General writing discussion.

Icalasari

^^


It being the character

ClockworkUniverse

IJBM: I kinda want to post a sample of my writing, but I always worry about showing other people my work...

Schitzo

SHOW DAT SHIT INUH

MadassAlex

Can I have some thoughts on this segment? I'd like to know how well it initiates and maintains interest. If you've got any idea how to improve the writing, throw that at me as well.

---

Alistair looked at the caravan ahead of him. There were two wagons; one for prisoners and one for supplies. He belonged to the former, regrettably, although his fate was not a prison cell, nor a noose. A few personal belongings of his were packed away in a chest, which was then piled into the supply wagon. It was something of a morbid courtesy; even the worst man had the right to wield his favourite sword at the hour of his death, at least in this line of work.  He was to fight on behalf of the Order. It was not the only order, certainly not a knightly one, but the only one that warranted no extra title. It was simply the Order; a prison, a military branch and a death sentence.

ClockworkUniverse

Definitely generated my interest. I'd keep reading.

I'll post what I was going to post when I get back from breakfast.

ClockworkUniverse

Okay, here's my writing sample. This is the introductory bit to a visual novel I'm working on, titled Subheroes: 4/121. Part of me wants to say more about it, but I think I'll let it stand on its own for a moment until I hear some impressions.

(In other news, I am still updating Infinite Tree, if anyone besides Icalasari is interested)

If you're seeking speculation on the cause of the event that took place on January 21st, 2021, known today as the Renaissance, look elsewhere. I have no intention of discussing the subject. Why? Because it doesn't matter. It happened. That is a historical fact. I, like many, have my pet theory as to its cause, but I won't be sharing it here. That's not what this is about.

What, then, am I writing about? What happened. By examining certain events immediately following the Renaissance, we can reach a better understanding of its social and political consequences.

When considering the Renaissance, the individuals society has come to know as the Reborn are the obvious first topic. Few people reading this will know one of them – the Renaissance affected fewer than .002 percent of humans, and fewer than half of them survived the first few hours of their new lives. Even more died in the weeks that followed. But in learning about the first few days after the event, it's crucial to understand the actions and motivations of the Reborn. Perhaps no single place captured the sheer variety of the Reborn as well as a city called New York.

Thus, the first volume of this history will focus on the Reborn in New York City in the days immediately following the Renaissance. I cannot claim complete accuracy. Most accounts are taken directly from interviews with those involved. For those who could not be interviewed after the fact, though, I had to settle for secondhand accounts of their activities. It's less than ideal, but I've found no inconsistencies, so we shall have to take what we can get.

I hope you will find the tale as illuminating as I have.

-The Historian

MadassAlex

That's interesting. I enjoy the historical document format, as well as the attention to academic honesty. There's a strong human element to it despite the tone, and it begs just enough questions to garner interest without being overwhelming.

My only issue is the term "Reborn", which makes me think of Jedi Outcast. <_< It is, however, the thematic link to the Renaissance, so I can't fault it.

MillerCross

I like it, but I feel the prose is off for a history book (Which I think is the flavor you're looking for)

Mabe you should try and read some?

ClockworkUniverse

It is supposed to be a little off from a history book. The Historian is intended to be a character who gets very slowly developed throughout the series through his writing in these little introductory notes and maybe some bonus feature stuff. And he's more interested in the human element of history than in the big picture, so he's arguably more of a biographer.

As for the term "Reborn," it's because "Renaissance" means "rebirth."

MadassAlex

I gathered. It links nicely, it's just my own preconceptions that get in the way.

MillerCross

Ah.

is he a witness? 

MadassAlex

I find that in the real world, academic articles sometimes imply characterisation. What a researcher chooses to speak about in the first place helps characterise them, as does how they deal with evidence and the tone of their writing. Personal feelings can begin to slip through, too subtly to have the work deemed improper, but obvious enough to see some shapes forming.

Although it might seem obvious coming from someone with an interest in history, I do very much like the historian angle.

ClockworkUniverse

^^Nah, he's not directly involved in any of the events in the Renaissance series. He's just interested in documenting things.

His story will be explained in a spinoff.

^Heh, you would. And I dunno why I thought I needed to tell you what "Renaissance" meant, given your interest in history.

MillerCross

Well, you don't have to be "directly involved" to be a witness, INUH. 

He could just be a bystander. But what I mean is...did he see the main even you call the rennaisance? Or he just entered the scene post event?

ClockworkUniverse

The Renaissance is basically a sort of global change in completely random individuals. So nobody can really be said to have seen it.

Okay, here's more detail on the story's premise. On January 21, 2021, under .002% of humans undergo random changes. In most stories, this would lead to a superhero setting, but in this series, as the Historian's statement about survival implies, most of the changes are not beneficial. The first story, Subheroes, features four people who are actually weaker than the human baseline trying to re-stabilize the situation in New York City during the three weeks following the Renaissance.

