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And it was looking quite good Ian. It started out tame, got a little weird, took a random turn, then got crazy. Now Vorpy just has to finish us off.
Am I going to have to choke a bitch?
Oh why would you? You have a pool of money to bathe in after all
Every year it's the same thing. My idiotic brother debates which
fireworks to use, always going with the ones that will blow more of his
hand off, and my girlfriend slaves away in the kitchen, baking those
horrible star shaped cookies. I swear she makes them with fucking bleach
or something. These kids of mine, Julie and Taylor, pile on to me while
I'm trying to watch the one good thing on TV during the holidays,
asking for another freakin' story.
"Fine, kids. I'll tell you about a little story about when I was a kid, a time full of magic and wonder."
"Is this a sad story, Daddy?"
"No, you stupid child. This is a very happy story."
And so, I told them the story of the most horrible experience of my
life, and how it made me the man I am today. This story is not for the
faint of heart, which is why I'm telling it to two second graders.
Malvakian
It was the summer 1996 in Seattle. Even two years later the absence of
Kurt Cobain resonated with all of us as though he might as well have
blown his brains out right on stage. In his place we had this Bill
Clinton guy with his saxophone and his Southern charm, in a way an
ironic mirror of what would come later. As Heart Shaped Box played on
the jukebox and I nursed my Gin and Tonic, I noticed a the girl who
decided to sit two bar stools away from me. There stood a woman who I
could not describe as beautiful, hideous, gorgeous, repulsive, or in
between. All I could describe this woman as was the personification of
the Zeitgeist. This woman was the nineties.
Forzare
Though there was nothing special about this completely ordinary woman, I
found myself strangely drawn to her. As I approached her, nervous, but
with an almost unnatural lack of inhibition (thanks to the alcohol),
images flashed through my mind, almost as if they were a psychic
premonition; scenes of the two of us getting married, of having
children, of growing old together, and of doing it like bunnies.
Not necessarily in that order.
As I drew near, she smiled at me, sexy and alluring. But there was
something off about that smile, and I began to suspect something.,, but
it was only when she seemed to sprout great black bat wings that I
realized that I'd forgotten to take my medication that morning.
Counterclock
I knew of the possible consequences of continuing with that night, but
not even I would be fully aware of the repercussions that ensued. All
that was on my mind was that woman's smile, still luring me closer and
closer to her. Reality was blending into madness as I continued toward
that smile, like a beacon in the night.
It wasn't until I was close up to her that I forgot all about the primal fears that spawned from the setting at hand.
DarkDecapodian
'So, come here often?' the smile said, lips drawn in a knowing smirk.
And didn't her teeth, in that moment, look just a little too sharp?
'Sure do. I'd say by now that Jackie knows my order better than he does
his own.' I replied, indicating the balding, sallow tender at the far
end of the bar. My hands felt clammy to the touch, but this was the most
excitement I'd felt in a long time.
'You certainly seem at home here.' The woman replied. She leaned in
closer, her smirk deepening. 'I wonder if you can guess what mine is?'
'Hell of a way to introduce yourself' I said. chuckling weakly. A light
in the furthest corner of the bar flickered momentarily. 'Okay, what is
it?'.
'Oh no, you have to guess it.' The woman replied. 'I'll make it worth
your while. If you answer correctly I'll...' here she paused, her face
forming into a self-knowing parody of desire. '...I'll buy your next
round'.
'Long odds, but I'll have a go.' I said. Sitting back, I studied my new
acquaintance. Her clothes, her haircut, even her purse belonged entirely
to the here and now. Nothing that truly belonged to the fashion
magazines, the latest music scene or whatever stupid sitcom was
currently fizzling on TV, but undeniably Zeitgeist.
(and oh god her figure)
Within my vision, yet beyond it, the flickering light blew. Jackie
grizzled to himself and went into the back room to get a replacement.
'A Long Island Iced Tea.' I said.
She shook her head and laughed.
'Zima? Bacardi? Corona?'
'Wrong on all counts.' She laughed. 'You're paying your own way tonight, friend.'
I slumped over my drink in mock disappointment. The next light along
started to flicker. For a moment, I was convinced I saw a large, black
spider crawl along the bar, but it vanished when the light turned back
on properly. This place was really going to shit.
