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Bec reviews bad fanfic

BecNoirBecNoir
edited 2011-09-21 08:07:13 in Liveblogging
Mexican fag
Hey guys, Bec here. I can't do this at school because school filter blocks fanfiction.net. So I'm doing it now. 

So, what is the purpose of this thread? The purpose of this thread is to nitpick at bad fanfic and hopefully get a laugh out of doing so. 

Our first target: INVADER MAZ

INVADER MAZ: Tallest, please let me go to some puny planet that an Irken 
invader has failed to, well, invade. 

AND IT BEGINS

(PURPLE TALLEST is gazing unblinkily at MAZ, staring at her beauty) 

Hoo boy, two lines in and a canon character's already in wuv with her!

RED TALLEST: Ummmmm.......ummmmmmmm...sure......uhhhh  
but which one? 

Take a guess, folks!

MAZ: (flutters eyes) Oh....I dunno, how about Earth? (flutters eyes again) 

Predictable.

[after Tallests say "yes" dreamily] MAZ: Oh thank you, my (sexy voice) almighty and all knowledgeable leaders. 
(she kisses each of them and both of them sigh in pleasure) bye bye. 

This isn't particularly notable, but it serves as buildup to the next scene...

[after Tallests realize that they sent her to ZIM] Both of them: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh jesus Ms. Robinson Suefic writer

You just gave me the mental image of the Tallests taking a cue from Hayden Christiansen's book


(SKIPPING NEEDLESS JOHNNY CAMEO)


MS. BITTERS: Class, we have a new student in our class..............her name is  
Maz. 
(at that moment MAZ walks in. The children are all bored. When the boys look 
at MAZ they stare longingly at her beautiful self.; MAZ flips her hair 
beautifully) 

And now we know that Stephanie Meyer wasn't even being all that original when she wrote Twilight.


MAZ: Ms. Bitters? May I sit at the front of the row so all the boys will  
look 
like they are actually paying attention to you? 

God, this is so smug and condescending. It's almost as if she's aware of her status as a Sue.

(MS. BITTERS is playing with a rubex cube) 
M.B.: Oh, sure go ahead. 
MAZ: I want her spot! 
M.B.: Bye Sara 
SARA: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I would make fun of this,if it weren't for the fact that shit like this happened all the time in-canon.

OK, that's it for now

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Comments

  • CrimsonCrimson
    Give us fire! Give us ruin! Give us our glory!
    Please don't use bright yellow highlighting for quotes, it's nigh impossible to read.
  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    It just looks grey to me.
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    edited 2011-09-26 08:10:55
    Mexican fag
    Huh, fix'd.

    v Thanks
  • NovaNova
    If you must eat a phoenix, boil it, do not roast it. This only encourages their mischievous habits.
    In order to quote something, there's a little button, just here       ^ in your text box. It has a little blue arrow facing to the right. Highlight your text and press it to quote stuff.
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    Mexican fag

    [At recess]
    (ZIM approaches her but they are dismissed, and DIB is talking to, and  
    trying 
    to impress, MAZ after school.) 
    DIB: Aaaaaand I'm a paranormal investigator. I research questions like aliens  
    and 
    why you are so beautiful. 

    That has to be the worst pick-up line in the history of forever.

    MAZ: Wait, have you even found any "ALIENS" yet? 
    DIB: Ummmm... Actually, I have. His name is Zim. You know the green kid in  
    our 
    class. 
    MAZ: Where does he live? 
    DIB: Why do you want to know? 
    MAZ: Well, ( she flips her hair) I wanted to know so we could maybe expose 
    him for the alien he really is. 
    DIB: Duhhh... Ok. 

    She's kind of like Helen of Troy. They both have men at their beck and call and are both responsible for horrible, devastating things. 

    [after Maz goes to Zim's house and tells Dib to leave]
    MAZ: (sighs) ok here we go.( she rings the doorbell) 
    ZIM: Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyes? 
    MAZ: Hello Zim. 
    ZIM: Oh, hello love pig. You may idol me. 
    (MAZ pushes ZIM inside, locks the door, and rips off his disguise.) 
    ZIM: (in horror) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What are you doing? 
    (MAZ, slowly and romantically, takes off her disguise. She is exceedingly 
    beautiful, and very tall for a girl Irken invader) 


    ZIM: uhhhh.......... 
    MAZ: Yes Zim, it is I, Maz. 
    ZIM: hummana hummmmmana humm. 
    MAZ: As you know, one Irken couple can join together     and well, (she moves 
    closer to ZIM) it's my turn and I pick you. 

    Uh, yeah! That totally wasn't made up on the spot!

