Somebody blooooog me: A smallville live blog.

Malkavian

Welcome back! Now where were we?

Oh yes. 'Look at THESE!'

'
Keep it classy, Smallville. You know what? This episode also highlights for me the issue with the love triangle for the second half of the show where Lana was effectively cut out of the picture. Clark is basically being forced to choose between the hot blonde intrepid reporter and the hot brunette intrepid reporter.

Lana seems appropriately embarrassed for Lois and the look on Lana's face is good enough that I'm convinced Kristen Kruek herself was uncomfortable with the action. Evidently the only way to make Kruek act is sexual harassment. Chloe says she knows the woods of France by smell and Lana states there in Kansas. How the hell would anybody from seventeenth century France know what a 'Kansas' was?

Lana wants to go and get the stones of power again, but Chloe and Lois aren't too keen on being burnt at the stake again, but they just go along with it anyways.

Back at the Kent ranch, it seems like they're throwing a pretty intense shindig for something thrown together in a few hours. Half of Smallville seems to be there too. Jesus Christ, I was lucky if I got to a movie on my birthday.

Clark sees Dean Winchester (His name is actually Jason in the show, but I'm still going to call him Dean) and whenever Clark tries to say a word to him the dude just flips out about being Lana's boyfriend whether or not Clark likes it, and he's absolute cardboard. I never thought I'd see Jensen Ackles be more boring than Tom Welling.

And Clark and Dean discover to their horror, that the three ladies... HAVE TURNED INTO GOTHS!



There's a lot of logic to question here, but I can't bring myself to complain about it. Shut up, I had to sit through fire boners, so I'm enjoying my smut.

The entire crowd cheers as they walk in slowly with camera angles that get a male gaze rating of 10 out of 10.

Lana doesn't want to fuck around at the party, but Chloe and Lois want to go have hot witch sex with boys so they stay. Clark talks about how the Princeton guy will be here any minute and Lois responds by trying to fuck him. Meanwhile Dean tries to confront Lana and notes she's acting weird. Kruek sells disdain incredibly well in this scene. Again, I have to wonder if off-stage she and Ackles just didn't like each other.

The witches decide to use their magic spells to liven up the party... and honestly when there's a spell in your grimoire that just turns the people half-naked and makes Gwen Stefani's 'What Are You Waiting For' play I have to question the sincerity of your commitment to the Black Arts.

And HI-LARIOUSLY this is just when the Princeton guy shows up. Smallville: the superhero show that uses sitcom cliches.

Clark has been affected by the spell too, which is at least consistent since Superman is vulnerable to magic, and just grins at the Princeton guy goofily as he grinds between Lois and Chloe.

Well that edit was awkward. It's the next morning and the barn is trashed. Evidently the Kent parents are in Metropolis and are calling in and Clark lies about the Princeton guy coming in. I don't see why. Again, at this point in the series John and Martha should just 'Oh a witch came in and forced you belly dance with her. Okay, we'll try and get another interview.'

Clark is goes to Lex's who is still playing Piano and asks him to pull strings to get into Princeton, because when I think of Superman I think of manipulating the system to one's own advantage.

Lex is of course magically forced to play piano and the shot of his hands and the keyboard being all bloody is admittedly pretty damn metal.



Clark physically pushes the piano away from him and holds him so he can't play.

In the next scene, Dean shows off those Winchester hunting skills as he figures out that Lana is possessed by Isabelle. The confrontation between the two in this scene is unspeakably boring, it's like the absolute reverse of two actors trying to out-ham each other. Dean figures out that if he burns the book, the witches go away, even though he has no reason to assume that other than genre convention but whatever. Like a dumbass he announces what he's doing thus letting Lana react by poltergeisting him around the room and taking the book away.

Clark comes in just as Lana uses her magic to toss Dean out a window and Clark superspeeds and catches him... which I guess means that Dean knows that Clark has superpowers but I really don't care. Lana gives Clark a neon message that says to meet him at the barn at midnight.

He of course goes to the barn and the witches start using their magic powers on him and Clark reacts and defends himself. It's a silly low-budget affair, but we finally get to see people with Superpowers actually fight so I'll let it slide.

Lana says that Clark's 'magics' are impressive and Clark is completely flabbergasted at the idea that the people trhowing firebolts and levitating people to throw them out of windows is using magic.

The girls then paralyze Clark and mount him in what I like to call the best day in Tom Welling's life.



Clark tries to awaken them with the whole 'I know you're in there somewhere speech' and the witches just totally fuck with him before using magic to take away powers... which they can do evidently because fuck you.

And now Clark's powers are gone! Who will ineffectually mope at us now?

They chain Clark up to a post because they're supervillains and can't just kill him of course.  Clark explains that he's not a sorceror which causes Chloe to be flabbergasted and Lana to think the new powers were nifty keen. Considering Superman's power set makes him weak to magic, a sorcerer with them raises a lot of interesting questions this show will of course never get to.

Clark knows about the three stones of power. Oh good christ I hope they don't turn out to be kryptonite meteor rock.

You know, it amazes me how much of this show I've forgotten. It's like my brain just went. 'Yep, this needs to go. I've Iron Maiden lyrics to memorize!'

