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Somebody blooooog me: A smallville live blog.
2011-09-12 23:57:09
edited 2011-09-13 21:58:59 in Liveblogging
MORONS! I'VE GOT MORONS ON MY PAYROLL!
Hello there, IJBMers! Now as you know, I am a professor of Batmanology. What you may not know is that I also minored in Lex Luthoronomy and JJJournalism. So I figured that I should start another blog on the series that is the bane of every Superman-lover: Smallville.
The thing about Smallville is that it's like the Chinese food in the mall food court: It sucks but at least there's a lot of it. With ten seasons of material there's no way you could expect me to watch it all. Instead I'll be watching select episodes and taking suggestions of 'favorite' episodes. For this post, I'll just introduce you to the major characters of Smallville!
This is Clark, played by Tom Welling, and is pretty much the symbol of everything wrong with the show. Welling might be a good actor for all I know, but other than looks he's a pretty poor Superman. Maybe if he got the chance to do Supermanly things in the show I'd think differently but since the show's premise revolves around him not being Superman until the very end all we get are obnoxious nods and winks to he's going to be. The trouble is that what people want out a Superman show is Superman stuff, so we ended up getting all these nods of Supergirl, Green Arrow, etc. all the while pigeonholing the protagonist of the series into a complacent and ineffectual stupor.\
This is Lex Luthor, played by Michael Rosembaum both the best actor in the show and also a person who has hair in real life, resulting in photos that creep me out. I actually am quite fond of a lot of things about this show's Lex, but it ruins it as much as it redeems. While I like the idea that before their parting Lex was a total bro to Clark, the idea that Lex has some sort of 'darkness' inside him is pretty hard to sell, especially since it's almost all the other characters getting posessed/turning evil so Clark and Lex can pal around while figuring things out. In the end, Lex embraces his poorly foreshadowed Supervillain and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see him play the character in a show with a script that didn't suck.
This is Lana played by Kristen Kruek, and she's one of the few things that all people who watched Smallville agree on: she is fucking terrible. Okay that's not quite true. She has a dedicated fanbase of idiots that still insist it won't be Lois Clark marries DESPITE HIM DOING JUST THAT IN THE FINALE. In addition to just phoning every episode in, she is the most inconsistently written character in the history of television. One episode she's hyper-competent, the next she's a damsel in distress. Also of note is that she was the star of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li which means she's responsible for working to ruin two things I love. Also of note is that she's one of the two starting main cast that wasn't in the series finale, and the only one people gave a crap about. Evidently this was because she was busy preparing for a ballet performance in L.A. Congratulations, Kruek. You jumped this sinking ship, even if you were the albatross around its neck the whole time.
This is Chloe Sullivan played by Alison Mack and anybody bitching about moe fandom in anime needs to shut the hell up because American TV does the exact same fucking thing. Chloe is, of course, Hollywood-nerd-alternate-pretty which is the kind of pretty that anyone with eyes would simply call drop-dead gorgeous.Oh, but she's nerdy and smart and is part of the school newspaper so that's okay then. When I say smart, I of course mean the Hollywood kind of smart where she's dumb as a brick so the plot can progress but has an obtuse vocabulary and knows lots of obscure facts. She's also notable for having the worst lines in the show, but I always found Mack an endearing enough actress that it kind of worked. Of note is that her character was originally supposed to be Lois Lane but was changed to an original character because they didn't want to give the ending away, which shows the lack of a thought-process the writers have. The entire show revolves around having an ending everyone already knows, but they can't have the girl everyone knows he ends up with anyways in it?
This is Jonathan "Pa" Kent played by Jonathan Schneider who also played Bo Duke on the Dukes of Hazzard. I wish I could make that up: Bo Duke is Superman's dad. He's an alright actor, but in this show oftentimes he feels less like the moral pillar that created Clark as a Superhero and more the judgmental asshole that helped drive Lex to supervillainy. He's a stubborn asshole and whenever Lex and he are in the same room, he treats Lex like a prick just because of who his father is. More disturbing is the fact that we're supposed to pick this up as his fatherly wisdom. That said, he does has some nice moments of being supportive of his son.
This is Martha Kent played by Anette O'Toole who is a gigantic Superman fan eye are elle. Also notable is that she played Lana Lang in Superman III and if you didn't know that because you never saw that movie I don't blame you. Martha herself tends to be the nice parent to Jon's gruff parent routine and later becomes a part of a conflicted romance with Lionel Luthor, Lex's father. Oftentimes she's mostly there to dispense folksy wisdom and be mom-y.
This is Lionel Luthor, played by John Glover, and... and... I'm sorry but that hair is glorious. It's more distracting than Erica Durance's chest. I just wanna curl up in it and make a nest... NO MALK! FOCUS! In any case, Lionel is one of the few reasons to watch this show that aren't attached to a female actress' chest. He really does give the feel of a supervillian who was born a few years too early to embrace his full kitsch. Honestly, if it weren't for the terrible show he was saddled to, I would have expected his ties to Lex to become part of the comic canon.
This is Lois Lane, played by Erica Durance and humina humina humina (slaps self) In any case, in addition to being utterly stunning Durance is a pretty great Lois who is just attached to a terrible script. I honestly would love to see her tackle the character in a Superman film, or another TV show that doesn't suck. It's notable that oftentimes she feels more like a superhero than Clark, going out to investigate criminal activities and even occasionally getting superpowers. Honestly, some of my favorite episodes have her in them and it's usually because they feel like an issue of Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane.