    ZIM: Why do you choose me? I mean, you had all those tall and strong and 
    handsome and tall Irken boys to choose from? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD YOU  
    COULD'VE 
    PICKED THE TALLEST! YOU WOULD'VE BEEN IN COMMAND! And why me? 
    MAZ: Well, I knew them before they were high and mighty, and they were in 
    love with me like all the other boys. They only wanted to grow taller so  
    that 
    they could try and impress me.

    This makes me think of the Tallest trying height enhancement drugs, comparing their heights in the locker room, and getting height surgery that goes horribly wrong and leaves them shorter than they were pre-op and you get the idea.
     
  • AHRAHR
    It's times like this that make me thankful that my old fanfiction is only mediocrately bad.
  • NovaNova
    If you must eat a phoenix, boil it, do not roast it. This only encourages their mischievous habits.
    (MAZ, slowly and romantically, takes off her disguise

    How do you even romantically take your clothes off?
  • AHRAHR
    ...I guess it would be like a strip tease...only in a non sexual way?
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    Mexican fag
    [MAZ:]They wanted me to pick them. They both wanted 
     me to pick both of them. That would've been weird. Because as you know,  
    the couple get to have one Irken child that isn't genetically created in labs 
    like you and me. 

    Apparently, Maz hasn't heard the old saying: "Two's company, but three's a crowd!"


    [MAZ:]I really like you, no I love you Zim! (she throws herself 
    into his arms) Hold me. 
    ZIM: I...I...don't know what to say........

     DON'T SAY ANYTHING, ZIM. MAYBE THEN THIS NIGHTMARE WILL BE O-

    ZIM: You didn't tell me why you picked me. 
    MAZ: Well, your naivety, to me, is a turn on, and we are total opposites. 
    Opposites attract, you know. But really, I don't know.. I just love you  
    Zim, 

    -damn.

    ZIM: But what if we do get "married" 
    MAZ: Then we use this ( she pulls out a weird device thingy) to speed up  
    time 
    so we are older and "old enough", in human eyes, to get "married."



    Also,

    >human eyes

    Why do they care about this again?

    (They become silhouetted and they kiss) 
    GIR: Awwwwwwwwww. 

    Oh no...

    (MAZ presses the button, and swirly effects happen; MAZ is now even taller 
    and more beautiful (if that was Irkenly possible) and ZIM stayed the same 
    except he is taller and a little cuter) 
    MAZ: I love you Zim! 
    ZIM: I love you too TAC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    TAC?

     And that concludes it for today.

  • NovaNova
    If you must eat a phoenix, boil it, do not roast it. This only encourages their mischievous habits.
    ...I guess it would be like a strip tease...only in a non sexual way?

    bwuh
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    Mexican fag
    How can a striptease be non-sexual?
  • AHRAHR
    edited 2011-09-26 08:11:29
    I DON'T KNOW I JUST DON'T KNOW ;_;
  • NovaNova
    If you must eat a phoenix, boil it, do not roast it. This only encourages their mischievous habits.
    And that's the thing. A striptease is sexual by nature.

    Taking your clothes off romantically is just one of those things that does not exist.

    It speaks of the fanfiction's quality.
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    Mexican fag
    Guise, should I stay as myself or should I MST this while roleplaying as someone
  • IcalasariIcalasari
    No rainbow star
    I'm sure taking off clothes romantically is possible

    Not sure how, but it just sounds possible somehow

    Eh, maybe my brain is holding onto anything that sounds even the tiniest bit sane to keep from imploding from reading this
  • CrimsonCrimson
    Give us fire! Give us ruin! Give us our glory!
    ^^

    Stay as yourself, it'd would be weird if you suddenly started roleplaying as someone else.
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    edited 2011-09-26 11:10:47
    Mexican fag
    MAZ: What do you mean TAC!!!!!!! 
    ZIM: Ooopsie! 
    GIR: He's still in love with her. 
    ZIM: But I love you too! 

    Maz really doesn't like threesomes.

    (MAZ is crying a cry so cryiful that no one can resist the cry) 

    -facepalms a facepalm so facepalmiful that no one can resist the facepalm-


    MAZ: YOU 
    IDIOT!! I gave anything and everything any Irken boy could ever want! ME AND 
    MY HEART! And you call me TAC!! She wanted to destroy you! I want to love 
    you! AND YOU SAY HER NAME! YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A THING WITH HER!!!!!!!  
    DIB DID!!!!!!!!! 

    Overreaction much? I mean, yeesh, so what if he has a thing for ninja cats?

    'm going  next door to Nny so he can take care of our little TAC problem.  
    In 
    the mean time Zim, you need to find a way to make it up to me. 