In any case, they start interrogating in what's pretty much a soft-core porn scene. Chloe starts torturing him to find out where the stones and Lana stops him because 'there are easier ways' Oh please. Take away Clark's gamecube and he'll start squealing.

Evidently, Lana can use Clark's lust for her and the fact that Lana has lust for him as well to smooch him and find out where they are. Yet for some reason they're not dating. Whatever. So now that they know where the stones are, they teleport away.

Dean shows up FOR NO REASON AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE HAVE ESTABLISHED HE HATES CLARK to untie him. Yeah, we couldn't have Clark being clever or something. He had to be saved by Deus Ex Machina. Dean explains that the girls have been possessed. Clark says he's not sure where they went EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS WHERE THE STONES OF POWER ARE AND THEY TOLD HIM THEY WERE GOING TO GET THEM FUCK I HATE THIS SHOW I HATEITIHATEITIHATEIT! SOMEONE SEND HELP! SAVE ME!



Ok, I think I'm okay... that was immature... and Dean goes to school while Clark goes to the Talon which is where I'm sure the fucking Stones of Power are.

In an incredibly well-lit cave, Lana is giving a supervillain speech about how they'll be gods when they get stones yadda yadda. It's cliche, but at least it's stuff you'd expect to see in a superhero show.

They open a doorway into another cave and and find a magic stone that looks a lot like the hunk of quartz I got at the science center for five bucks when I was eleven.

Her monologuing is interrupted by.... CLARK WITH A SHOTGUN!



Ok, riddle me this? They have your powers. You are invulnerable to bullets. WHY DID YOU THINK A SHOTGUN WOULD BE A GOOD CHOICE AND NOT SOME KRYPTONITE METEOR ROCK? JUST GO OUT TO YOUR BACK YARD AND I'M SURE YOU'LL TRIP OVER SOME!

and of course they magically yank the shotgun out of his hands.... and there goes that.

Lana grabs the stone of power and it starts glowing and burns her and she lets go of it. Clark catches and gets his powers back because.... fuck you that's how.

So it's pretty obvious these rocks are Kryptonian in some way What were they doingon Earth in 1604? And why would Kryptonians develop technology that restores powers they don't even have on their planet AND WHY DOES NOTHING IN THIS SHOW MAKE A FUCK OF SENSE?

Clark uses his heat boners to burn up the book while the witches make no move to stop him because we've only got three minutes left to go and we need to wrap shit up.

The three girls are all unconscious on the ground as is Clark for some reason... Lana asks what happens and Clark doesn't tell her. Again, I don't see why not. It isn't like Smallville being a freakshow hotspot isn't the world's worst-kept secret.

The next morning, Clark meets up with his parents who are back in Smallville and because the show wants so bad to be a sitcom, we have a scene where Pa Kent finds out about the party.



Man, Clark can't get away with nuthin'. Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaah!

"It was magic."
"I'm sure it was."

Clark, to his credit, tries to explain but clearly after everything Bo Duke has seen he still draws the line at magic. Because that would just be silly. John Kent, you are like the prices at Crazy Eddie's Discount Stereos: insane.

Lex shows up at Lana's coffee shop to make Evil Dead references and they both talk about how awesome Clark is despite neither of them mentioning helping out with that Princeton interview he blew. Lex then explains that Clark didn't get Jason fired from his job a few episodes ago, Lex did. Evidently, Mr. Winchester was a teacher at the school (if I remember properly Gym teacher and football coach) and Lex rightly got him fired for dating Lana.  Meaning that Lex is taking the blame for doing the moral thing. This entire scene has Lana bitching at him for interfering with her personal life instead of... you know, reporting on a teacher that used his position to take advantage of a teenage girl. The worst part of it is it's clear you're supposed to agree with Lana. What the fuck, show. One also has to wonder how the hell Mr. Winchester isn't on a sex offender registry for this and why Lana's aunt didn't put out a goddamn restraining order, but fuck it. Smallville only cares about things being realistic when it makes the story more boring.

Lana goes to the barn to thank Clark and to apologize because she should have known that Clark would never have told anyone about her being taken advantage by a teacher. Ugh. Lana then explains that weird superpower stuff is happening to her and shows her a symbol on her back that was also in the cave. Lana asks Clark if she knows what it means and Clark straight-up lies to her, because as we've seen in this show,deception totally never causes more problems.  It's also insane that Chloe and Pete were told but not his best friend Lex and the woman he loves Lana. Lana gives Clark a 'You're a lying prick' look and the last shot is Lex finding the symbol in the cave.

Pros: For all its stupidity, it was good to see actual superhero-y stuff going on in an episode. Durance and Mack were both unspeakably hot as witches, and Michael Rosembaum wasn't in the episode much but he sells his scenes.

Cons: The plot really doesn't make a lot of sense, and even with context there's a lot of stuff that is incomprehensible. Also, Jensen Ackles was completely wooden in this show, and I have no idea why. Anybody who has seen Supernatural (or even that .gif I always post) knows that Ackles can be hella hammy and charming. My only theory is that the Smallville team surgically removed his charisma and tried to implant it into Welling, but he had an allergic reaction.

And that was the episode Spell! Let's ask the audience! Which episode should I do next?