This is Green Arrow played by Justin Hartley. He was initially a one-episode guest but was so popular they brought him back as a regular. It's easy to see why, because they basically just made him Batman after Nolan put the kibosh on letting them have Batman in this show. Hartley is pretty notable as it really feels like he wants to play the comic book's Greenpeace-meets-James Bond Green Arrow but is tied to this scowling and grimacing persona. Even so, he's one of the better parts of this show (even if his costume makes him look like a douche bag) and many of the best moments are when the show turns into a superhero sitcom and he waltzes in like a good-looking Kramer.
And those are the characters people give a shit about. Like I said, I'm taking suggestions but here are the episodes I'll be liveblogging so far.
The Pilot (duh)
Transference (an episode where Clark and Lionel switch places)
Justice (the episode featuring the Justice League, often called the series' best episode)
Heat (The episode where Clark ejaculates fireballs)
Spell (Lana, Chloe, and Lois get possessed by Witches and spend the entire episode in skimpy outfits. Smallville fans act like this isn't the greatest thing ever)
Relic (an episode where we learn Jor-El came to earth. No srsly)
Warrior (the episode where Lois dresses up as Wonder Woman. No srsly)
Lexmas (Christmas in smallville! I'll be handling this during the holiday time!)
Hex (an episode where Zatanna shows up)
Legion (an episode with the legion of superheros. No srsly)
Mercy (on recommendation of a friend, the episode where Lionel sees Clarks powers in action)
Thirst (Lana gets turned in a SCIENCE! Vampire)
The finale (duh)
The thing about Smallville is that it's like the Chinese food in the mall food court: It sucks but at least there's a lot of it. With ten seasons of material there's no way you could expect me to watch it all. Instead I'll be watching select episodes and taking suggestions of 'favorite' episodes. For this post, I'll just introduce you to the major characters of Smallville!
This is Clark, played by Tom Welling, and is pretty much the symbol of everything wrong with the show. Welling might be a good actor for all I know, but other than looks he's a pretty poor Superman. Maybe if he got the chance to do Supermanly things in the show I'd think differently but since the show's premise revolves around him not being Superman until the very end all we get are obnoxious nods and winks to he's going to be. The trouble is that what people want out a Superman show is Superman stuff, so we ended up getting all these nods of Supergirl, Green Arrow, etc. all the while pigeonholing the protagonist of the series into a complacent and ineffectual stupor.\
This is Lex Luthor, played by Michael Rosembaum both the best actor in the show and also a person who has hair in real life, resulting in photos that creep me out. I actually am quite fond of a lot of things about this show's Lex, but it ruins it as much as it redeems. While I like the idea that before their parting Lex was a total bro to Clark, the idea that Lex has some sort of 'darkness' inside him is pretty hard to sell, especially since it's almost all the other characters getting posessed/turning evil so Clark and Lex can pal around while figuring things out. In the end, Lex embraces his poorly foreshadowed Supervillain and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see him play the character in a show with a script that didn't suck.
This is Lana played by Kristen Kruek, and she's one of the few things that all people who watched Smallville agree on: she is fucking terrible. Okay that's not quite true. She has a dedicated fanbase of idiots that still insist it won't be Lois Clark marries DESPITE HIM DOING JUST THAT IN THE FINALE. In addition to just phoning every episode in, she is the most inconsistently written character in the history of television. One episode she's hyper-competent, the next she's a damsel in distress. Also of note is that she was the star of Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li which means she's responsible for working to ruin two things I love. Also of note is that she's one of the two starting main cast that wasn't in the series finale, and the only one people gave a crap about. Evidently this was because she was busy preparing for a ballet performance in L.A. Congratulations, Kruek. You jumped this sinking ship, even if you were the albatross around its neck the whole time.
This is Chloe Sullivan played by Alison Mack and anybody bitching about moe fandom in anime needs to shut the hell up because American TV does the exact same fucking thing. Chloe is, of course, Hollywood-nerd-alternate-pretty which is the kind of pretty that anyone with eyes would simply call drop-dead gorgeous.Oh, but she's nerdy and smart and is part of the school newspaper so that's okay then. When I say smart, I of course mean the Hollywood kind of smart where she's dumb as a brick so the plot can progress but has an obtuse vocabulary and knows lots of obscure facts. She's also notable for having the worst lines in the show, but I always found Mack an endearing enough actress that it kind of worked. Of note is that her character was originally supposed to be Lois Lane but was changed to an original character because they didn't want to give the ending away, which shows the lack of a thought-process the writers have. The entire show revolves around having an ending everyone already knows, but they can't have the girl everyone knows he ends up with anyways in it?
This is Jonathan "Pa" Kent played by Jonathan Schneider who also played Bo Duke on the Dukes of Hazzard. I wish I could make that up: Bo Duke is Superman's dad. He's an alright actor, but in this show oftentimes he feels less like the moral pillar that created Clark as a Superhero and more the judgmental asshole that helped drive Lex to supervillainy. He's a stubborn asshole and whenever Lex and he are in the same room, he treats Lex like a prick just because of who his father is. More disturbing is the fact that we're supposed to pick this up as his fatherly wisdom. That said, he does has some nice moments of being supportive of his son.
This is Martha Kent played by Anette O'Toole who is a gigantic Superman fan eye are elle. Also notable is that she played Lana Lang in Superman III and if you didn't know that because you never saw that movie I don't blame you. Martha herself tends to be the nice parent to Jon's gruff parent routine and later becomes a part of a conflicted romance with Lionel Luthor, Lex's father. Oftentimes she's mostly there to dispense folksy wisdom and be mom-y.