'What is it then?' I asked.
Everest
'What, you can't see the glass in front of me? Come on.' This time she
laughed a little too loudly, turning a couple heads. Even Jackie
couldn't help himself when he came back with a replacement bulb. 'It's a
screwdriver.' I looked at the part of the table that was in front of
her. There was a yellow-orange drink there, mostly untouched. Imagine
that.
'Hmm,' she said. 'I take it you also haven't noticed the spider on your shoulder?'
I turned my head to the right. Nothing there. But when I tapped my left
shoulder, I felt something in my hair. I slapped the back of my head a
little too hard, to kill it. I fell forward and she only just caught me
before I took her down with me.
'Fuck. My head.' The chorus of laughs in the bar wasn't helping, either.
At least I got a peek down her shirt. She seemed to notice, but she
also didn't seem to mind.
'Well,' she said. 'If you're this quirky after a glass or two, I hope you'll toss back a few more.'
'Ugh,' I said. 'I've had more than two glasses, I think. Cut me some
slack.' I looked at the crushed spider on my right hand and shook it
off, onto the floor. Well, most of it. I wiped the last of its guts off
with my handkerchief as best I could. Once I was done wiping, I couldn't
even tell there had been a mess at all.
'Here, let me help you with that,' she said. Fuck, I thought. When did I
knock back so many drinks? She grabbed my handkerchief and rubbed my
hand pretty hard. I got a friction burn, but my hand did look much
cleaner, if redder, I'll give her that.
'We've known each other for three minutes and you've already given me a
whole night's worth of entertainment,' she said. I felt her mocking me
with her tone of voice, just a little, but I let it slide. 'Could I get
your name?' As she said that, another light blew out.
IanExMachina
Before I had chance to reply, it all went dark.
With the darkness came silence.
I tried to move but felt nothing, I tried to cry out but the silence was all pervading.
I have no idea how long I sat in darkness.
It was a relief when light slowly started to return, along with faint feeling in my limbs.
I reached up to rub my eyes and felt a sudden pain in my forehead and my
vision fail, causing me to fall off my barstool with a loud cry of
'FUCK'.
When the pain has dissipated I carefully raised my hands to my face.
I spent the next chunk of time torn between retching and crying.
The ends of my arms no longer were familiar to me, instead of my worn
hands were grotesque stumps with sharpened fragments of bones sticking
out the malformed flesh.
When I'd regained what little composure I could I realized the bar was silent, apart from my pitiful whimpers.
nohaynicklibre
I wandered for a bit,trying to make up the fuzzy memories in my head.
All the drinks,the flirting;clumsy in my part,playful in hers,the people
in the bar;who now were all vanished,that spider whose remains were now
nowhere to be found,everything.
At first,I thought it was all product of my drunkenness,and that I was
in one of those situations you often see in movies where a loser stays
drinking in a bar until morning and the bartender has to kick him out
while he vomits in his shoes.
Unfortunately, I checked my watch. It was 1:45, that is, barely 5 minutes after I started talking to her.
That girl! Where was she? I didn't give a shit about the rest of the
people in the bar,not even Jackie (to be honest, I felt a bit relieved I
didn't have to pay the drinks)
I grabbed the shotgun that laid under the bar,next to the fridge,just in case.
Walking to the door,staggering my way to it,I was wondering what the
hell I was going to do to find her. I had to ask her so many questions
that I didn't even know at that moment.
And I still had to tell her my name.
The_Edge
Stumbling down the alleyway between Jackie's and the income tax place
next door, I made my way to the street. Darkness seemed to glare around
me. The coldness of the shotgun in my hands faded as numbness took my
hands. Each step was like walking with a hundred dollars in pennies in
each sock and I wasn't even wearing socks. I labored onto the sidewalk.
Not a soul was around. Not even a whore. I went for my car accross the
street. I was in no shape for driving, but I didn't know think that at
the time. I took out my keys and fumbled with them and the shotgun as I
unlocked my car. I tossed the gun in the passenger side and fell into
the driver's side. I slamed the door and put the keys in the ignition.
Before I could start the car, I felt a presence in the back seat. I
turned find a spider behind me. I grabbed for the shotgun before I
noticed sitting to the spider's left was a woman in a black spider
webbed veil.