RedEyedAbyss

Well, try not to set too many things on fire tonight.

MillerCross

I approve.

All Nines

I can't believe the show my mom loved so much was this horrible the whole time.

It was an entertaining read, though.

Malkavian

Hello, True Believers For tonight's Smallville episode, I wanted do something festive... something spooky... something with good ol' horror monsters in it, and something that will genuinely chill you. It's why I've chosen what's considered the worst Smallville episode of them all: Thirst.

Now let that sink in. 

Worst.

Smallville.

Episode.

Oh shut up. I'm the one who's going to watch this damn show.

We open at the Daily Planet where Holy Cow is that Margot Kidder?

It is! The actress who played Lois Lane in the original Superman films! Stop reminding me I could be watching good shows, Smallville!

In any case Chloe is begging for an intership at the Planet and why is she being interviewed by this person and not Perry White? Evidently she didn't get the internship and much like me she's wondering why she was dragged to Metropolis.

Chloe begs for the internship and the not-Lois is a bitch about it. Finally, this not-Perry White named Paula Kahn tells Chloe to bring her a story.

Oh god, and we've already got Chloe making vampire puns, lord help us.

We then go a sorority when a pizza guy is dragged into the house by three woman in bikinis who really seem to have bikinis on for no other reason than the get the sexploitation factor up. 

There's this really long overhead shot where you can't really seen anyone except for the top of their heads. Seriously, it's about a minute long.

Ok wait seriously.

Did Smallville really just have a vampire feed from a guy via HIS BONER?

Excuse me, I need to go and get something to drink.

After the hilariously bad intro sequence we learn that A) James Marsters is in this episode Clark and Lana are dating C) Lana is packing for college. Evidently she's going to Metropolis U and Lana is thinking of trying a sorority and she's going to study astronomy, most likely because of the asteroids that killed her parents. Bitch is ice-cold. Lana assures Clark that nothing will change between them. Man, I sure hope there isn't a cut to something hilarious that will prove Lana wrong.

Son of a bitch!

The Sorority head assures Lana that they are the richest, the prettiest, and the best. Christ this shit is like Shrodinger's Poe's Law, consistently in a state of being sincere and being parody. 

Oh god, the president of the sorority is named Buffy. Someone wrote that and thought they were being clever.... then someone else read that and paid him for it, then an actress was paid to say it and then also paid for it. It's a pseudonym created by Chloe for her paper but the fact it's supposed to make her seem clever just makes it worse. And why is she using Pseudonyms for a paper for the Daily Planet?

And holy crap It's Spike! Teaching Roman history! Spike, you poser, you were embraced in the Victorian age! 

So a little background. Marsters is actually playing Brainiac in this show. This scene in particular has a ham-handed thing about how most Romans stood by while evil men took over when somebody should have taken a stand which is probably the worst history lecture ever, but also consider that Brainiac's words are meant to help inspire Clark.

BRAINIAC.

And Lex shows up for no reason in the shadows.

Brainiac then asks about what it would mean for Smallville if Lex Luthor turned out to be an insane power-hungry supervillain and Clark stammers instead of answering that it's actually Lionel Luthor who runs the plant in Smallville now. Keep your goddamn show consistent.

You could make a drinking game out of the times Clark hesitates dumbfoundedly.

We now have this scene where Brainiac and Lex bare teeth at each other but never actually do anything because you wouldn't want people doing something in a superhero show.

Of course, Lana is the only one who made the sorority and she's dumbfounded while the girls spooge over how awesome she is. They explain there's one initiation ritual they have to do. 

Cue bared fangs. 

And because Smallville is trashy but also doesn't want controversy we get a shadow lesbian makeout scene.

Stay classy, Smallville.

And Lana is now a vampire! Who will be self-righteous while the cast fawns over her now?

In the Luthor mansion, Lex is playing pool because bad guys do while Brainiac is brought in because presumably Lex wants to blackmail him. Brainiac gives him his entire personal history of everything he's ever done to claim he can't be blackmailed, but I doubt 'malevolent AI from the doomed planet Krypton' is on his resume.

Really, Rosenbaum and Marsters are good actors, but this material is so dull. Lex swings his dick around about how he could get Brainiac fired and Brainiac mentions the illegal stuff he's doing with university funds and not only is it dull and predictable but we did this eight minutes ago.

In Chloe's room, she's set up a miniature wall of weird on her side of the room and Chloe's roommate is tearing the posters off, and all the while Lana is Lindsay Lohan-ing all over Chloe's bed.

Chloe opens her binds and doesn't notice Lana hiss and scurry away from the sun. Even Chloe's narration mentions how dumb it is that she didn't notice. Dear Smallville: DO NOT DRAW ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN FLAWS!

Clark is at Met U even though he's supposed to be a Kansas State... but superspeed I guess. Clark asks Lana about her night. Lana mentions it's a fuzzy blur for her.

"Are you okay, Lana?"

"Just feeling a bit dead."

...One pint of Newcastle isn't going to be enough.

Lana starts sniffing Clark and saying he smells amazing and then straight up tries to rape him. When Clark pushes her off, Lana complains about him being needy and insecure. Now, call me crazy but I don't see the instant connect between 'doesn't want to have sex at the moment' with 'co-dependent'.