This is Lionel Luthor, played by John Glover, and... and... I'm sorry but that hair is glorious. It's more distracting than Erica Durance's chest. I just wanna curl up in it and make a nest... NO MALK! FOCUS! In any case, Lionel is one of the few reasons to watch this show that aren't attached to a female actress' chest. He really does give the feel of a supervillian who was born a few years too early to embrace his full kitsch. Honestly, if it weren't for the terrible show he was saddled to, I would have expected his ties to Lex to become part of the comic canon.
This is Lois Lane, played by Erica Durance and humina humina humina (slaps self) In any case, in addition to being utterly stunning Durance is a pretty great Lois who is just attached to a terrible script. I honestly would love to see her tackle the character in a Superman film, or another TV show that doesn't suck. It's notable that oftentimes she feels more like a superhero than Clark, going out to investigate criminal activities and even occasionally getting superpowers. Honestly, some of my favorite episodes have her in them and it's usually because they feel like an issue of Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane.
This is Green Arrow played by Justin Hartley. He was initially a one-episode guest but was so popular they brought him back as a regular. It's easy to see why, because they basically just made him Batman after Nolan put the kibosh on letting them have Batman in this show. Hartley is pretty notable as it really feels like he wants to play the comic book's Greenpeace-meets-James Bond Green Arrow but is tied to this scowling and grimacing persona. Even so, he's one of the better parts of this show (even if his costume makes him look like a douche bag) and many of the best moments are when the show turns into a superhero sitcom and he waltzes in like a good-looking Kramer.
And those are the characters people give a shit about. Like I said, I'm taking suggestions but here are the episodes I'll be liveblogging so far.
The Pilot (duh)
Transference (an episode where Clark and Lionel switch places)
Justice (the episode featuring the Justice League, often called the series' best episode)
Heat (The episode where Clark ejaculates fireballs)
Spell (Lana, Chloe, and Lois get possessed by Witches and spend the entire episode in skimpy outfits. Smallville fans act like this isn't the greatest thing ever)
Relic (an episode where we learn Jor-El came to earth. No srsly)
Warrior (the episode where Lois dresses up as Wonder Woman. No srsly)
Lexmas (Christmas in smallville! I'll be handling this during the holiday time!)
Hex (an episode where Zatanna shows up)
Legion (an episode with the legion of superheros. No srsly)
Mercy (on recommendation of a friend, the episode where Lionel sees Clarks powers in action)
Thirst (Lana gets turned in a SCIENCE! Vampire)
The finale (duh)
Comments
*Has never watched Smallville*
and the vampires were made that way by
Kryptonitemeteor rock....fuck this show.
Now that we've got that unpleasant accusation dealt with I just realized I should also probably do Absolute Justice, the made for TV movie of Smallville which I'm pretty sure was also penned by a certain Geoff Johns.
By the way, I love your liveblog and John Glover's hair. My God, it's marvellous...
Here we go ladies and Gentlemen.
The show starts in SPAACE as we have lil' Clark's shuttle hurtling towards earth which then comes to cut into a helicopter that has both Lionel and Lil' Lex in it. It has Lex reading newspaper declaring the CEO of Queen Industries dead, a pretty obvious reference to Green Arrow for those in the know, but I doubt at this point Nolan was forbidding them from using Batman so I wonder if they actually planned to have GA in from the beginning.
In any case, Lionel starts berating his son for being afraid of heights because he's a great parent like that, and honestly it's actually a pretty good scene as it shows the work of an abusive parent that thinks he's helping his son with his words. It's hardly subtle, but then would you expect it to be?
We then come to the Kents visiting the Lang-owned florists where there's a four-year-old Lana and already we've raised questions, since they're supposed to be in the same grade and Clark is supposed to be a baby. First two minutes and we've got our first inconsistency! In any case, Lana's aunt Nell decides to unsubtly insult Martha all the while flirting with Johnathan right in front of her. Salt of the earth these small town folks.
Lana is dressed up as a fairy princess and asks Martha if she wants to make a wish and Martha does, obviously for a child. It might have been subtle if the VERY NEXT SCENE DIDN'T STRAIGHT UP EXPLAIN IT.
Meanwhile Lionel and Lex are at a corn farm no doubt taking control of a small city's corn supply: THE FIEND! Lex wanders off into the corn field and Lionel completely ignores him. Parenting. Honestly though, these don't bother me since they're supposed to be bad parent actions. Later actions by Pa Kent are what will set my blood boiling.
Lex is freaked out and runs through the field completely lost which is when he finds...
A crucified man with an S emblazoned on his chest. Good god, you know the writing staff were high-fiving each other when they thought that up. You may be wondering why he has an S on his chest in the first place. Yes, they explain that. No, it doesn't make it any better.
Then Rocks fall, everyone dies. The end.
Actually, no. A meteor strikes comes down, and almost as though it were in a poorly written script Lana's not-at-all asian parents are the first to get hit. In all honesty it's pretty hilarious. We then cut to the Kents and Bo Duke is having more than a little trouble driving through the asteroids. Them Hazzard boys better learn to fly... or start flappin' their arms.
Lionel finally decides to look for Lex and finds that, to his horror, his son will never have the glorious mane that he does.
Meanwhile the Kents crawl from their wrecked car completely uninjured because all that Dukes of Hazzard paid off. And we find a Clark that I can't see how we were supposed to buy this kid as an infant.
Seriously, he's supposed to be a baby, but he looks old enough to actually have memories of Krypton.
They find the shuttle after some 'clever' dialogue and decide to adopt him. What are the odds?
No seriously, what are the odds? I know the Superman story depends on coincidence at this point, but minutes after making a wish? Could it be that Lana Lang... is actually god?
The show then cuts to 'today' which is weird considering the flashback was in 1989, meaning that the director's lack of foresight means it's 22 years later and Clark is still in High school.
