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-UE
A Story of My Uncle Jack...
2012-01-08 19:25:03
edited 2012-01-08 19:25:03 in General
I clench my fists and yell "anime" towards an uncaring, absent God, and swear solemnly to press my thumbs into Chocolate America's eyeballs until he is blinded, to directly emasculate sporting figures, to beat the shit out of tumblr users with baseball bats, and to quietly appreciate what Waylon Smithers being gay means to me.
So for the longest time, my favorite uncle was my uncle Jack. He would take me everywhere, from the movies to the arcade to the minigolf place to the city to baseball and football and soccer and tennis and hockey games. He took me to see monuments and restaurants and stores in too many towns and cities to count. He would let me stay up past my bedtime and watch lots of TV and eat too much ice cream before dinner. You know, general, stereotypical uncle stuff. I loved him more than I loved anyone else; heck, I loved him more than I loved myself! But one day all of that changed.
He was going to take me to the zoo. I loved the zoo! It was probably my favorite place as a little kid. I would love pointing out the names of all the animals I had learned in school and the families they belonged to, trying to see which were related. The Reptile House and Undersea Land were my favorite parts, because I loved the odd shapes but seeming familiarity of things like octopi, fish, snakes, turtles, even the tuatara. You know it's a real zoo when they've got a motherfucking tuatara. But today was different.
Today we were going to see the new elephants.
You see, I went to a smallish zoo that was surprisingly diverse in its animal collection, but what it was lacking was mainly in the large animal department. There were giraffes, zebras, and water buffaloes in the African Savannah area, but not many other very large animals. But one day my uncle Jack informed me that they were shipping three elephants to the zoo! THREE ELEPHANTS! Elephants were probably my favorite mammal at that point; I had the free Zoobook that explained how their trunks worked and everything. I was the elephant expert of the household, letting everyone at the dinner table know the distinctions between the African and Asian varieties and how you could tell by the shape of their ears and whatnot. So when my uncle Jack told me he would take me to see them, I was pumped as all hell!
We got there and saw that the zoo was actually giving out free elephant rides on the baby elephant! That surprised me, since they weren't fully trained, but whatever. I was so happy, but seeing the massive elephants in person I became nervous and frightful. I mean holy Jesus they were huge! So, knowing my love for these creatures, my uncle Jack decided to calm my nerves by riding the elephant before me. With the help of the staff, he got on the elephant. But then something went wrong.
I think what happened was that the baby elephant began to become frightened itself, and ran around the enclosure. It was horrifying to witness, my uncle hanging on for dear life. The zoo staff, both of whom looked young and new to the job, were paralyzed with fear. I was the only one still moving, albeit a little. My uncle Jack called for me to help him, but I was overwhelmed and ran off. My uncle Jack ended up breaking both his legs, and now he sits in a wheelchair. He never really took me to places like that ever again.
And so, even though I'm okay he wasn't killed, I will always regret that day. I will always regret the fact that I didn't help my uncle Jack off the elephant.
Comments
:V quack
:l
Please continue.
Goooooood....
Your uncle Jack is a real person who is paralyzed?
Well, I can see a couple of flaws here:-
1. What crazy kind of zoo, in our litigation-conscious times, lets anyone ride on any kind of elephant?
2. Breaking both legs doesn't leave you paralysed. You'd have to damage your spinal cord.
So, I'm going to risk causing massive offence and say - pix or it never happened.
>Thread using a handicap as a cheap joke to guilt others
What marvelous timing.