Evidently, it was a good insult because Clark stands there dumbfounded. Take a shot.

Brainiac is rifling around the Luthor plant, the guard stops him and Brainiac pretty much Freddy Kruegers the dude.

 

Then he turns around and we see the craft Clark came to Earth in.

But Brainiac plotting to kill Superman and Lex Luthor is boring! Let's get back to boner-eating vampires!

Chloe googles vampires and must have the superpower of not running into Goth livejournals or Whitewolf fansites. After listing numerous vampire traits including immortality, Chloe says that Lana's going to learn about the immortality 'the hard way'. Wait what? Is there a 'hard way' to learn you'll never die? I mean sure, watching your loved ones die, but I thought we established vampire Lana is a self-centered psycho bisexual.

At the sorority Lana says being a vampire is 'so much better than listening to my boyfriend whine about his feelings.'

Yeah, well there's a reason there's no Smallville tabletop game. Just sayin'.

Then out of nowhere and for no real reason, one of the other vampires smacks Lana across the room! I mean it. No reason is given. 

Okay we have a shot of Lana with most of her bones broken lying prostrate on the floor. Kudos, for seeing Lana being utterly destroyed, Smallville, but you lose those points for bringing her back.

After she heals, Buffy (twitch) tells her she gets to live forever, and instead of it being 'hard' like Chloe said Lana reacts with an appropriate. 'Cool!'

And that's part one! Join me in another hour when we top this trainwreck off!

Malkavian

Okay, true believers! Ready for part 2?

Chloe and Clark talk about Lana's odd sleeping habits and once again Chloe does Clark's job by figuring out there's some conspiracy in the sorority. Clark superspeeds over and there's some questions I have about his superspeed since it essentially worked like teleportation here, but whatever.

Evidently the sorority only chooses one girl every year, and maybe I don't know frats/sors that well, but can they survive with only one member a year? Or are there frats that actually are that small and incestuous?

Chloe suggest investigating during the Halloween party which prompts Clark to say 'I hate costumes' which caused me to throw a beer bottle at the screen which missed and hit the wall and now I have to sweep up glass so I hope you're happy Smallville.

Chloe is dressed as a naughty schoolgirl because we haven't filled our sexploitation quote yet and Clark is dressed as... Zorro?! Did somebody tell the writer that Bruce was in this episode or something? For a show obsessed with mythology gags I'm surprised they didn't go for Circus Strongman.

Chloe tries to talk her way in but the girl thinks Clark is hot and lets them in despite Chloe's terrible lying. Also, she's calling him Carlos. Did they actually think Tom Welling would pass for hispanic?

"Don't you think the cape is a little much?"

"I kinda like it, it's the mask that's annoying. It slides around."

I'd throw this bottle but it still has beer in it.

Chloe spies Lana grinding with a dude and pulls her off right before she's going to feed. Chloe, you are like insecticide: A buzz-kill.

Clark snoops around Buffy's (twitch) room to find a newspaper clipping explaining that she was in a Bat Cave while the meteorite hit. She was exposed to radiation and bats... so she drinks blood... when THERE ARE NO BLOOD-SUCKING BATS IN NORTHERN AMERICA FUCK THIS SHOW IS STUPID! Might as well have said she was at Bela Lugosi's grave when the meteorites hit. That would have made more fucking sense.

Clark is discovered by Buffy dressed as a sexy devil. Now, here's a question for Smallville's many female fans, at what point do you actually stop finding the fanservice tongue-in-cheek eye candy and start finding them genuinely exploitative? 

In any case, Buffy doesn't do anything but give him a suspicious glare... because... because I don't know.

Downstairs Lana and Chloe are talking and Chloe is upset because Lana wouldn't hurt Clark like this, despite four previous seasons of playing passive aggressive tag with the dude. Lana draws fangs and Chloe raises a crucifix which doesn't work. This is odd because it's never covered that Clark and Chloe know Lana's a vampire so it comes out of nowhere.

Clark hears Chloe's sexy moans of pain and superspeeds over to see Lana back away in a classic Nosferatu pose. DON'T REMIND ME I COULD BE WATCHING BETTER MOVIES SMALLVILLE!

Chloe is now in the hospital and even a blood transfusion isn't working. Evidently she's in danger of turning into a vampire. Brainiac shows up out of nowhere and they hand-wave it by saying he's visiting a sick colleague. Seriously, Smallville, couldn't you have had him interested in the vampire phenomenon rather than just randomly slipping in?

 Clark tells Brainiac Chloe was attacked by a vampire and of course Brainiac is incredulous. After looking at the chart, Brainiac tells Clark that LuthorCorp can cure her... because... because. Goddamn this episode is stupid.

Lana is being chastised for not killing him and tells him that she has to kill Clark. It's too bad it's not Lois who was turned, because Lois Kicks the Shit Out of Clark Then Kills Him would be the best episode of Smallville ever.

Clark shows up at Lex's place to demand help and Lex tries to play dumb until he mentions Lana because Lex fell in love with blah blah soap opera shit. Lex explains what we already figured out by using brains, and I'm disappointed in Lionel Luthor for not developing a Van Helsing squad. Lex explains that he has a cure that has to puncture the heart. Great, after you cure them they can die of heart failure!