"Where'd you learn your manners?"
"On a farm"
You are a tool, Clark.
Clark asks his parents to play Football because if there's one thing that characterizes Superman it's using his powers for personal gain and glory. Pa Kent tries his hardest not to be a dick about it, and there's some decent acting on his part at least, struggling with wanting to give his kid what he wants and preventing him from breaking the bones of a visiting sophomore. Clark of course then whines about how much having superpowers sucks.
Clark misses the bus and uses his superspeed to get to school on time, all the while his best friend Pete, who didn't make the initial character list for lack of a personality, makes comments about how Clark sucks. Best friends folks.
Back at school Chloe insists to Pete that she totally one hundred percent isn't interested in Clark (tsun tsun) and they're stunned to see Clark made it by which he says he took a shortcut. Now, call me a pedant but if Clark misses the bus often enough that Chloe and Pete bet on it, wouldn't he have done this before? Why are they so surprised?
We then get some clunky exposition about how Chloe is obsessed about weird things and Pete mocks her about it because he's such a good friend. Clark just kind of sits around dumb-struck until the idea of sports comes up. We then learn of the scarecrow hazing 'ritual' where the football team takes a freshman strips him down to his boxers, crucifies him, paints on S on his chest and leaves him for the night.
Now, I know firsthand how fucked up hazing rituals can be, but seriously wouldn't they stop after someone died back in '89? You'd figure the school would stop turning a blind eye after that. Also, the S stands for Smallville... or Scarecrow I guess. Way to shoehorn it in.
And then we meet Lana, full with slo-mo and soft music. Clark goes to talk to her, and stumbles like a retard as soon as he does. It actually turns out that it's because she has a necklace with
kryptonitemeteor rock on it. I get they're going for a metaphor about how sick you feel around the girl you have a crush on, but this screws with the show's internal consistency. First of all it's pretty morbid to wear a piece of the rock that killed your parents. Second, since most of the villains in this show get their power from the rock why is she completely normal?"Nietzsche. Didn't realize you had a dark side Clark. So, what are you? Man or Superman?"
Aaaaand my remote just went flying at the TV.
Then Lana is met up with by her boyfriend Whitney and props to the casting department for casting a guy who pretty much perfectly encapsulates the very look of every asshole who you've ever met in high school. The dude is just easy to despise, and that's something considering half his scenes are with Lana. Not many people can manage to look like an asshole while asking a man who looks sick if he's alright.
There's also this dude standing in the class hall who punches open the display of the school sports pictures and trophies. Nobody notices, of course. He mutters 'payback time' ominously, just in case the spooky music didn't tip you off.
We cut to Luthorcorp where a grown-up Lex has been stationed at the Smallville plant.
Cut to filler bullshit of Clark daydreaming about being on the football team while standing on the Bleachers. If this were several years later they would have used a Taylor Swift song, I'm sure.
After school, Clark is being despondent on the bridge while Nickelback plays in the background, a truck with completely terrible safety standards for its cargo of barbed wire is passing by ,and Lex is driving past at a ridiculous speed. Lex answers his phone as barbed wire falls off, which he drives over and crashes in Clark. Plot contrivance or Destiny? YOU DECIDE!
Out of character, Clark saves Lex and Lex returns to consciousness and gives Clark a look so lustful it had to be on purpose.
Seriously. Maybe he was going for 'realizing his destiny' but instead gave us the collective screeching of yaoi fangirls across America.
And that's part one of episode one! We've got thirty minutes to go, folks!
And here we have one of the creepiest things ever to be done with Clark's character. He uses his telescope to spy on Lana. Seriously. The writers did this, and they thought it would be romantic. They even have sappy music playing during it.
Meanwhile we have a bunch of filler bullshit where Whitney swears he won't be one of those people who coast on high school sports than crash and burn. More importantly, Lana gives her the necklace of that which killed her parents to him for safekeeping. Maybe in the hopes that he'll get superpowers.
We get another scene of the guy from the cornfield killing a mechanic guy and it turns out he has electric powers. I can't believe this show can actually make a grisly electrocution murder more dull than Lex looking lustfully at Clark.
Meanwhile, Lex buys fourteen year old Clark a car which is a pretty big oversight on the writers' part. I mean, it's possible that Lex wouldn't know but why would Clark be so excited? It's not like can drive it for at least a year. Pa Kent won't let him keep it because... he doesn't want him to be rewarded for doing good things I guess. Kent also decides to go on a rant about the Luthors and Clark fairly points out not to judge Lex on his father and Pa Kent says he's not even though that's exactly what he's doing. Jesus, I'll bet the Lexmas episode has Lex turning to evil after Pa Kent yells at him for bring Christmas gifts to the Kents.
Pa Kent says it's normal which causes Clark to freak out and shove his hand in the woodchipper. For some reason this freaks Pa Kent out as he tries to pull his invulnerable son's arm out, though to be fair he's probably more worried about the thousand dollar piece of machinery. Of course Clarks wants to be normal because awesome superpowers with no downside are just so terrible.
Pa Kent then explains where Clark came from and Clark freaks out some more about why he wasn't told this earlier. Possibly it could be the shock from learning he's an alien, but are you telling me he never entertained the possibility? Clark yells that 'you should have told me!' before zooming off! Even though that's exactly what he did.
The next scene is Lana horseback riding into a graveyard. I'm serious. It's as crazy as it sounds, especially since it looks like the opening to an Opeth video.
She then coincidentally runs into Clark, because hey why not? They then bond over being orphans and they go to Lana's grave and do the whole 'talking to the parents' thing.
