mannequins. She one day fell into a vat of experimental plastic which turned her into what she wanted to make. The plastic had an effect on her brain, so she thinks all mannequins and puppets are living and enslaved by humans. She can control mannequins and puppets (not robots), detach her limbs and control them from a distance, and can swivel her limbs easily. She has a sixth sense, due to lack of sight, so blinding her won't work
Lumos - Another human with another light controlling demon in her. They have similar goals, so she has full access to her demon's energy pool. Downside? The demon is younger than Umbrael, putting Antumbra and Lumos on equal ground
The Illusionist - Uses his powers to make illusions of heroes appear in court to help free other bad guys. Useless against Antumbra in a direct fight as the illusions are not physical, but he is good with mind fuckery

AHR

I was having writer's block.

So I decided to DRAW an outline, instead of write.

http://a-h-r.deviantart.com/#/d4b0i2p

ClockworkUniverse

^I'd comment on that, but I'm just about the worst person ever at reading other people's handwriting.

Anyway, I just updated Infinite Tree five times.

Feel free to comment on the story, or my writing style, or post suggestions for actions, or whatever.

All Nines

Finished the first section of Chapter 1 of a story idea titled Horrible People. While I'm aware that it's a little extreme for a high school setting, hopefully it isn't quite unbelievable.

ClockworkUniverse

Well, considering that people thought an autobiographical book by an alum of my high school was unbelievable for a highschool setting, it's quite possible that people will find it unbelievable regardless of how plausible it is.

All Nines

Huh. The only thing that really sticks out is that there's a kid so widely hated that one of the other characters digs her nails into his wrists hard enough to draw blood and breaks his elbow and gets off with a late night detention for the presiding teacher's annoyance with having to explain to the cops why no one saw who did this.

ClockworkUniverse

Oh, I can buy that completely.

All Nines

Cool. And I have yet to figure out exactly which pressure point(s) she could manipulate in the kid's wrist to bring him to the ground and have him rolling around in pain without actually standing up from her chair (if it helps, the kid's tiny), if that's mechanically possible.

I suppose this is a good start, since that's probably going to be one of the less violent acts in the story.

All Nines

Is there anyone who's still in line for a critique? Because I want to get some feedback on my writing. I think it's solid so far, but I'm worried that I might be overlooking some flaws.

AHR

I'll look at something you wrote.

All Nines

Okay. Here it is.

----

Two girls, one with straight red hair and one with black hair in a ponytail, both in tight jeans and hoodies, sat by themselves at a cafeteria table, leaning forward to keep a hushed tone. “. . . But it’s so lame, though,” said the redhead, Natalie Davies. “Am I right?”

“Sure, I guess,” said Cassandra Stone, the girl with the ponytail. “I don’t know him, though.” She ran icy fingers along her forehead, brushing her bangs out of her eyes and wishing she’d brought money for coffee. That might have helped her to bear Natalie’s rambling.

“. . . Yoohoo,” said Natalie. “Caaaaassiiiiieeee. Did you get enough sleep yesterday?”

“Ugh. Plenty. I can’t stay up very late with that fucking moose breathing down my neck, can I?”

“Ah, right. Fuckin’ hate your brother.”

“Everyone does.” Vapid bitch, we’ve had this discussion a thousand times. Of course, Cassandra would never be so mean as to actually say that to Natalie; Natalie was much too sensitive for that. She brushed hair out of her eyes again, this time flicking it away in a quick, annoyed motion.

“True. . . . Hey, d’ya want some coffee? You don’t look like you’ll make it to fourth block.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” As always, she had to insist that she was stronger than that. And Natalie never remembered which coffee she preferred either.

“Well, why are you so tired, then?” Natalie said.

“I’m not tired. Just exhausted.”

“There’s a difference?”