Lana crashes in to kill Clark with some hilariously bad wire effects.Clark can't do anything because the serum had kryptonite meteor rock in it and he's temporarily weakened. Lana gets superpowers from Clark's blood because of course she does and Clark fumbles with the syringe. Hey, genius. Let the cure be handled by the guy who it doesn't poison!

Oh, are they seriously playing Bela Lugosi's dead? God dammit.

Lana tries to talk the others into embracing him and hey look we have a new laughing bitches reaction image!

Evidently there are no boys allowed in the vampire club. Lana then gets possessive and right when we think there's going to be a cool fight, Lana just fries Buffy with her newly acquired fire boners. The other bitches run off while Lana goes off to embrace Clark. Clark is just wiggling around because he's not bright enough to let go of that supposed cure and let Lex fucking use it.

Clark finally gets the strength to stab her in the... collar bone... and that cures her. After a commercial break, we learn that Chloe's roommate who we saw for three seconds was freak out by the stuff she wasn't involved in and transferred to NYU because we all know how easy NYU is to get into.

Lana evidently doesn't remember anything thus losing any progress this show might have made but really I can't complain.

Clark tells Lex both of them are back to normal and Lex asks him how he knows about Luthorcorp's super secret vampire project, and Clark pretty much tells him it was professor Brainiac because Clark isn't going to defend someone he thinks is doing the right thing, nosiree.

Chloe sends the finished to story to Not-Perry White and as expected she throws it out as tabloid nonsense. But gives her the internship anyways. Wait, what? Why? What the hell?   Does no one on this show act sensibly?

"I have nowhere to go but up... up, and away."

A shitty end for a shitty episode.

Cons: Oh, where do I start? The idiotic premise, the stupid sci-fi-ing of vampires, especially since a previous episode already established magic exists, the stupid narration of Chloe, the ironic quips being even more than usual, the dull effects, and the fact that nothing in the show felt at stake because barely anyone did anything.

Pros: It ended.

God, that was painful. I need another drink.

MillerCross

Oh man, Thirst. I remember this shit.

One hour of Lana Lang worshipping that may as well have been called a kick in the dick

ClockworkUniverse

-reads-

ಠ_ಠ

captainbrass

I think I may have watched a couple of early episodes of Smallville at some point, but this is funny even if you don't know the programme well.

Malkavian

It's been awhile, true believers! Tonight we're dealing with the most festive of Holidays: LEXMAS!

...surely you've heard of it? Celebrated by Supervillains? The religion of crime is very against it being secularized.

We open with Lex stepping out of a sports car while a song about how you should be with the one you love. Subtle. Lex is instead meeting a guy in a back alley sewer. seriously, they're in the sewer. Lex reasonably asks why this meeting couldn't happen in the mansion. 

The guy is promising to help win Lex the state senate election as opposed to Johnathan Kent, and yes they A-plot of this season of Smallville does involve Lex and Clark's father attempting to wrest control of a seat giving them voting powers, because if there's one thing Lex needs to set his eye on, it's setting federal tariffs.

After refusing the offer to create lies around Johnathan Kent, Lex walks back to his sports car and is then being mugged. Lex complies, and the lady shoots him anyways. What. 

Lex wakes up not in a hospital but next to a self-righteous bitch Lana. A child jumps onto the bed, presumably Lex and Lana's and this is really nitpicking but selling the kid they cast the product of Rosenbaum and Kruek is a bit of a doozie.  We then get the reveal that this alternate Lana... HAS BEEN SMUGGLING BEACH BALLS UNDER HER SHIRT!

Tonight's Plot is going to be an It's A Wonderful Life ripoff homage.

Les goes into the bathroom and sees his thought-to-be-dead mother in the mirror. What the hell is she doing creeping on him in the bathroom? 

It needs to be said that the woman playing Lex's mom is particularly wooden, which makes Rosenbaum's effective near-tearing up at seeing his mother very jarring. 

Lex's mother says she's showing Lex the future he could have if he only makes the right choices.

Meanwhile in the real world, lex is bleeding out.

SOMEBODY SAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEE!

Am I bad for finding that transition hilarious?

In the real world, Martha is baking Christmas cookies because that's what folksy moms do and she's talking with Pa Kent how she doesn't approve of him running for senate. Just tell 'em about your General Lee proposal: A jump ramp on every river!

Lana is telling Clark how he's making this her bestest Christmas ever because it's not 'another plastic store-bought holiday' all the while the kitchen having a scene that looks like it's straight from a coke can.

Clark's ringtone is jingle bells are you serious.

Chloe tells Clark to meet him at the Planet because she has a serious problem. I'm totally sure it'll be an actual problem and not something HI-Lariously Christmas-related.

Meanwhile Lex is being rushed into the ER.

Back on Christmas Earth-2 Lex is taking out his son Alexander and... wait, WHERE THE FUCK'S THE SNOW? THIS IS SMALLVILLE KANSAS, NOT THE OC! IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S SIXTY DEGREES OUT THERE! WHAT THE FUCK, SHOW.

Lana explains through awkward exposition that Lex cut all ties with Lionel and is now living your charming picture frame middle class existence. Alexander whines at his dad to go and good god I want to strangle this kid so hard that Superboy feels it.