Waltzy
"Who are you?" I blurted, completely on edge by this point. She looked
similar to someone I might have seen very recently but the veil had me
baffled.
She ignored me and lit a cigarette, and let the spider nibble the ash
off the end before putting it to her lips and taking a long drag,
breathing out furls of warm smoke into the small car.
"Whoever you are, I don't like bugs in my car-" Her hand shot out and
grabbed me by the front of my collar, and with a wicked fast motion she
dragged me into the back and pinned me to the seats. She smiled and
something about her teeth tugged my memory. My heart was racing as she
leaned closer, her bright red lips smelling of lipstick and maybe
something else. The spider crawled up her shoulder and perched there,
most of its beady eyes fixed on me.
"My little pet is not a -bug-." She spat venomously, before lovingly
reaching to stroke the abdomen of the spider with her middle and ring
fingers. "And now you're going to guess -his- favorite drink."
"I-I uh-" I stammered lamely, terror having pierced my heart.
"Here. You may have a hint." The spider crept down her arm and across my
chest, the hairs on its thick legs grazing my throat. I thought I was
done for.
Suddenly, it stopped. The veiled woman looked as confused as I was, before a charming sneer curled her bright red lips.
"Oh my. That's embarrassing. When not even my pet thinks you're worth
eating." A shrill, cruel laugh filled my ears as I watched the spider
return quickly to its perch atop her shoulder.
Schitzo
I couldn't help but feel somewhat embarrassed. Were I not in a drunken
haze, I could have mustered up the strength to maybe shove her weight
off of my hips and into the front seats. The best I could do is fondle
her by accident. My hands, if you can call them such anymore, now
resembled that of a crane game's claw, but with my grip being far more
limpwristed. Though her veil obscured her eyes, her knowing smirk
continued through the awkward silence.
"So," I ask "What now?"
Her only reply is an escalating chuckle. She points her finger straight
at my face as her chuckle turns into a wheezing cackle. She runs this
finger down my nose, lips and chin, and heads further down my chest.
dmboogie
I loose all feeling in my limbs. I try to lift my arm, move my leg, even move a finger.
Nothing. Only my eyes can still move. "Why, I am going to take you home,
of course!" The spider-woman cackles as the world fades away. "Isn't
that what you're supposed to do with men you meet in bars?"
When I come to, I am in a dark cellar. I still can't feel my body. Even
my drunken mind thinks that this is strange. Shouldn't whatever was
keeping me still have worn off by now? I look down.
I have no body.
Bob
I try to scream, to cry out, to say something, but no sound escapes my
lips. I try moving my mouth just to reassure myself that I still have
lips, the results making me think the worse. I no longer feel like
myself, feeling instead like a character in a glitchy video game, frozen
as if my entire world is paused. I blink, and when I open my eyes I see
a pair of vaguely familiar bright-red floating disembodied lips a few
feet from my face. They begin to speak in a language I've never heard
before, the voice sounding like a cross between Zalgo, Cthulhu, Satan
and Madonna. The only words I am able to make out are "mine" and "melt".
I try in vain to gulp, fearing the worst.
There was a unsettling mixture of peace and horror as the lips unlock
and her soft pink tongue wiggles out, poking against my face as the
feeling of the sticky saliva begins to allow the feeling of skin and
bones resonate through my body. It's her at least. Everything remains
black but it lightens up just enough for me to see shapes, strange
dimensionless shapes, only vaguely feminine above me. I can feel my
eyes, but nothing else. I try to force my arms to move but nothing that
feels like an arm responds to my movements.
Distorted guttural noises echo all around me, deforming the fabric of
the darkness around me into shades of ruddy gray and a color with no
name that I cannot for the life of me describe. There was a sickening
rhythm to it all. Then I began to feel the tips of my toes begin to
burn, and then the bones in my legs. My entire skeleton was being
roasted from what it felt like, and then I began to have the feeling of a
body return to me.
The sickness in my head and in my incorporeal guts began to return. My
haze remained there and I had little to no idea what the hell was going
on around me, but then the distortion and the guttural echos began to
sound more human, more female, and then the sickening thoughts and
contractions began to emerge as I felt my waist sink down against the
concrete, or what felt like concrete. The depraved breathing she was
emitting was getting louder, and my skin began to chafe and rip against
whatever stone surface I was laying upon.