Oh, for the love of Christ. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” After that, Natalie and Cassandra just sat there for a minute, neither really knowing what to say. Cassandra even slumped forward onto the table without sitting up again. The clomping of dirty sneakers and the carefree yelling in the cafeteria became even louder (Cassandra thought she thought she might have heard some kid say “guess who’s creeeeeepin’” in an obnoxious, freshman-y tone of voice), so that by the time Natalie thought of something to say, she nearly had to yell herself.

“Got any plans for today, Cassie?”

Cassandra groaned and pushed herself upright. “Mm, no, not really,” she said. She wiped a piece of salad out of her bangs without a thought, half-glaring at Natalie (though Natalie would never have caught on).

“Awesome,” Natalie said. “Wanna come over to my house?”

“Umm . . . I don’t think so. You remember what happened last time I went out without Cassius’s permission, right?” Fucking hell, Natalie.

“. . . Right.”

“What, are guys not enough for you anymore, Natalie?” A scrawny, short kid with messy brown hair, a “That’s What She Said” shirt, and a self-satisfied grin on his face said this as he stood behind Natalie‘s chair.

“Fuck off, Derek,” Natalie said. “No one was talking to you.” She said this with a straight face and without glancing back at him. She sounded almost as worn out as Cassandra.

“Really?” he said.

“Yes, really,” Natalie said.

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

“Damn it, Derek, go away before I beat the fuck out of you.” Now Natalie was annoyed enough to turn and face him.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I hate you.”

“Why do you hate me?”

“Because you’re a fucking douchebag.”

“Why?” Derek said. Cassandra thought, Don’t you see what he’s doing, Natalie? You’re such an easy target. Always. “You’re so mean. Lighten up.” He attempted to pat her head, but she caught his wrist. At this point, she could have done God knows what, but she held her stony glare on him instead, still clutching his wussy little arm.

“Derek, just leave,” Cassandra said. “You’re not adding anything to this discussion.”

“But how am I supposed to leave if Natalie won’t let go?” Derek said.

“Natalie, let him go,” Cassandra yawned.

“Nah,” Natalie said. “I’ll wait for an apology.”

“What’s to lose?” Derek said. “The sooner you let go of me, the sooner you two can go back to your bitchy slut talk.”

Natalie sent him to the ground with a downward pull. He tried to shake out of her grip, teeth grinding, but she barely moved; she only had average strength, but the sheer difference in size between her and Derek, plus her superior leverage, subdued him. She dug her nails in and drew some blood, in plain view of about twenty people, and twice as many could hear Derek rolling around and slapping the floor with his free hand, but no one cared. Even the two teachers on lunch duty went on with their chatting, and they had turned to make sure of what was happening too. “OH FUCK STOP,” Derek said.

Instead of stopping, Natalie stood from her chair, placed her foot between Derek’s shoulder blades, and pulled his arm back like a rusty lever. She was gritting her teeth from the effort, or perhaps from repressed frustration, and he was shrieking. Cassandra was half-asleep, with her head resting in her hands, which was unfortunate for Derek, since she could have easily convinced Natalie to release him. Thirty seconds more, and one of the teachers sighed and strolled over to the scene.

“Natalie, if you let go of him now, I won’t suspend you,” he said. This school is a joke, Cassandra thought before nodding off. Natalie looked at the teacher, her expression softening. She let go . . . but not before snapping Derek’s elbow with a final downward jerk. His still-louder yell was cut off as he passed out.

“As it is, you’re getting a late night detention because calling in Officer Strontham and explaining how no one saw this is gonna be a bitch.” The teacher went back to where he was, and everyone else kept eating (or sleeping) while Derek kept bleeding.

“Hey Cassie,” Natalie said. “You still awake?”

Cassandra rubbed her eyes open. “Mm, nooo, not quite.”

“Well, you missed it, then,” Natalie said. “You shoulda heard the little faggot scream. I mean you literally should‘ve heard it, it was so obnoxious and loud.” Natalie got a tissue out of her purse and began wiping blood from under her fingernails. “By the way, are you sure you don’t want some coffee?”

