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Comments
Okay, so I promised to contribute to this bitchfest.
I don't mind the premise of Deadliest Warrior. In fact, I like it. As a student of historical European martial arts and a shameless historyfag, it's precisely the kind of concept that appeals to me. What might be the result of a Viking huscarl taking on a Spartan warrior? How would a Crusader knight fare against a Persian Immortal? This is cool stuff, and we have enough knowledge about strategy, tactics, equipment and (in some cases) martial arts to make a partially objective commentary on the matter.
The execution, however, leaves much to be desired.
MATCH-UPS
It would generally make sense to match warriors that performed similar functions or were of similar amounts of training. So what the fuck was with episodes like "Celtic Warrior vs. Persian Immortal"? "Celtic warrior" could describe Gauls axe-throwers, Scottish claymores, Irish sword-and-shield infantry or Welsh pikes or any other weapon combination and point of origin. For fuck's sake, many Celtic warriors were knights of Scotland, Ireland and Wales -- so why did we have a generalised, inaccurate "barbarian" variant go up against a more specific kind of warrior? That's just silly.
SCIENTIFIC METHOD
The show doesn't follow it. They should be testing each set of weapons against the same targets. Why change between gel torsos, mannequins and pig carcasses? Not only should each match-up be tested against the same targets, but the whole show should have standardised targets for particular kinds of weapon (be they close combat, ballistic or have special properties). Furthermore, we have no idea why we should trust the Slytherin Studios (christ that name kill me) combat simulator. We don't actually know what data goes into it.
Also, they often fail to test weapons against armour. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Often the "experts" have to remind them to do it. Which brings me to my next point.
WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE GUYS
Okay, so the hosts are just dudes with a little bit of general knowledge and a taste for ham. Fair enough. But where do they get these so-called experts? Few of them seem to have any capacity to actually fight with the weapons they claim to know. Let me call upon my favourite example of poor expertise: Pirate vs. Knight. Now, I'm not particularly knowledgable about pirates in general, but I am a fuckton learned about knights for a dude without a history degree, and these are the errors I spotted in that episode alone:
- They refer to their poleaxe as a "halberd". Fuck you guys, the halberd is a long formation polearm favoured by the Swiss. The poleaxe is a shorter, more versatile polearm that is equally suited to single combat and formation fighting. There's a pretty singificant difference in how they were used and deployed, so mixing them up is unforgivable. An actual expert should be able to tell the difference.
- Their plate-armoured knight uses a shield. One of the awesome things about plate armour is that it provided enough defense to make shields obsolete, thereby allowing knights to use superior two-handed weapons without giving up any defensive ground.
- What kind of expert calls an arming sword a "broadsword"? And what kind of expert claims that it's a "heavy weapon"? This is wrong on levels that defy mortal understanding -- all swords are light precision weapons for their size categories. Even a zweihander is featherweight for a such a massive weapon near six feet long, plus it has a kind of hilt and balance that takes further strain off the user.
- In the simulation video, the knight draws first blood by hitting the pirate with a flail charge from atop a horse. The pirate gets up. Fuck that. No-one gets up from that. Not even Batman.
COOL IT, SERIOUSLY
Why are so many of the experts so fucking hostile? Cool your jets. You don't make a good example for your discipline/ethnicity/nationality/whatever when you act like a dick. If you're gonna make a point of it, you may as well just start laying into one-another with weapons, because at least then we'd get a irrefutably practical demonstration of their qualities.
THE GUYS WHO RUN THIS SHIT ARE COWARDS
Still no knight vs. samurai episode.
WHERE ARE THE MARTIAL ARTS?
And why don't the experts ever seem to know them? The knight has appeared as a combatant on multiple episodes, yet the likes of Liechtenauer and Fiore haven't been mentioned once. I don't think there was even a reference to kenjutsu made on the samurai vs. Viking episode. This is crap, guys. If you're not going to take into account the most important aspect of any historical fighter, then you may as well wrap shit up right now.
Essentially, I love the concept but the show does everything wrong, from the outset to each warrior's roar of victory when they win. Lemme tell ya something. When you kill a dude, you do not scream to the heavens. You wipe the sweat and blood off your brow, spend the money you earned on feeding your kids, have a round of mead with your buds and then fuck your wife with renewed appreciation for her and her loins. Battle is hell, which is why weapons, armour and martial arts were designed in such a way as to be as merciful as possible to their users and brutal to their victims. The show seldom ever reflects that.
It's basically the definition of Hollywood History passing as edutainment.
Alex stops for a moment, breathing heavily, and wipes some sweat off his brow. He relaxes, growing a full two inches in height as his shoulders and torso free themselves of the strain.
Woo.
That felt good.
christ alex
what
Anger and rage.
They taste delicious.
FUCK YES! YOU ARE THE BEST BOSS FIGHT EVER!!
What exactly is "deadliest" defined as anyway? Most likely to cause death when engaged in 1-on-1 combat? Most able to cause death given a fair chance? Likely to cause the greatest number of deaths if allowed to run loose in a psychotic state in a major city?
BTW, Malk, Green Lantern Corps. That is all.
depends on whether lightsabers can cut through ring constructs. I'm thinking no.
I think it's pretty clear that both would resist one-another. The difference is that a lightsaber has a cutting edge, being inherently offensive. This nature, combined with binding techniques, probably gives it an offensive advantage. Especially with the support of the Force.
no no i am not doing this shutup juan
but rings can basically create a bubble around the ejdi in question and suffocate him.
no what am i doing, i must stop
In that case, we need to determine whether the Force can emit enough kinetic energy to burst that bubble. Or simply interrupt the ring power. If it can, this is a pretty single-sided match.
shit's on i guess dammit
oh yeah, the force's a thing. I'm guessing it can be use from within a force field to affect things outside of it.
otoh, i'm pretty sure a green lantern can easily get over being pushed by telekinesis. and we're not talking siths here, so they can't exactly choke him and murder him.
I think, one on one, a Jedi would win. if it was Corps vs Order, then the Corps would win.
Edit: And I just remembered that they had an episode on Vampires vs Zombies
They also wont do a Pirates vs Ninja episode either
^^ Oh, Goddammit. Of course they did. -_-
And of course they puss out of the fights that people really want to see, like the aforementioned Knights vs. Samurai and Pirates vs. Ninja. If they're going to make such a joke of a TV show, they may as well go full troll.
...Still annoyed that they skipped the obvious Vampires vs Werewolves
Well, it's impressive that IJBM can keep a discussion on Nietschze going this long...
Oh, sorry, my mistake, it's a TV show/swords derail.
>In the simulation video, the knight draws first blood by hitting the pirate with a flail charge from atop a horse. The pirate gets up. Fuck that. No-one gets up from that. Not even Batman.
What bugs me about this is that it misses the point of the primary strategy of strength of pirates was the zerg rush. They overwhelmed by numbers.
I think the last bit you wrote is actually especially true. The show ties into a lot of the chest-beating mentality bullshit a lot of fucktards apply to, talking about how back in the days of the black plague things were better because you were judged by how well you murdered.
Ica - Not really, since that would imply I actually know something about Nietschze that needs communicating. I probably know more about swords (and that's not much).
On-off-topic, this programme sounds typical of the way that TV screws up anything involving history by the desperate need to make it sexy and exciting, leading them to ignore the realities.
^
Sexiest Warrior.
Nazis vs. Pirates.
*About half the episode is focusing on how well each respective side could fuck a pig carcass or gel torso.*
*Virtual Orgy simulation at the end.*