Okay, 'Lana's dad' unsubtly asking if Clark is gay was pretty funny.
The scene would be a lot more charming if he wasn't just stalking her on his telescope last night. He asks her out and gets shot down. Asks the girl who has a boyfriend out. Clark, you are like a commoner in D&D: you have no class. Of course Lana offers to save him a dance if he comes because she's
a whoreconflicted on who she likes.And Whitney sees him peck Clark on the cheek, and we're supposed to gather that Whitney's a jealous prick, but come on. Wouldn't you be suspicious?
Clark, meanwhile, decides to visit Lex's Smallville mansion where Lex is busy fencing. This is honestly pretty great as it establishes Lionel's epic egomania of shipping the entire Luthor home from Scotland to Kansas just because he can and Lex broing it up with Clark. As much as I like Lex as a bro pre-villainy, it seems they're going for a Lex that is at heart a good person forced into villainy by the circumstances around him. Needless to say, I have a different image of Lex.
"Do you believe a man can fly?"
-groan-
Ten seasons of this crap folks.
Aside from that, I really like the idea that Lex sees something legendary in Clark and himself, even though Tom Welling couldn't sell that at all.
Chloe and Pete are doing things Superboy should be doing, researching the murders and single out a guy because he looks nervous. A nervous-looking guy at a murder-scene. Who'd have thought.
In an exposition scene, Chloe explains he went missing and he's immortal and has electric powers because of an electrolyte imbalance. We now turn to guest commentator Morbo.
Thanks, Morbo!
What's really weird about this show is how Clark is the one playing Watson to Chloe. Then later, he ends up doing the same to Lois. It's consistent in one place, at least.
Chloe introduces Clark and Pete to... THE WALL OF WEIRD and I'd be lying if her peppiness in this scene about the entire thing wasn't unbelievably adorable. It's also what keeps her worst lines cute and not intolerable. Clark, looking at the wall, realizes that his meteor storm is when Lana's parents died and goes off to sulk.
Going out, he gets confronted by Whitney and is totally actually ready to kick the normal person's ass but Whitney has the kryptonite and so he gets his ass handed to him. Whitney actually puts Lana's necklace on him for no real reason other than to artificially handicap Clark. The electric dude stands there for no reason and I can't tell why. Presumably seeing this would mean he'd want to stop it, right? I mean he's out for revenge, no?
And of course Clark is the one crucified with the S on his chest, though partial credit only as he has blue undies rather than red. The electric guy stands around and whines to Clark and doesn't even help him. Instead he's going to the homecoming dance to murder everyone. I'd say that was over-the-top but since real-life kids have done just that it's warranted.
Lex is magically there at the right time because hey why not and saves Clark from being tied up and ripped off the necklace which gets lost in the cornfield. Have fun explaining that to Lana, Whitney! A girl pulled punched me for dropping her Enya CD. She is going to flat out murder you. Fortunately, Lex picks it up while ominous music plays.
Clark goes to stop Electro-guy which basically amounts to really lame fight scene where the electric guy burns himself out and gets amnesia so we can tie up the loose ends and still absolve Clark of any moral issues or character dilemmas. Seriously, if this were a review instead of a liveblog I'd forget to put him in. You know some Smallville fan will be a writer one day and 'bring him back' though.
So the dance is saved! Yaaaaay! Rather than celebrate Clark mopes from the rafters.
Oh god I just realize the song they're playing is all about a hidden self. -groans-
Clark then uses his superpowers to engage in petty vandalism by stacking the jocks' trucks on top of each other! Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen! Passive aggressively one-uping the popular kids! Honestly, I think it'd be better if Clark was just standing being all 'how could I have done it?' rather than slinking off. I mean, Superman does want assholes put in their place, but if you're going to do it like this at least have him be a man about it.
Pa Kent asks Clark if he's okay. Clark asks to answer that in five years. It's funny to me because there's no way the writers could have thought the show would last as long as it did.
It then ends with Clark daydreaming that Lana comes over and
acts like a total whoresaves that last dance for him.Pros:
It was nice to see Alison Mack be energetic in the role again, as opposed to how tired she looks with it near the end of the series. Rosenbaum as Lex and Glover as Lionel are also great, so much so that I wish the show was about them instead.
Cons:
Kristen Kruek, Tom Welling, Kristen Kruek, The 'A' plot of the first meteor freak is really dumb and boring, Kristen Kruek.
Overall:
It's... well, it's not exactly terrible but watch it yourself and tell me for yourself you would have thought this show would last a decade based on this pilot.There are enjoyable moments, but it's not good television by any stretch of the imagination.
Could you get a better quality version of that second screenshot? It's hard to see.
"I'd say that was over-the-top but since real-life kids have done just that it's warranted."
I'm afraid to ask.
We open with school coming back in and Lana is making a video letter to Whitney who at the end of last season decided to go be stationed in Iraq so he could go to college. Lana and Whitney are in an LDR and that information will be important later. Oh, and Lana has a coffee shop now. At fifteen.
Chloe and Clark reunite with a pretty uncomfortable hug and we learn that Chloe was an intern at the Daily Planet which brings Chloe's count of doing things Clark should be doing in this liveblog to two. Chloe talks about this hot guy she met to passive aggressively try to make Clark jealous. (tsun tsun)
Pete goes on to talk about how the current science teacher is old and not sexy...
and in a HI-larious play on expectations, it turns out the teacher is a hottie wearing a dress that no school dress code would allow! It's almost like this is a poorly written sitcom! They even have Nelly's 'Hot in Herre' playing. Though if you ask me they should have gone with a different song.
