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I need to chill out (The TL;DR Tales)
I know what you're thinking. "Hatter, you're high and malnourished! And also, you're a prick!" All these are true. But the fact is that I need to chill out in real life.
In real life, my emotions are tightly controlled. I haven't been in a fight in over a decade. I haven't raised my voice in anger in half as long. Because of my size and strength, it's very easy for me to hurt people, so I tend to stay quiet and reserved unless I'm among my closest friends. This is an okay existence, even if it's uncomfortable for me.
Then she came along.
The girl with the broadsword - let's call her Sarah, for simplicity's sake - is a little too slender and a little too pale. Her nose is a little too pointed, her eyes a little too green, her hair a little too dark. She has breasts only a ten year old girl would envy, and has practically no ass to speak of. And somehow - maybe it's her quiet nature, or maybe she's just unremarkable - the vast majority of people who speak with her forget she ever existed, even moments after talking to her.
To me, she's the most beautiful person I've ever met.
I can't tell you precisely what drew me to her. I think it started when I first met her; when I first laid eyes on her, she was practicing with a wooden training sword out by a gazebo, alone but with the grace of someone to whom solitude is no stranger. Even though the sword was easily as thick as her leg, she wielded it like it was an extension of her arm, moving smoothly and gracefully from one stance to another.
To tell you the truth, I thought that she was in the wrong place. The average member of the combat club is either overweight or ugly or both, and to me she looked like she must have joined the club as some kind of joke. It was only when I watched her that I could tell that she wasn't a stranger to combat.
We sparred a bit, later on, with daggers and swords. I was bigger and stronger and perhaps a bit faster, but her movements were practiced and her technique flawless. I had a hard time pressing any advantage I had before I finally landed a hit on her sternum, pushing her back a few steps. I'd been careful not to hurt her, but as I landed I offered her an apologetic grin. "Sorry," I said.
She smiled, saying nothing as usual.
Later, I decided to talk to her and a couple of my other friends. When I mentioned that I sometimes watched anime, and that I'd recently finished watching the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, she smiled shyly and whispered "I memorized the dance."
I didn't have anything to say to that.
Fast forward a few months. I did my best to ignore Sarah, reasoning that she was beyond my league and that I was a fool to think about it. I pursued other relationships, although the one where I got farthest ended with me getting stood up twice and then threatened by a convict. Not fun. But Sarah was always in the back of my mind - calm, quiet and beautiful.
During the winter I started to notice Sarah again - in retrospect, probably because my own feelings of loneliness seemed to be echoed in her quiet nature, solitude and sad smile. I grew concerned, and, in the roundabout manner that I usually do, I gathered information to see if I could help. I spoke with a friend of mine who happened to be Sarah's roommate - and was informed that Sarah was probably fine, was doing well, and that she had a boyfriend who helped her move in earlier in the year.
Well.
Here's another thing you should know about me: I don't want to be a relationship breaker. If I find out that a girl I like has a boyfriend, whatever I feel gets suppressed immediately. I'm not sure why I hate the idea so much - maybe I just hate drama - but there it is.
So I did the only thing my morals could do: I smiled, thanked my friend for her time, and quashed all the feelings I'd felt for this shy, quiet, beautiful young woman.
That winter was possibly one of the worst in my life. My grades plummeted, I gained weight, I spent money on junk food, and spent most of my free time in my dark, dusty room. Looking back, I realize that I should have gone to the resident counselor, or at least spent more time with my friends, but I was so absorbed in my own misery that I couldn't muster up the will to do much of anything more than stare at the wall, or, if I was feeling especially active, browse online. I didn't sleep for days at a time - why, I couldn't tell you - and I stopped going to the combat club meetings even after the snow melted, because I couldn't bear to see Sarah. She was everything I wanted; everything I couldn't have.