    Artist's depiction of Maz.

    IM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gir! How will I ever make it up to 
    her!! She changed me. I love her for that. 
    GIR: I don't know master, how about you get her some Irken sweets and 
    flowers? 
    ZIM: Gir, that is the most BRILLIANT thing you have ever come up with. 
    (ZIM orders packages and they come in a meteor 5 seconds later) 
    ZIM: About time! 
    (MAZ walks through the front door with an evil grin on her face) 
    MAZ: Instead of having Johnny give Tac to Dib, I made him KILL her to her 
    doom for having ever seducing you into her sluttish schemes of doom. 

    MAZ after telling Zim this

    (ZIM gives MAZ the sweets and flowers. The flowers are chocolate and the 
    sweets are made from Poison Oak leaves; MAZ graciously excepts them) 
    MAZ: Oh Zim! I forgive you for falling into that little tramp's clutches!  
    No one could resist. I love you. 
    (ZIM and MAZ kiss) 
    GIR: Yeah!!!!!!!! More kissing!! 

    Are they kissing a kiss so kissiful that no one can resist the kiss?

    78 4/9 hours later 

    >78 4/9

    >78 4/9

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NMGsRmZTFQ

  • BecNoirBecNoir
    edited 2011-09-27 02:18:00
    Mexican fag
    seventy-eight hours and twenty six minutes

    seventy-eight hours and twenty six minutes

    Okay, I've calmed down now. I can retur-

    GIR: YEAH! They are STILL kissing! 

    -nd twenty six minutes

    ZIM: Maz? 
    MAZ: Yes Zim? 
    ZIM: That was the most kissing I have ever done! 

    That was the most kissing anyone's ever done. 

    ZIM: he he Will hmhmhmhmmm  (ZIM's words are muffled as he passionately 
    kisses MAZ) 
    MAZ: What did you say dear? 
    ZIM: I said, (ZIM goes down on one knee) Will you do me the greatest honor 
    and marry me?

    Isn't it kinda hard to propose to someone while making out with her?

    MAZ: Of course! 
    MAZ: Zim? I still can't believe you called me Tak. 
    ZIM: Awwww.... Somebody needs a Kiss! 
    MAZ: Yes I do!  

    Jesus, bitch, you killed her already. Drop it.

    ZIM: That was our 56,935,748,302 kiss! 

  • NovaNova
    If you must eat a phoenix, boil it, do not roast it. This only encourages their mischievous habits.
    I'm fairly sure 4/9ths of 60 is not six point seven.

    Yeah, it's 26.6
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    Mexican fag
    Oh, sorry. I thought it said 1/6
  • MagusMagus
    I'LL STAY MAI HAUNDS...WITH YAU BLAHT
    There is no way to convey the levels of aeiou I am feeling right now
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    Mexican fag
    Uh...whatever that means.

    Say, aren't you still looking for Schala?
  • NovaNova
    If you must eat a phoenix, boil it, do not roast it. This only encourages their mischievous habits.
    Oh, sorry. I thought it said 1/6

    1/6th of 60 is 10
  • ChagenChagen
    edited 2011-09-27 08:13:17
    [tɕagɛn]
    That 4/9 Hours thing is making me seriously think that this is a troll.
  • BecNoirBecNoir
    Mexican fag
    Hey guys, can you recommend any badfics for me to review?

    I'm not making fun of My Immortal or anything made by Peter Chimaera. I think that making fun of them's been done to death
  • IcalasariIcalasari
    edited 2011-09-29 10:39:43
    No rainbow star
    I can't think of any off the top of my head, but http://fyeahpokemoncreepypasta.tumblr.com/ has some bad Pokemom creepypasta on it which could count as fanfic. Why not do a random sampling and review three or four of them?
  • ChagenChagen
    [tɕagɛn]
    Bec, I will gladly give you some of my old badfic to MST.
  • GlowsquidGlowsquid
    Silence is golden.

    Hey guys, can you recommend any badfics for me to review?

    http://warioman3k.deviantart.com/gallery/7667899

     

    choice quote:

     

    Rupert: "So is it true that Red Falcon took off for Japan?"
    Bill: "Yeah..."
    Lance: "But we're not letting him kill off the Japanese! This country is where all of anime and video games came from first!"

     

     

  • BeeBee
    It's times like this that make me thankful that my old fanfiction is only mediocrately bad.
  • Marioguy128Marioguy128
    If that don't work, use more gun.
    What the fuck what the fuck did I just read?  I... I don't think I could've read that Invader Zim fic on it's own.  Seriously, how, can people come up with this stuff?

    As for more bad fanfics, I think I ran into a few.  I'll try to dig them up.
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