Lana gives Lex a really awkward kiss while Lex looks really bemused. Lex what takes like an 80s-era station wagon. I know they're middle class, but surely they can afford something that gets Sirius radio?

While shopping for a Christmas tree, Lex runs into Clark and Chloe (presumably dating) and is really happy to see them. Rosenbaum does a great job selling the scene, but it really doesn't fit for Lex Luthor and shows the problem with the show, since it had Clark call off the friendship due to Lex being curious rather than Lex calling it off due to his hatred and jealousy. 

"Uncle Clark! Uncle Clark! Make Me Fly!"

Kid, I am going to beat you so hard that the Luthor of Earth-2 will flinch.

Clark has become a reporter and Chloe is getting a book revealing the dark secrets of Luthorcorp getting published. I'm wondering if, since this is seven years into a possible future, which would make it after the series finale, if Clark is Superman yet. However, as that would actually be interesting it probably won't be covered.

Lionel comes in to check on his son. Glover's shock in this scene when he hears that Lex is going to be a paraplegic is great and in classic Lionel fashion he gets on the phone and calls an expert to show up NOW.

So it turns out that Chloe has a whole bunch of toys for underprivileged kids she cant get delivered due to a strike and she wants Clark to use his Superspeed to do it instead. Clark is very reluctant about the whole thing which is just another example of why I don't think this Clark is a very good Superman. "Help the less fortunate? But I was gonna play X-box!"

Man, I'd be lying if I didn't say Chloe wasn't absolutely adorable. She's totally sold on Clark being Superhero Santa and really likes that she's gonna be doing good. Dammit, Chloe would make a better superhero.

Clark gets upset when he sees all the gifts, but come on dude. You race the Flash. Not like this is going to take that long.

 Enter a montage of Clark delivering gifts. I honestly find it kind of sweet except for the initial whining. Clark then sees a guy in a Santa suit standing on a roof, swilling Whiskey.

Glorious. As he stumbles, Clark goes over to the roof, where he tries to talk the dude away.

"You're a little close to the edge."

"Makes it easier to jump."

"Yeah, I guess it does."

Clearly, this is the scene that inspired Grant Morrison's heartwarming one-page scene of saving a kid from suicide.

So it turns out that the guy in the Santa suit is suicidally depressed because PEOPLE ARE FORGETTING THEIR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! 

Back at the A-plot Lionel is moving Lex to Metropolis for better surgery and for some reason the doctor is against it because... he doesn't want Lex's life to be saved I guess?

In the dream Lex is back at their house in Southern California Smallville and with the fancy Christmas tree they got, Lex explains to Lana that it's because after his mother died, Lionel forbade Christmas FROM EVER BEING CELEBRATED! YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, MR. LUTHOR!

You know, as someone whose mother actually did die of an illness I don't think anybody has ever actually 'banned' christmas outside of poorly-written holiday specials to shmaltz up the season.

As canned as it is, Rosembaum totally sells it. The dude is seriously a great actor. It really is a shame he got saddled with this show.

Lana then explains that Luthor is here because he got shot and then decided to pursue what was REALLY IMPORTANT. 

And that's part one! Join in for the fetivities with part 2!

Malkavian

Clark is then explaining that he gave up Christmas Eve with Lana to deliver gifts which might sound like he's overinflating himself but he also mentions the telescope-stalking so yeah. This convinces Santa the spirit of Christmas isn't dead after all. Good work, Clark. Now you and Chloe must flee Smallville. Just make sure Chloe doesn't look back or she'll be turned in to a pillar of salt.

Then Santa slips and falls, but Clark catches him with his superspeed. Santa is shocked to say the least. He even lets loose a 'Ho Ho Ho-ly crap!'

Back in the dream world a party is going on at the Kents and even 'Senator' Pa Kent is being uncharacteristically nice to him. Lex's reaction to me highlights another problem I have with this show, since a recurring theme was Lex trying to reach out to Pa Kent as an alternate father figure and Kent always slapping him in the nuts for it. Evidently Lex is getting a humanitarian award for.... not being the son of Lionel anymore I guess. To further drive the point home, Pa Kent says he's as proud as if  Lex was his own son.

Lex's mother tells him that to make this real he has to make the right decisions and 'follow his heart, not his ambition.' Lex is confused which is weird since the decision is obviously 'stick it to Lionel'. 

"Lex, you have a wondeful life."

Wait, really? You just said that Clark.... 

I'm out of things to throw at the screen.

Clark explains that Lex became the kind of man Lana could love. Lex inquires if that means like Clark, which is weird since he doesn't seem to have turned whiny and passive aggressive.

Martha Kent then comes in declaring something is wrong with Lana.

Lana has just given birth with the power of scene transitions. Of course the baby has hair now for... some reason.

Lana then starts hyperventilating and clearly something is going wrong. It turns out Lana is dying and he can't get the needed doctor due to moolah. 

Lex heads back to the Luthor mansion to bow and scrape! Lionel is a perfect smarmy jackass here.

"She's the mother of your grandchildren!"

"How can I have grandchildren? I don't have a son."