----

Damnable toggleboxes, why don't you ever cooperate?

AHR

Gah. What do you mean my body is 2k over limit?

THAT'S ALL THE WORDS I HAVE!

All Nines

Wait, have you already written that much? o_o

AHR

Two girls, one with straight red hair and one with black hair in a ponytail, both in tight jeans and hoodies, sat by themselves at a cafeteria table, leaning forward to keep a hushed tone. “. . . But it’s so lame, though,” said the redhead, Natalie Davies. “Am I right?”

This is a mess of a first sentence. Bad descriptions, run on sentence, and no actual definition to who they are. People are not defined by their hair colors. If you want to describe them, try and go for other things, and not so obvious in the first sentence. It becomes all...fanfictiony.

“Sure, I guess,” said Cassandra Stone, the girl with the ponytail. “I don’t know him, though.” She ran icy fingers along her forehead, brushing her bangs out of her eyes and wishing she’d brought money for coffee. That might have helped her to bear Natalie’s rambling.

This is slightly better, but it's kinda cluttered. Plus, instead of telling us she is having a hard time paying attention, show us. Have her slump over, have her eyes glaze over, add tone to her words.

“. . . Yoohoo,” said Natalie. “Caaaaassiiiiieeee. Did you get enough sleep yesterday?”

“Ugh. Plenty. I can’t stay up very late with that fucking moose breathing down my neck, can I?”

“Ah, right. Fuckin’ hate your brother.”

“Everyone does.” Vapid bitch, we’ve had this discussion a thousand times. Of course, Cassandra would never be so mean as to actually say that to Natalie; Natalie was much too sensitive for that. She brushed hair out of her eyes again, this time flicking it away in a quick, annoyed motion.

This is getting better, but it's still a bit awkwardly written. 

AHR

“True. . . . Hey, d’ya want some coffee? You don’t look like you’ll make it to fourth block.”

“Nah, I’m fine.” As always, she had to insist that she was stronger than that. And Natalie never remembered which coffee she preferred either.

“Well, why are you so tired, then?” Natalie said.

“I’m not tired. Just exhausted.”

“There’s a difference?”

Oh, for the love of Christ. “Yeah.”

Even though you have two characters talking, it's not a good idea to have them constantly going with out dialogue tags. It can still get rather confusing.

Okay.” After that, Natalie and Cassandra just sat there for a minute, neither really knowing what to say. Cassandra even slumped forward onto the table without sitting up again. The clomping of dirty sneakers and the carefree yelling in the cafeteria became even louder (Cassandra thought she thought she might have heard some kid say “guess who’s creeeeeepin’” in an obnoxious, freshman-y tone of voice), so that by the time Natalie thought of something to say, she nearly had to yell herself.

"thought she thought"?

All Nines

"This is a mess of a first sentence. Bad descriptions, run on sentence, and no actual definition to who they are. People are not defined by their hair colors. If you want to describe them, try and go for other things, and not so obvious in the first sentence. It becomes all...fanfictiony."

Yeah, I'm kinda stuck on how to introduce them properly. But unlike some writers, I think physical details are important. Fixed it, though.

"Plus, instead of telling us she is having a hard time paying attention, show us. Have her slump over, have her eyes glaze over, add tone to her words."

It's not supposed to be an omniscient narrative; I think having Cassandra's thoughts explained as if we were looking somewhat from her point of view makes more sense. As for adding physical indication that she's exhausted, there's some of that a little later in the passage.

"This is getting better, but it's still a bit awkwardly written. "

How so?

"Even though you have two characters talking, it's not a good idea to have them constantly going with out dialogue tags. It can still get rather confusing."

Eh. I prefer leaving dialogue as uninterrupted as possible, especially when there are only two characters described, and thus only two who would reasonably be talking. I don't think it's so complex that I should have to differentiate in a back-and-forth between two.

"thought she thought"?"

Whoops. Copy-pasting error.

AHR

Gah. Have to bail. Will do this later, if no one else has.