So the class watches a sex ed video and Clark is more interested in the sexy teacher. There's even a classy shot of her boobs and showing a little bit of bra. No I'm not screecapping it. Put your hand down. In any case, while this video of Gorillas humping each other goes on, CLARK GETS SO TURNED ON HE EJACULATES FIREBALLS AT THE SCREEN
"Oh man anime is so creepy. It's all so sexual." Yeah, say what you will about anime fanservice I've yet to see one with ejaculating fireballs. (though I'm sure someone will show me one)
And so the class diligently does their firedrill exercise as we transition into...
The terrible terrible opening song by Remy Zero. I didn't have a chance to comment because the pilot actually didn't have the song, but now I'm going to use it as an excuse to complain about the terrible unfitting alt rock soundtrack Smallville has. Really, a Superman show should have a heavy techno soundtrack rather than the whining of Remy Zero.
Outside the school Lex shows and starts making smoochies with the new teacher much to the chagrin of Clark and countless yaoi fangirls. The teacher explains that Clark put the fire out.
"Clark, once again I'm grateful."
"And I'm confused."
Confused is your Tabula Rasa, Clark.
Lex introduces the teacher as Desiree his Fiance. I guess they felt Jezebel wasn't on the nose enough. Lex also gives him a wedding invitation FOR TONIGHT. Holy crap how is this possible? I mean, do you know how long weddings take to plan? I don't care how obnoxiously rich the Luthors are they can't afford time travel... yet, anyways. In any case, Lex asks Clark to be his best man which in my mind kind of pushes him outside of 'Older cool friend who sometimes buys you beer' and into 'creepy old manchild who can't spend time with people his own age.'
Lionel is, of course, in glorious form here with his wedding present to Lex.
Normally I'd call pulling out a prenup hack shorthand for shitty father-in-law but come on, the longest he could have known this girl is a few weeks. Desiree says it's going to cost a kiss for her to sign it (does anybody actually talk like this?) and Lex complies and we see that she's bedeviling him not just with her boobs but with
kryptoniteMeteor Rock Powers!After using her magic succubus powers she convinces Lex to rip up the prenup. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Our A-plot revolves around divorce money. Whoooo.
John Kent won't spring for an air conditioner because he can't afford it which seems weird to me considering how much he has Clark do chores around the far. I don't know farm work but I'd say having the cheapest most efficient work force on in the planet should make you a pretty decent profit.
Clark starts talking about his Fire-boner and it's pretty clear that Tom Welling is trying to make it sound like a puberty pain. He's even trying to make his voice crack. The trouble is that at this point Tom Welling is 25. Convincing me that he's going through puberty is as liking as convincing me that Russel Crowe is decent fellow after a few pints. I do have to say the look on Martha's face when she realizes they're fire boners is pretty amazing.
Normally Clark's angst pisses me off, but I know I'd be bother too if I set crap on fire every time I got a reputation damning locker-room stiffy.
We're now at the wedding, which is a good and proper outdoor affair, not some fly-by-night Vegas bit. Clark asks Chloe if everything's okay and Chloe insists it's 'Hunky-dory' which is a terminology Clark calls her out which is weird because at this point Clark should be used Chloe saying terrible things. Chloe then lies through her teeth that she's completely okay with Clark and her being friends.
"Quit staring Clark. You'll burn your eyes out."
You are not clever. Stop trying to be.
Lex is totally cool with Clark eyeing his wife and evidently Martha Kent helped make the cake which raises even further questions because she just found out this afternoon. After a discussion on how Lex met Desiree Lex unsubtly hints that Clark should just ask Lana out.
We're now at the Talon, Lana's coffee shop and Clark is trying to do a good take Lana's video letter. Clark lets slip that Whitney wanted Clark to keep an eye on Lana because Whitney is both a jealous prick and monumentally stupid. Lana laments putting her life on hold for Whitney, all the while in her coffee shop she co-owns with Lex and making Iced Coffee for the boy she's having Unresolved sexual tension with each week. Oh, you're a hot girl with a thriving business and your pick of hot superpowered boys. Jesus I wish I had your problems.
Lana then starts flirting with Clark and is pretty much just asking him to ravish her right there. Clark is trying so hard not have his jerk off fireballs while I'm kind of hoping he fries the skank right here.
Of course he doesn't set Lana on fire, but does set the coffee shop on fire.
So here's my question. We now have two fires in Smallville with the only link being Lana and Clark being there. Why are the cops not questioning them? Are we just meant to assume that Smallville cops, like everyone here, are legendarily thick?
Clark decides not to go to school today and Pa Kent tries to convince him to go which is kind of weird since Pa Kent is pretty paranoid about Clark being discovered. Pa Kent's solution is to have Clark practice on a scarecrow to aim properly, which is odd to me since if he gets turned on in a place like school it's not like there will be a 'safe' place to shoot. Oh, and Elvis' 'A Little Less Conversation' is playing for some reason.
Pa Kent ask Clark to think about what turned him on to activate the fireballs. Man, I had that awkward conversation with my dad.
Clark is pretending the scarecrow is Lana which to me tells me that a good old Lana Lang body pillow would solve most of the show's problems. Evidently that short moment of practice solved all his problems because now he uses it to cook Jiffy Pop.
Clark is lighting random candles for fun while Mrs. Luthor makes a housecall to Clark's and starts hitting on him.It's actually really boring for a seduction scene and Welling, being a former model, has trouble selling being flustered by a girl.
Desiree works her magic on Clark and... it doesn't work. Presumably because he's still in love with Lana... or Lex. Desiree freaks out and leaves, begging Clark not to tell Lex. The fact that Clark complies with this makes him a much shittier bro than Lex is.