Seriously, this is a great scene usually it's Lionel berating Lex while Lex is submissive and passive aggressive but this direct confrontation is perfectly done. Even the lighting is great. Lionel tells Lex to go take a flying leap over a tall building. Lionel also explains that his choices getting shot led him here.

Lex then goes to Lana's bedside to beg her not to die. Of course, after Lex gives a speech about how much he loves her she then dies. 

Lex's mother then shows up and says that's cool because he got seven years with her and he's a better person and Lex is understandably enraged that his choices are 'be an evil man' and 'watch everyone you love die'

Lex then wakes up from his dream. The moral being that we're all set in stone what we're supposed to be, and if you dare stray from destiny the most important people in your life will die horribly.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Back to the much more pleasant B-plot Chloe is working at the Planet while the dude in the Santa suit shows up. Santa then says he's going to help deliver the gifts. Chloe turns around to give him the address list and...

IT TURNS OUT HE REALLY WAS SANTA! GEE WILLICKERS!

Wait a minute... if he really was Santa why was he so surprised to see Clark had superpowers? I mean, he sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're using your telescope to watch the girl next door change. Why was he so surprised? 

Also, I just realized I now forever associate The Nutcracker Suite with Princess Tutu.

Lionel begins to speak with Lex, saying that it can wait what with the surgery and all. Lex then gets angry that Lionel took a risk to save Lex's life because... because I don't know.

Back at the Kents Chloe is telling Clark what happened and Clark isn't buying it. What is with everyone being so skeptical in a show with a superstrong alien and guys with radiation powers in it? 

Turns out it's snowing, and everyone's excited about it.... in Kansas. The writers of Smallville do realize snow is not rare there, right?

Lex then calls the guy from the beginning in, showing that he's going to continue being evil because he doesn't want Lana to die. Thus Endeth The Episode.

Pros: Rosembaum. I can't say enough good about the guy. He is seriously way too good for this show. The thing with the Santa talking with Clark was also cute, so much so that I wish that had been the A-plot.

Cons: The entire episode's premise is so bleak and unpleasant that I can't believe people decided to do this for a Christmas episode. While I have a good love for Anti-Christmas songs and christmas stuff like Blackadder's Christmas Carol, those are all done with good cheer about the issue, whereas this is earnest and just feels vicious, locking a character into a completely unpleasant situation and effectively forcing him into villainy. 

Malkavian

Welcome back, True believers, from my long hiatus! Tonight we'll be watching fan favorite episode Justice: It's the episode where the Justice League is formed.

Now, if you're like me (and if you aren't you should rectify this mistake immediately) the idea of a live action Justice League should have you excited. If you're also like me, you should know that Smallville will burn you on even having Booster Gold show up so I'm fully ready for Geoff Johns levels of disappointment.

We open at The Daily Planet where Chloe is urging Clark to come back to Kansas and it's never occurred to me until now but in Smallville, the biggest city in the world is located in Kansas. That opens all sorts of weird geography questions.

Meanwhile Chloe is confronting a doctor of the Belle Reve Prison for the prisoners transferred out the high-security wing all of which have superpowers. The dude pulls out a gun on her, but she's rescued... in a flash!

It's an obvious play on the fact that we're supposed to expect Clark to save her (though why anyone would expect Clark to do something in this show is beyond me) but it also highlights the redundancy of Chloe as a character. I mean you could put Lois in here instead without changing a single line.

Clark shows up and Chloe of course thinks it was Clark that saved her. When Clark says he didn't do it, he chases after the mysterious red blur in a pretty hilarious top-down shot that looks like something you'd expect in a Road Runner or Speedy Gonzales cartoon.

Flash is just taunting him until he finally dishoodies unmasks and Clark smiles to see his old butt buddy friend Bart again.

Seriously, the way Clark and Bart look at each other is just lustful. There's no way Tom Welling could make the face he does and not think 'Slash ficcers, start your engines!'

SOMEBODY SAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEE!

Clark is pretending not to know who the guy was and that he just got away... to protect Flash's secret identity I guess, but there's no reason for him to not go 'oh he's just an old friend.'

Clark awkwardly talks about how last season The Phantom Zone, also known as the worst prison in the history of ever, had a mass breakout and how Lex Luthor is experimenting on metahumans.

And Clark says he going to get in touch with LIONEL OF ALL PEOPLE?

OKAY NO. NO. GAME OVER. GAME FUCKING OVER. THERE IS NO WAY ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN IN THE SHOW THAT JUSTIFIES CLARK OPPOSING LEX AND PALLING AROUND WITH LIONEL OF ALL PEOPLE. NO. FUCK THIS SHOW. FUCK THIS SHOW SO FUCKING HARD.

And Bart shows up and starts putting the mack on Chloe and the way Clark is acting jealous is supposed to obviously be towards Chloe but again I can't get the slash fic out of my head. Also of note is that he superspeeds into the place with an audible 'whoosh!' but Chloe doesn't notice because she's only smart when the plot needs her to be.

Bart is using a lot of gratuitous spanish because he was just in Mexico and is saying Clark should come with him to try some of the burritos down there... oh god the images just won't stop! 

Clark is suspicious of why Bart is around because last time he was in Smallville he was an active burglar... our heroes ladies and gentlemen!

