Ideal mate descriptions

RedEyedAbyss

Sometimes, I wonder if when people go on about some ideal person to project positive qualities onto, do they consider aspiring to be that person themselves? Even if it's just aesthetics, would they put effort into improving their own appearance?

MillerCross

Ideal mate description bother me because a lot of them are intensely shallow and lack self awareness.

InsanityAddict

The vital component of a soulmate fantasy is "accepts me as am I, meaning I don't have to work on myself".

glennmagusharvey

I thought this would be about lists of "my ideal boyfriend/girlfriend would look like this:".

RedEyedAbyss

It is. That's one form of it.

glennmagusharvey

I tried that once.

I promptly realized that I was attracted to people who did not follow that list in multiple ways, which meant that the list was a load of bull anyway.

Waltzy

It's often a description of someone who's perfect for you because they'll cater to you. You never hear things like "I wanna date someone I can make happy every day and listen to".

Malkavian

^This, very much.

Really, I don't want someone who 'accepts me as I am' I want someone who inspires me to be a better person. 

Though that might be another form of idealization...

Gelzo

^^You never hear that? I thought that was a pretty common thing to want. Maybe the people for whom that's true don't bother mentioning it because it's something they understand to be taken for granted.

Icalasari

My list is very simple:

A kind person whom I care for

Why can't people have it that simple?

Waltzy

^^ Nope, not really. I hear "I want a guy who's smart and strong and can protect me and knows everything about where he's going in life and is a good listener and shoulder to lean on" sorts of things which makes me think, "poor him".

Gelzo

^^That's too simple, because were I to adopt that list, it would include male friends and immediate family as ideal mates.

This is problematic to say the least.

RedEyedAbyss

"Maybe the people for whom that's true don't bother mentioning it because it's something they understand to be taken for granted."

Why? Unless it's the stalkerish version, it shows that you are not just thinking of yourself.

"Really, I don't want someone who 'accepts me as I am' I want someone who inspires me to be a better person.

Though that might be another form of idealization..."

It is. Whether either is good or bad depends on whether you'd do the same to your significant other.

Gelzo

"Taken for granted" in this context meaning "mutually understood despite lack of mention" and not "underappreciated".

Icalasari

^^^ Doesn't mean you have to go after them

The point I was trying to make with that is essentially a rewording of what other people have been saying: There are so many possibilities and you could fall in love with just about any set of traits, so a complex list is completely pointless

captainbrass

Some people are incredibly fussy about their criteria for "The One". Oh, to hell with it, I'll say it straight - some women have lists o expectations you wouldn't believe.

I'll never forget one woman whose details I got when I was with a dating agency. I spoke to her over the phone and she asked me how tall I was. I said 5''9. She sounded really disappointed. I mean, I'd have understood it (up to a point) if I'd have said "Actually, I suffer from dwarfism and I'm three-and-a-half feet tall." But she must have been only prepared to go for 6 feet and over or something, as if that was relevant to anything. 

IanExMachina

^

Sounds like for her to get her perfect date would be a Tall order.

captainbrass

^ Do-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Gelzo

I wonder if it would be more descriptive to list "dealbreakers". Though now that I think about it, that sounds potentially more harmful.

DonZabu

>"accepts me as I am, meaning I don't have to work on myself".

By "work on myself", do we mean "start showering more" change or "start not liking Star Trek" change? Because one of those is more agreeable than the other.

TheConductor

My ideal partner is someone who fits me like a puzzle piece. 

I don't mean physically, although...;)

Point is, part of what I enjoyed about my previous relationship is that we added something to each other's lives that the other needed.

I gave her stability and structure and she helped me take care of myself as in the past few years I had really let myself go due to various things.

There was other stuff, of course there was, but that was the initial attraction. 

captainbrass

^ I think the phrase is "You complete me."

The use of the word "mate" makes me think of a bunch of British or (even more) Aussie guys describing their ideal male friend, which is quite amusing.

Gelzo

The reverse is also pretty funny.

InsanityAddict

>Start showering
>Start not liking Star Trek

Like I'd envision it: you shower twice a day if you have a party in the eve, you don't shower if you're going to work up a sweat anyway. You make stabs at Trekkies when with your drinking buds, you discuss Star Trek fanfics on a forum. You just become socially adaptable, accomadating your partner in a reasonable measure without her dictating how you should behave 24/7.

glennmagusharvey

> My ideal partner is someone who fits me like a puzzle piece.

insert outie A into innie B?

TheConductor

^ Yes.

Gelzo

Belly-button sex is best sex.

Malkavian

I'm not sure about ideal, but this is certainly something that should be in a good relationship.

RedEyedAbyss

I'd argue that they shouldn't even have to think of themselves as weird, but eh.

Malkavian

Replace 'weirdness' with 'stuff I don't want to share with other people.'

Icalasari

^^^ That reminded me of how my girlfriend says she loves me because I'm a dork

It was just her poking fun at how I was acting at one point, but I'm still not sure if I should take that as a compliment or insult