Clark instead decides to have Chloe research the lady for him, because we don't want future reporter Clark Kent to do any investigating on his own, nosiree.
"What would you say if I said last night she came up to my loft and tried to seduce me."
"I'd say you were living the voyeuristic fantasy of every male student in this school."
Not even Chloe can make that line cute.
Chloe isn't buying Clark's story and is being something of a bitch to him (tsun tsun) and refuses to believe that there's someone in Smallville with superpowers despite meeting over a dozen last season. Clark decides to go talk to Lex.
"Where there's smoke there's fire... excuse the aphorism."
NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS!
Clark meets up with Lex and Lex tells Clark that Desiree told him everything which of course means she told him that Clark came on to her. Clark presents her with the fact that she had an alias and Lex straight up doesn't give a crap. Lex then kicks Clark out. Oh man, not cool Lex. Here I thought you were a proponent of the bro code.
And that is part one of Season 2, Episode 2: Heat! Join me in another hour or so when I finish the second part!
"CLARK GETS SO TURNED ON HE EJACULATES FIREBALLS AT THE SCREEN"
If you will excuse me, Codename_M308:
Lex confronts Desiree about the name change and to Lex's credit he attempts to keep smoochies away so he can talk to her, but Desiree works her magic anyways. So much for the plot moving.
Chloe is now being filmed for the video letter and wants an exclusive interview with Whitney when he gets back... wait, what?
Chloe angsts about Clark not paying attention to her and Lana comforts her. The trouble with this is that while there's prime drama for two friends attracted to the same person having tension but still respecting each other, the writers can't make Lana anything less than perfect and so she just Mary Sues it up and she and Chloe are best buds ever.
Lex shows up and he's shutting down the coffee shop. Obviously, he's under Desiree's control but again I have a hard time buying that after a disastrous fire to a shop managed by a fifteen-year-old girl that even Bruce Wayne would continue to fund the place.
Clark confronts Desiree on this and Desiree just completely embraces the femme fatale kitsch and says she can completely fuck up Clark's life by smooching the people who are close to him. Clark says he won't let her do that, which is a pretty hollow threat since that's exactly what he's been doing this entire episode.
Desiree blows up her own car in a way I'm pretty sure isn't possible. Evidently she has a dastardly plot.
Clark explains the situation to his parents and props to Anette O'Toole again, she does a perfect angry righteous mom.
So the cops finally come to arrest Clark for the suspicious fires but it's implied that it has less to do with any actual logic the cops were filing than by Desiree's magic smoochies. Pa Kent tells Clark to comply with the cops, wrongly assuming Clark has the backbone to do anything for himself.
Martha goes to see Lex at the Talon and Martha pretty much guilts the hell out of him. Lex, is of course, under the love mojo making that entire scene pointless.
Pa Kent then decides to confront Desiree who is swimming in the Luthor pool topless because of of course she is. Pa is doing the moral married man thing and deliberately not looking at her and asking her to dress goddammit. After all this is a family show.
Desiree tricks Pa Kent to get close to her and forces a smooch on him which puts him under her control. Either my initial theory about Clark was wrong or the Kent marriage is loveless sham.
Chloe and Lana check in on Clark with the investigative work they did for him. I have a feeling in the future Smallville world, Chloe just does Clark's work at The Daily Planet while pretending to be coffee girl.
So it turns out Desiree was getting boned when the
kryptoniteMeteor Rock hit giving her Succubus powers. Desiree has been doing this a number of these Black Widow inheritance murders but wait... she lost all her money because she invested it in dot com stocks? Seriously?Oh man, Smallville you are hilarious.
So in any case, as one of the many sufferers from the burst of the dot com bubble she decided to go after Lex Luthor for his money. She intended on getting Clark to kill Lex, but it didn't work because of his Kryptonian blood which is confusing because you'd figure powers gotten from
kryptoniteMeteor Rock would be more useful to him. Chloe of course has to make a snide comment about it. (tsun tsun)Clark decides to start a fire in the jailroom and then superspeeds off, no doubt cementing his innocence in the eyes of Kansas police!
Evidently Desiree is trying to get Lex to sign a Last Will and Testament and fortunately the warning bells are going off the should be for any twenty-something that just got married. Lex doesn't fuck around, though. He straight up asks if Desiree is going to kill him.
Enter Pa Kent With a Rifle starring Bo Duke.
Clark comes right in time to block a hilarious CGI rifle bullet with his hilarious heat boners. Silly FX or subtle homoerotic phallic imagery? You decide!
Clark then knocks his dad out. Desiree then sets Lex on fucking fire.
Clark heats the door handles to keep Desiree from escaping and puts Lex out. followed by another satisfying gay look at each other.
Evidently the arson charges have been dropped and put on Desiree despite the fact that Desiree could have only started two of those fires.
Lex finds Clark in his loft reading a book I can't determine and apologizes to Clark. He then goes on a spiel about passion which I think is supposed to signify him growing darker but really he just sounds like a dude who went through a divorce.
The final scene is Lana shooting footage of a video in which we learn Lex decided to rebuild the coffee shop in the care of a teenager after all. Lana notices that Clark was at all three fires, officially making her smarter than anyone in Kansas Police but doesn't really do anything other than note Clark is weird.
Lana then reveals that she's going use the video letter to break up with Whitney. Break up with the man stationed in Iraq. Lana you are like a white man in the twenties: You have no soul.
Pros: Anette O'Toole brought her A-game to this episode. Her reactions and statements are great. The inherent silliness of the 'Hot in Herre' scene is entertaining despite itself.
Cons: BONERS. BONERS BONERS BONERS.
