General writing discussion.

MadassAlex

Fuck yeah it was, squire.

Schitzo

Bumping to state that I will read Malky's prose in a bit as I head to school. Criticism soon.

All Nines

Would someone who's been through/is in college here be willing to look at my college essay and critique it? I'll PM it to whoever responds.

ClockworkUniverse

I'd be willing to any other time, but stress is happening right now, so...:/

MillerCross

Two questions: How long is it and how long is it?

All Nines

450-ish words; the limit is 500, so it's not too long at all.

Icalasari

Working on Umbreal from that Superhero idea I had before. Basically the guy who gave the hero his powers and acts as both a pro and antagonist depending on his mood and the situation

I can't think of any weaknesses for him

The tier part is just me lining him up on the Tier scale for Cryscon. Helps me visualize his power better. Tier 4 just means very strong, possible for a mortal to think of as a demigod. I figure a powerful demon would belong under this

So, any help with weaknesses? This is the profile I have of him so far:

Name: Umbreal
Species: Light Demon
Tier 4
Height: 8'7"
Weight: 372 Lbs

Description: Varies. His true form is a tall, slenderish demon with a long serrated tail. His arms and legs are humanesque in design, but long, thin, and gangly. The fingers have serrated backsides and the feet resemble that of a raptors. He has black skin with white tribal markings on it, cold blue eyes, and a pair of horns that resemble stag antlers (and are about the size of a large pair). He has no wings, using his powers to fly instead

His human form is a 6'3" slim caucasian male with blonde hair drawn back in a pony tail. He wears a business suit when like this. His eyes remain the same cold blue. His face is a little feminine in this form, making him a little ambiguous at first glance

Powers: Barrier creation by manipulating light (don't ask how light creates a solid barrier it just does). Think of a green lantern but with no need to recharge. Also can transmit images over a distance with this light manipulation

Personality: Fairly calm and polite, hard to irk. This can be attributed to him cutting loose on occasion and slaughtering anything he lays his eyes on. Can get angered if you harm those he sees as friends - which can vary from a typical fellow demon to something as unexpected as an extremely pious and holy priest

Likes: Strength of any kind. Raw physical strength, high intelligence, large amounts of bravery, strength of character... He's just as likely to approve of Mother Teresa as he is Ghengis Khan due to them showing different kinds of strength

Dislikes: Cowardice. Also rabbits for some unknown reason

All Nines

@Juan_Carlos: So, up for a look at my essay? You never said if you would or not.

MillerCross

I guess I'll give it a shot.

Schitzo

Not bad, Malkavian. Though the first half sounds too much like summary.

Waltzy

So Schitzo, if you ended up not wanting to read mine after all, that's okay.

Schitzo

-cries in shame-

Eventually, Waltzy. It'll get there.

Waltzy

Awwhh, I didn't mean to stress you out! Like I said it's okay. I was just like "oh hay feedback tomorrow? 8D"

> two weeks later

:'D

Schitzo

I read the first chapter.

I think it's alright. I like your descriptions of what the characters are feeling. Because of the all female cast so far, I'm getting confused by all the use of pronouns.

I hope I remember to read the second chapter when I have time.

Waltzy

Thank you~! And ahmagawd yeah the pronouns are hard. It's difficult to strike a balance between saying a name like fifty times or losing all the clarity. XD

ClockworkUniverse

Epic poets got around that to an extent through use of epithets, though I'm not sure that works in all writing.

Schitzo

Waltzy, I've read chapter 2

for some reason, the phrase That Goddamn Manslut makes me giggle.

I like the dialogue a lot. But so far, this is still just a tea and sob fic for me.

I'll read the third chapter in time.

chihuahua0

Hello, just dropping by. I'm considering checking out this site every once in awhile.

So, what's up?

Schitzo

I'm looking for someone to give some input on this piece I've written. I need elaboration on what works, what doesn't, and what they'd like to suggest or any ideas that come up as they read it.