Bart insists he's a good guy now. Clark is super suspicious and there's just so much wrong with this scene. The entire scene honestly feels like Clark is brow-beating Bart rather than trying to get to the truth. From the previous scene it looked like they were friends so there's no reason for Clark not to trust Bart or be happy that he's reformed.

Clark decides Bart's a good guy after all and they go to get... 'a burrito'.

In the next scene, we're introduced to Green Arrow/Ollie which I believe is a first for our liveblog and right now he's dating Lois Lane because evidently if Smallville is to be believed Lois is the JL bicycle. (Remind me to add the first appearance of Aquaman to the list of episodes to do)

Ollie is using his riches to impress Lois and they're going at it until he's interrupted by a phone call. Something's come up and he has to go and Lois is displeased. I can practically hear Hartley giving himself a Stan Lee-esque eternal monologue about how for Oliver Queen to be happy, Green Arrow must die!

"Is it just me or is this relationship all interruptus and no coitus?"

Okay I thought that was kinda funny, even if it just puts on more slash fic fuel.

Green Arrow then offers to take a vacation together to make it up. 

In the next scene Lex is being confronted by his father Lionel. Lionel tells Lex that six Luthorcorp facilities have been blown up. Did I just step into a game of Werewolf: The Apocalypse? Lex then shows a picture of a blur and shoehorning in that the terrorist 'has the ability to move faster than a speeding bullet' and he'd be a good test case.

Meanwhile Bart Allen stealthily superspeeds in and his costume makes him look like a total douche bag.

There's a scene in Season 10 where Clark specifically says he wouldn't wear a hood because it would blow off during Superspeed, but Flash is doing just fine with his. This is the stupid thing about trying to make superheroes more realistic. It raises more questions than it answers.

 Flash hacks Luthor's laptop and tells someone over bluetooth that he has 'it'.

Flash comes to the rendezvous and GA batmans in. Seriously, it's pretty obvious GA is the way he is because they couldn't use Batman. It's treated like a big surprise that GA is the one Flash is collaborating with even though it's painfully obvious.

Lionel is looking over the superspeed picture when Clark comes in. Lionel shows Clark the image and Clark says it isn't him. When Lionel asks, Clark doesn't answer.

Back at the Kent residence, Bart is chowing down and Martha wonders where it all goes and Barry jokes about a fast metabolism. Clark comes in and gets angry at Bart for stealing and wants an explanation and Bart avoids the question and superspeeds out.

 whee, filler bullshit of Lois and Chloe about the vacation. Chloe jokes that 'green is definitely Ollie's color' ugh. and Clark barges in.

I also just realized how little sense it makes in this show for Lois to call Clark 'Smallville' when she's currently living in Smallville.

Clark says he doesn't like the dating with keeping secrets that Lois and Ollie are doing. He muses that secrets only hurt the people you care about. "Are we still talking about Oliver?" Chloe asks, which just brings in more slash bait.

Clark explains about Bart and then asks if Chloe can GPS his cellphone and Chloe of course can because she is a com-pu-tor nard. His phone's off though so she breaks into police records. I guess that whole 'keeping her journalism career' thing is an afterthought.

There's a lot of magic computer bullshit including a hammy reference to 'JL International' which then leads to Queen Industries, meaning GA is behind it. Clark goes to investigate.

We cut to Flash trying to break into another Luthor corporation only to pop into a trap and be knocked out. The trap is basically booby-trapping a computer to electrocute him. Not terrible, but not that great.

Clark confronts GA about Flash and GA explains he wants to stop the metahuman experimentation. Clark whines about not being invited and Ollie makes the quite accurate point that if it isn't staring him in the face Clark can't be arsed. Clark says they have to save Bart and Ollie says he's already got his team on it.

The team turns out to be basically Cyborg and Aquaman. I'm now wondering if the choice to make Cyborg a JL member was influenced by Smallville.

Meanwhile, Lex has Flash trapped in a prison that I'm sure Juan will glad to hear is the trap from one of the greatest Batman stories of all time: The Dark Knight Strikes Again.

"I want a lawyer."

"And I want a ponytail. Disappointment abounds."

For all the other flaws in this show, Lex is awesome.

Flash tries to be flippant but the actor who plays him is so goddamn unlikable and the dialogue for the character is so bad, Jesus.

And so Lex activates the death trap where if Flash stays still in his containment chamber he gets electrocuted.

And that's part one, mi amigos! 

Malkavian

Gah. The internet ate my part two.

I'll finish it tomorrow.

Blueeyedrat

Heh, one of my teachers mentioned he was an extra in an episode of this. I think we were discussing unions and wages and such at the time.

Alkthash

Yeah, well there's a reason there's no Smallville tabletop game. Just sayin'.

Well... actually...  I kinda feel like one of those guys in a Lovecraft story who gazes into space for too long right now btw. 

MillerCross

Meanwhile, Lex has Flash trapped in a prison that I'm sure Juan will glad to hear is the trap from one of the greatest Batman stories of all time: The Dark Knight Strikes Again.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ruff ruff ruff

Malkavian

Bout time you responded to my carefully tailored jokes that only you, Crake, and I get.

MillerCross

I never expected a dog bark to be a response, but I guess you're that desperate.