My fingernails felt cold as death, and I felt my blood sluggishly coarse
through my body as it sarcastically informed me I was in the middle of a
sexual act through sending dizzying pain throughout my body. I looked
around and I could see the blue of the 4:00 am sky, and what appeared to
be that woman, happily bouncing atop me with her veil cloaking her sex
face from me as I could feel the cold breathing spark my chest.
Then I heard frogs. Frogs everywhere. At first there was one ribbit.
Then there was droves, hundreds of shrill ribbits surrounding me as the
pressure on my groin suddenly stopped, and I felt the woman atop of me
begin to panic a bit. She quickly got up from me and the darkness
suddenly vanished, and I could see clearly again. There was a garbage
bag over my head the entire time, and the stink of my breath was getting
me sick.
She picked me up by my collar and drug me behind her like a very large
suitcase, my hands dragging through wood shavings and my fingernails
sliding painfully across the concrete as the frogs got louder. I looked
around and didn't see them anywhere. "Where the hell are we going?" I
spoke up, trying to figure out what just happened in the last couple
moments since I "woke up". She didn't answer me but continued to
frantically drag me backward.
And then the frogs came. They were very vigorous, pouring out of the
broken concrete like water and storming angrily at us, vicious gray
colored frogs with hats. Tiny little gatsbys sat atop their head as they
began spewing the ribbits out more angrily than before.
The woman then tossed me into a black car and closed the door, climbing
over the seat I was laying awkwardly in and getting in the driver's
seat, turning on the car and then hitting the gas so hard I heard the
muffler explode for a few seconds befor we zipped off from the field we
were in. It was like a giant parking lot, covered in pipes that looked
vaguely like worms, giant black domes could be seen in the distance, and
giant stone spheres floating in the air that were tied down with
chains.
"Would it be too much to ask you what is going on here?" looking at her,
now puffing on a cigarette as she angrily drove around on the concrete,
the tsunami of frogs getting larger and larger, but further away from
us. "I was planning on trying to have sex with you while you were drunk,
but then you woke up so I am bringing you back to the bar." I looked at
her confused. "....what is with the frogs wearing hats, and the
surreal scenery going on right now?"
She scoffed and look at me, now having a pipe in her mouth. "You are
more worried about that than having a complete stranger extort sex out
of you?"
We began to hit some bumps along the way and drive down a hill, to
something that looked vaguely like a sewage drain. She hit the gas, and
we drove around 88 miles down this hole and fell into the darkness.
When I woke up, I was in a house, laying in a bed once again. I looked
around and saw her, again. This time though, she looked a little less
grim, less burlesque. More civilized, running her finger across my chest
being covered only in silky ebony sheets. "You left the gift of life in
side of me, you know..." she coyly said. The only thing I could
possibly muster up to say thanks to all of these developments was...
"You don't have a name, do you?" I spoke.
She giggled a bit, those seductive eyes locking onto mine as she took a
small breath. "Are you hungry? I could make some cookies for you if you
don't mind" she said. I stood up and got out of the bed, completely
naked. I walked around and went to the window, opening it up. There
wasn't anything outside of that window except a grass yard. There was a
large fence, but from what it looked like, there was nothing interesting
beyond it. Just empty gray nothingness. I didn't have the urge to look
beyond anything other than that anymore. I ceased being confused long
ago, and simply went "what the hell. Might as well." Just going along
with whatever this was. Regardless if it's fake or not, what could I do?
I just sat down on the bed, and she slithered over and sat on my lap,
calmly mentioning "We are going to have a family now. You, me, and my
little pet."
Julie and Taylor just sat there, in awe of the story I just told them.
They had the most precious looks on their faces, that resonated the
horror and confusion I felt when I went through the hell that it took to
even make them. They looked at me, with their 8 beady eyes as they
refused to say anything more, and I laughed heartily as I picked them
up, and put them back in the terrarium.
"Now now, I gave you your story, now go to bed. I want to watch my
show." They scurried about in the 8 foot glass box I made for them, and
they nested in the straw, quickly going to sleep.
"Stupid bugs." I muttered to myself, pulling back the recliner as I
munched on this disgusting starfish cookie, turning the pictures of my
girlfriend and her little pet backwards as I flicked through the
channels.