Malkavian

So a dumb idea + inability to focus on one story + no pause to edit + frustration at life = X-men fanfic blurb or whatever they call short fanfics!

Input is requested!

*****

My name is Wolverine. And usually I'm the best at what I do.

Not today though. There's a Rangers-Maple Leafs game going on in The Meadowlands, so today is my day off.

My first idea, now being the headmaster of the Jean Grey Institute For Higher Learning (still ain't sure how that happened) was to make a field trip of it, see how many kids might want to come, but Kitty insisted.

"How often are you Wolverine, master samurai or Avenger or X-men or reserve member of The Philadephia Eagles or whatever?" she asked. "Just take a few friends or something."

"The Eagles wish they could score me as a quarterback." I said. "You sure about this? I mean the last thing I need is to leave to have the institute blow up on us."

"Logan, the institute was attacked by zombie frankenstein monsters the day you opened it." Kitty replied. "I think you being away for a day would actually do the school some good. It's not like I don't do most of the managing here anyways."

I snorted, my little way of telling her she was right. "I guess I could ask the Cajun if he's interested." I said. "An' Hisako could probably do with some time out. That whole Utopia thing's still got her kind of shaken."

"Hisako's your newest one, right?" Kitty asked, not even being nice enough to hid the smile. "of your ever growing group of teenage sidekicks."

"Yep. Startin' with you." I answered.

"Oh those halcyon days." Kitty said with a smirk. Now she was just deciding to torture me until I finally decided to go. "It's kind of crazy. Back then, I kind of wished they would last forever, even when we were being kidnapped by aliens and stuff. Now, though... well, now I feel like that we're right where we belong."

I snorted again. "I guess so. Always figured it'd be Summers here being the new Xavier... not the man with nine-inch-claws who killed more people than he's met."

"You forgot the part about being an alcoholic." 

Scott really did belong here and I dunno why it pissed me off so much that he wasn't. I mean, I've always hated the pretty boy. He always decided to tell me how much better he was than me even from the beginning and as soon as Jean died, then bam he's with Emma. Which state of grief was that? Denial?

At the same time, I knew he was alright. It's why I had Summers' back. He would always do the right thing when shit came down to it. Or at least I thought he would. Now he had his 'whole' Utopia and his own war on humanity. Cyke was the new Magneto and I might have to be the one to stop him.

"I'm gonna get myself a beer then I'll ask the Cajun and Hisako."

****

"So 'dis is basically soccer on ice 'den?"

"No, Cajun." I growled. "It's not basically soccer on ice. It's the best sport ever created so shit your French ass down and shut up. They're playing the Canadian national anthem."

"Nothing like licensed bloodshed to bring out his patriotic side." Hisako commented. 

"I keep forgettin' why I bring you along for these things." 

"You need my sunny disposition and maturity as a counterpoint."

Just as the national anthem was about to start a gunshot fired.

Oh God not today.

Out stepped twenty men in masks along with a logo the three of us knew right away.

"We are representatives of the Church of Humanity!" one man yelled, his Israeli gun waved into the air. "Everyone here is a hostage until the mutant known as Logan and his brood disband their so-called school "

The Church of humanity. They'd attacked us numerous times, tried to brainwash Chuck against us, and now I couldn't even watch a good game of hockey without their shit.

I barely heard my claws go 'snikt' before I charged down the aisles and bellowed 

"IS NOTHING SACRED TO YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?"

The good thing about being one of the most well-known mutants in the world is that everyone forgets the hostages. Bullet flew towards like rain while the civvies all ducked and hid. The Cajun didn't take long to react using his cards to knock guns out of as many of those bastards as possible and Hisako started following me as she armored up.

The claws of my right hand sliced through one of the idiots' uzis while the other went through the wrist of one trying to sneak up on me. Hard to be stealthy on solid ice. Even harder to keep your cool and stop the bleeding of a severed limb on it.