We open in France, 1604 (Hey, don't look at me like that. I didn't write it) where three witches, one in a Little Red Riding Hood cloak are being burned alive at the stake. Now, I know at this point Smallville hardly had a huge budget, but something about the costumes in this show feels a bit too familiar.
And the hood of the girl in red is pulled back to be none other than... LANA LANG!
/wmg/ Lana is a time lord. Hurr Hurr. /wmg/
Of course, the girls are tied to the stakes to be burned and the three stones of
macguffinpower and Witch Lana's grimoire are mentioned. She spits blood at her grimoire and mentions some magic words which presumably started some sort of spell.It's also worth noting that witch Lana looks awful Asian to be French but nobody really looks French so I guess that's fine.
"When the time is appointed, my heir will awaken me!" cries Witch Lana. Then she starts cackling as the flames consume her.
We then go to present day where Lana has gotten the Grimoire on eBay
and I HATE THIS SHOWshe had to max out her entire credit card to get it. At seventeen. Well she already has a coffee shop so why not?She mentions it's the spellbook of Countess Isabelle Margaret Thoreau which sounds more like a character from a Jane Austen fanfic than a witch and HOLY SHIT IS THAT JENSEN ACKLES?!
It is! Dean Winchester what are you doing here? Don't you have delicious homoerotic subtext with your brother? In any case, Dean and Lana start unsubtly dropping exposition on how this was built-up in previous episodes. That's right. This is something they were building up for half the season. Lana getting possessed by a witch!
Lana finds the blood-splattered page of the grimoire and gets possessed by hilariously terrible special effects. Or more likely, the Thoreau-witch. RUN DEAN, SHE'S GOING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE SUPERIORITY OF LIFE IN THE WILDERNESS!
Enter the hilariously bad opening song. Jensen Ackles has opening credits billing evidently.
Lois shows up at the Kent farm and is basically bullying Clark into letting her use the Kent barn for Chloe's eighteenth birthday. I kind of like the idea of Lois being able to push Clark around, but in this show it doesn't separate her from anyone else.
Clark is nervous because an interviewer from Princeton is coming to his house. Now see, I applied to Princeton and nothing like that ever ever happened. Granted, I didn't get in, but presumably neither has he because he's worried about making a bad impression. Yes, I am nitpicking.
Back in her room Lana has set up an entire apothecary up. It turns out she needs the hair of two virgins for the spell to bring back her sisters. Chloe and Lois show up and Lana explains it away as a 'science project'. Chloe logically calls bullshit on the Sword & The Stone set being a science project but she explains it away and neither Lois nor Chloe react in any meaningful way despite every character on Smallville having been possessed about a billion times at this point.
Lois starts berating Lana for forgetting to take Chloe out shopping while Lois plans the party. When she turns away, Lana grabs a hair from her head. Lana looks at it and is perturbed because evidently Lois isn't a virgin, and this entire scene pisses me off because there's an air of 'hahahaha Lois is a slut' and I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're better than that Smallville. You shouldn't be engaging in slut-shaming, particularly not with Superman's future wife.
Lana goes over to Clark's house and starts chatting to him and every word she says is filled with that stereotypical sexpot emphasis and Clark questions her acting weird, then backs down like the fucking tool he and everyone else in the cast is immediately. While she's smooching Clark, she tries to cut off his hair with a pair of scissors but it doesn't work because his hair is indestrucible... which is a bit silver age for this show, but it still amuses me. Oh, and evidently Clark says he won't let her cheat on Dean but still won't actually physically move away from Lana at all. You goddamn prick.
"I needed a lock of hair for a scrapbook I'm making for Chloe."
"All you had to do was ask."
"Well, where's the fun in that?"
You know, there's nothing like a good joke... and that was nothing like a good joke.
Clark pulls out some his hair and gives it to Lana and now she can complete her spell! The plot thickens!
In Luthor Manor, Lex is playing piano like crazy and there's actually a pretty clever camera trick that makes it looks like Lex is actually playing. Lana comes to Lex's and if she needs more virgin hair she's sadly out of luck.
Lana asks for a bottle of wine for Chloe's birthday and Lex for some goddamn reason takes issue with getting her a bottle at eighteen. I'm wondering if this episode was written by some puritan, between this and the slut shaming.
Lana starts babbling about the brands of wine she'd prefer like some pretentious bitch that just saw Sideways and other than a jokey comment, Lex doesn't seem to think there's anything weird about this. Greatest criminal mind in the world my ass.
Evidently, Lex has an antique page of some other magic book with a map hidden under it just lying around in his study and Witch Lana totally freaks out about and Lex actually finally confronts her about this. Lana uses her magic to take the book page and freeze Lex, and realizes Lex is after the stones of power. She then makes him play piano forever.
So now the potion is complete and Lana has asked Lois and Lana to come meet her in the middle of the woods and they do because everyone on Smallville took the 'legendarily thick' flaw at character creation. Chloe mentions that she knew about the party Lois and Lana were planning, mentioning that nothing gets by her and I honestly can't tell if Smallville was trying to beat us over the head with the irony or just didn't catch it.
Lana gives Lois and Chloe glasses of the potion of wine and they drink as humorously appropriate lightning strikes.
and Lois and Chloe are both possessed by bad special effects witches named Madeline and Brianna. They're pretty happy with their new bodies. "Look at THESE!" Lois cries, thrusting her boobs forward. That's the most excited anyone on Smallville has been over anything.
....and the file just crashed.... three times Either it's a bad file or God is telling me not to hurt myself like this. Well, screw you God. I'm going to see if I can find another file for this. Toodles until then.