MillerCross

Oh, see, I thought it was a period, but I wasn't entirely sure.

Hmmm, very interesting. Looking forward to it. I'm not entirely a fan of the format, admittedly, but that might be because experimental storytelling in prose normally doesn't interest me >.>

ClockworkUniverse

It's not really going to have a single format, I think.

It'll be a series of nine stories of various media, divided loosely into three trilogies. The first will deal with the immediate consequences of the Renaissance, the second with political fallout, and the third with normal life once society has adjusted to the change.

Chagen

Huh. Interesting.

I usually don't go for that kind of story--but politcal intruige can always be interesting.

Chagen

Auuuuuughhhhhhh

The part in ARMEGEDDON.EXE where Vanið explains the Wir/Terra/The Borderlands is gonna have to be an infodump.

I managed to ease it a little more by having Nick constantly ask questions, but still. I am like incapable of not doing infodumps--partially because I seem to be one of the few people who likes them.

ClockworkUniverse

Infodumps can be done well. Try to take measures to make the scene more than an infodump.

Chagen

Vanidh* herself lampshades the fact: "I'm not sure how to summarize what I need to say without turning it into an infodump".

How about having the thief come in and steal the book during the middle of it? Then Nick and Vanidh would be chasing after him. She could still be explaining while they're chasing him, adding some action to the infodump.

*: This is an accepted alternate spelling of her name

ClockworkUniverse

Depends on the execution. Could be interesting. What medium? If it's a visual medium, it would be excellent. If not, it might take more effort, but still could be good.

Chagen

It's a book, sadly.

I would love to have it animated one day, though.

Chagen

This is the intro to ARMEGEDDON.EXE:

----Most people fear heights.

I adore them.

It all started one day when I was six. Me and my mom were cleaning the attic of our house, and I got the dumbass idea to go onto the roof, ignoring my mom’s pleas not to.

The thing was? I wasn’t scared. There was something empowering about being on that roof, something amazing about no longer being bound to the earth. I couldn’t fly, but I sure could jump. I could climb. Just as long as I didn’t touch the ground.

I don’t remember much beyond that. My mom said I started free-running on the rooftops of our neighborhood houses. I ran along clotheslines, rooftops, and fences, making sure I never hit the ground. I wasn’t just some dumb 6-year-old with no real purpose, either. I was determined to make sure I never hit the ground. I wasn’t just running around because I felt like being a immature idiot.

But, I slipped off of a three-story house and fell into the concrete below. I broke two arms, two legs, and busted my skull wide open. I just woke up in the hospital a few days later. Somehow, I recovered fully in a month. It was unprecedented—surviving that fall alone was impressive. Recovering in a month? That wasn’t normal at all.

But I’m not exactly normal. More on that later, though.

From then on, I fell in love with parkour and free-running. I practiced it wherever I could go. One the way to school. On the weekends. During vacations. My goal—never be blocked by obstacles. I could run on fences, scale building walls with ease, and tackle any rooftop.

It always got me in trouble. In the 7th grade, I was sent to the principal’s office for running across the locker tops. In the 9th, I was nearly expelled for running around the edge of my school’s rooftop. While in college, I was arrested for scaling the wall of a 5-story building. That last one got me in the newspaper—“19-Year-Old Free-Runner Scales Thompson Library”.

That just made me an urban legend. Soon, people were talking about me. They’d say that saw me running in the night, like a shadow, only appearing for a few seconds before disappearing. I eluded the cops. They never found me, no matter how hard they tried. And the legend grew. Eventually, I got a nickname—“Nox”, latin for “Night”. I was called that because I was as elusive as the night.

But I was also as surrounding at the night. You know how the night surrounds everything? You can’t escape it. I was like that. I could be anywhere. Normal people were bound by the ground, destined to take such clumsy contraptions as stairs and elevators to get higher. I was merely bound by my abilities. I could hide anywhere, be anywhere. No one could catch me.

I was no longer Nick Carbine. I was Nox Carbine.

 

---

How's this for an intro?

TheConductor

Out of all the stuff you've posted here, that was definitely one of the better pieces, Chagen.

Have you ever considered going into comics? The way you write, I don't think it suits prose, but it reads a lot like modern comics.

ClockworkUniverse

^What he said.

You know, between that and what you said about the chase-scene/infodump bit, comics really would be suited to your work.

Schitzo

I liked your intro, Inuh

AHR

If you wanna see a graphic novel script, I can always link you to mine!

ClockworkUniverse

^^Thanks.

I'll post basic info on the main characters when I get home.

TheConductor

Oh yeah, INUH I think your Subheroes thing sounds really cool.