Bullets bounced off of Hisako's Armor as she took out three of the terrorists with one punch. Another two began firing wildly at her, seeming to be unable to think rationally about the fact that they were bouncing off of her. Her armor's face morphed into the face of a monster. "I AM AN AGENT OF SATAN! THIS IS WHAT YOUR LACK OF FAITH HAS WROUGHT!" and a number of fanatics just dropped their guns ran off

 I'd never tell the girl, but she's a natural x-man. 

The cajun was in the fray as well, his bo staff (I know it's retractable but I still don't wanna know how he got it past security) Most of the guys he was taking on already were disarmed of their guns and they thought they could take him on with their fists alone. 

Dumbasses.

It wasn't long before only one of the was left and he was being held up by one arm as I used the other to point my shiny claws at him.

"You listen to me." I snarled. "I'm the best at what I do. What I do... IS WATCH HOCKEY GAMES ON MY DAY OFF! UNINTERRUPTED! IT'S MY LEGAL RIGHT AS A CANADIAN!" 

At another time I would have sliced his head off in cold blood, but as the leader of the new generation of mutants I needed to set an example, and so a good fist to the head would have to suffice.

As I stormed up back to my seat, some of the players came up. Maybe to thank me, maybe to spit on me for causing this. I don't give a fuck. I only had one thing to say to them.

"As soon as the cops drag these jackasses out, you better drop the fucking puck."

then I remembered.

"and don't forget O Canada!"

Schitzo

Oh. Fuck. Yeah.

The "His Bo Staff" sentence is incomplete.

Not a bad fan fic. Though wow, I am so out of loop with the X-Men mythos.

MillerCross

It's the best sport ever created so shit your French ass down and shut up.

not sure if horrible pun or best typo

Icalasari

There are a few typos sprinkled throughout it, but that was awesome to read

And Cyclops is the new Magneto? And Wolverine leads the institute?

...What?

Malkavian

The typos are mostly due to the aforementioned lack of editing and being a little drunk.

But yeah. Basically, Cyclops has gotten more and more paranoid about keeping mutants from going extinct to the point where he keeps making rather morally dubious choices and the final straw for Wolverine and a bunch of others was using children to fight during a sentinel attack on the mutant retreat island of Utopia. 

It makes sense when you read it, trust me.

Icalasari

...Then it will never make sense. There is no comic book store here

Malkavian

That's where the internet comes in.

Also hopefully more emphasis on digital distribution in the future.

mst3kluv

Hello, all.

I would like to share a chapter I wrote.

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2980075/1/Fallen_Angel

Schitzo

Just read it. I had to admit, at first, I thought this was going to start off corny and super inspirational (most stories starring invalid folkel usually do). Both the Undertaker stuff and the "I've come to bring hope" line turned that impression around.

I liked how metaphorical Matthew's steel legs were. Especially the line "I never had legs to begin with."

Even if Luce was a haughty bastard in the beginning of the story, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the brat. Though I'd say Judith's attitude was justified.

Good story, MST3Kluv

Schitzo

Gonna pimp my writing again. Someone care to read, please?

This too, though it's barely starting out.

Malkavian

So I just noticed Schitzo's writing and I promise I'll provide some critique in a day or two but for now I'm just gonna throw an idea I had for characters that might be too stereotypical.

The first is a mage who uses his powers for stealth and infiltration jobs. He's mostly morally capricious but his big things is slaves. The thing that makes me hesitate is the last bit was the newest Conan movie which uses slavery as his big moral point.

The other is the elven maiden he meets. In this story elves are very much not human, akin to vampires in a way with more a playfully violent than predatory aspect to them. A part of the conflict would be in their romance and moral conflict with the elven woman not understanding why certain killing was okay and others were not. In this world elves are incredibly rare and wanted dead upon sight causing her to hide herself in most cities.

Does it sound too pithy?