After spending some time at home, I started thinking. I resolved to myself that by not even trying, I wasn't being selfless - I was being pathetic. I decided that if I truly wanted something, I would have to reach for it. I was going to do whatever I could to get Sarah to return what I felt for her. Even if she rejected me, even if she had a rabid grizzly bear for a boyfriend who'd tear me to pieces for daring to approach her, I'd do it, because she was worth it. Any amount of injury, emotional or physical, I'd risk it.
So I started to exercise. I didn't get buff, or even significantly fitter, but it was enough for me to feel a difference, become more confident. I talked to my friends, listened to their advice, made plans and attempted to change myself for the better. I started to approach Sarah and do my best to coax her out of her shell. One time, she even gave me the Look - you know, when a girl bites her lower lip and gazes at you. I feel confident in saying that being the recipient of the Look made me feel happier than I've ever been.
Over the summer, she was all I could think about. I couldn't wait until I could see her again, hear her quiet, soft voice that made my chest hurt, watch that quiet, secret smile on her lips. When I got back to college, I found myself scanning the campus as I walked from my dorm to my classes, looking for a glimpse of her.
Then, yesterday evening, I saw her.
Her dark hair was tied back from her face in a ponytail. She leaned against a pillar, hugging herself and looking slightly overwhelmed at the crush of people around her. I wanted to go to her and hug her to my chest, to protect her from the crowds, but we were still only acquaintances - barely even friends. She barely knew me and I, despite my obsession, barely knew her. Instead, with my blood roaring in my ears and my heart pounding, I walked up to her, looked her in her green eyes and gave her the friendliest, nicest grin I could manage. "Hey," I said.
She didn't answer. Her eyes, green and sad and beautiful, drifted to the ground. Her lips curved in an uncomfortable, bitter smile - the same smile I wore whenever I felt overwhelmed or sad or upset.
Maybe it was the crowd. Sarah hates crowds, and even when in a group with her friends, she's always slightly uncomfortable. But to my eyes, I was the source of her discomfort. And it made me want to crawl into a hole and die.
As I said at the beginning, I like being in control of my emotions. I keep them bottled up. But when I'm around Sarah, or thinking about her, or doing my best NOT to think about her, those emotions swell up with frightening intensity, turning my interest in her into a burning obsession that I'm trying my best to suppress. When she smiles at me, I feel like I'm the only person in the world, and when she's sad, I feel sadder. I'm writing this as a way of trying to deal with my obsession, and hopefully channel it away from something that could turn destructive or creepy all too quickly. This is really the first time I've felt anything like this about someone.
I tried - in vain - to explain my feelings to my friend, who we'll call Katie. She gave me a sad smile, patted my hand, and said, "You need to chill out, Harry."
She's totally right.
TL;DR: I like a girl. Which scares me.
Comments
I think you're gonna have to get over this girl, dude.
Also, unless you're talking about a 17th century or later backsword, FFFFFFFF incorrect terminology.
You know.
ENGAGE WITH HER AS THOUGH SHE WERE AN ACTUAL PERSON.
I'm joking, don't do that.
You know.
ENGAGE WITH HER AS THOUGH SHE WERE AN ACTUAL PERSON.
You know at this point, that's a very improbable option. Hatter has spent about a year creepily obsessing over her, building her into some ideal no human could meet.
A novel of a person trying to improve himself and the journey he experiences because of it.
^I prefer 'The Swordswoman and the Haberdasher' personally, mostly because haberdasher is an awesome word.
It's good that you have a lot in common with her. Are there somethings you don't have in common? It's always good to have a few things you don't have in common with each other, that way once you are one better than terms, you can introduce her to said things and vice-versa.
For example, my wife never gone to anime cons till she met me and I have never gone to a Ren faire until her.
Such a gentleman of you. Oh right, you reminded me of how I'm a groomsman at a friend's wedding in a Ren faire in a few months. I'm so tired of weddings now. Sure, mine was awesome but then my wife was a bride's "maid" for a friend of her's and we had to go to Disney World... yeah, it is possible to not be excited about going to Disney World and the 15 hour drive was just a tiny bit of it.
And how!
But anyway, try to relax around this girl was well.