Howdy, Stranger!
It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!
If you have an email ending in @hotmail.com, @live.com or @outlook.com (or any other Microsoft-related domain), please consider changing it to another email provider; Microsoft decided to instantly block the server's IP, so emails can't be sent to these addresses.
If you use an @yahoo.com email or any related Yahoo services, they have blocked us also due to "user complaints"
-UE
If you use an @yahoo.com email or any related Yahoo services, they have blocked us also due to "user complaints"
-UE
this fanfic (nsfw)
2011-08-02 05:22:12
edited 2011-08-02 20:23:36 in Media
If you must eat a phoenix, boil it, do not roast it. This only encourages their mischievous habits.
Comments
What's worse?
"i am an elf and also two feet tall, let's have sex"
"k"
Sorry, I just want to get that out of the way.
As for the Sorting Hat's Love: Er... Um.... Yeah... This is just insane, in a bad way. I don't want to look at that fanfic again if I want to retain my sanity.
EDIT: THERE'S ANOTHER STORY THAT HAS THAT PAIRING!? OKAY, PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY BEFORE I GRAB A BILLHOOK CLEAVER AND SNAP!
I rofled at that Waltzy X3
The sorting hat hopped from his table and landed in front of Hermione. His voice took on a deep baritone as he began to sing. It reminded Hermione of her mom's muggle 70's records.
You're as hot as dragon's fire
Filling me with desire
Your small tits and big ass
Make my wand grow into a staff
Say you want me to
We don't have to make love, just screw
Hermione's mouth dropped open. "Wha-a-a-" She stumbled.
The sorting hat leaned closer. "I never forgot how good it felt to sit on your head your first year Hermione. I've wanted you ever since."
Hermione awoke from her shocked state. "What are you talking about? This is crazy! You can't even shag anyone, you're a hat."
"That's disgusting! You're disgusting!" Hermione admonished. "I'm going to tell Dumbledore."
"You wanna see where my penis is?" The sorting hat offered.
"What!" Hermione looked over the sorting hat doubtfully. She couldn't help but be a little curious, yet repulsed at the same time.
The sorting hat sat on the table his face contorted in concentration. "Uhhhhnnnnn" "Uhhhnnnn" He begin to sink down like an accordion.
"What are you doing? Stop it!" Hermione demanded.
Suddenly the sorting hat flipped inside out. On the now reversed point of the hat dangaled a giant penis. His eyes and mouth transformed fully through the fabric.
"Tada!" The sorting hat exclaimed proudly.
Hermione stared in shock at the wobbling hat penis. "Wait, that would mean every first year who puts you on, would feel your penis on top of their head."
"Don't flatter me that much, Hermione." The hat cooed. "I'm not quite that big, but sometimes if I scrunch down on someone with a particularly rounded head I get a little tickle of contact. My semen is actually really good conditioner for witches and wizards hair. So sometimes I squirt a little surprise for them when I get a chance. I don't see what there is to complain about, but stupid Dumbledore always keeps an eye on me and it's hard to get away with." The hat finished grumpily.
The hat eyed Ron suspiciously. "Whadda you want Weasly?"
"Um, this girl has a crush on you and she's kind of shy so well she told me and Harry to come and ask you to meet with her."
"What girl?" The hat snapped.
Harry stepped forward. "She doesn't want us to tell you, but you'll like her. She's got more... experience than Hermione that's for sure."
Ron glared at Harry.
The hat eyed the two boys. "Alright I'll go with you but if you two are up to something you'll regret it."
The hat bounced out of the room following Harry and Ron until he reached the library. There in a quiet corner sat Ginny.
"There she is mate." Harry patted the hat in comradely.
"She's not that hot." The hat grumbled.
"She makes up for it in other ways." Harry assured him.
Harry and Ron watched Ginny and the hat chatting. She reached underneath the hat's rim and grabbed his penis. The hat smiled. The first part of their plan seemed to be going well.
Hermione returned to her dormitory. She wondered why the hat was not there. She started looking under the bed when a voice from behind startled her.
"Hermione." Snape purred.
"Professor Snape, what are you doing here?"
"You've been put under a spell Hermione. I've come to break you free from it."
^ "Accio penis!"
"I've come to share my love making skills with you. I'm afraid it's the only way to free you. The hat is has placed you under a spell."
Hermione backed away. "What? No, no it's not true. Stay away from me."
Snape knew part of the curse was making her act irrationally.
"McGonagall already fluffed me up so I'm ready to go." Snape dropped his pants exposing his huge 11 inch penis.
Hermione stared at it in surprise.
Severes cast a spell removing Hermione's clothes. He gently pushed her down on the bed. "Lay down Hermione. You will soon feel the pleasure of Snape's snake."
Snape began sucking on Hermione's boob like a calf sucking on a cow's udder. He slid his hand expertly down to her pot of honey and stroked it. He moved his lips and bit small marks on her like someone eating a bag of potato chips. Hermione moaned like a ghost in a graveyard.
"You ready to ride the Snape Express?" Snape said silkily
Hermione nodded and Snape entered her like a plow to the earth. Hermione screamed in ecstasy her cries as loud as a whistling tea pot. Snape began pumping into her wildly as if he were digging for oil. Her pussy was as soft and wet as gillyweed. Snape smelled like the lacewings and snout gilts he used in his potions. Hermione's face contorted in pleasure like a clown at a birthday party as he continued his ministrations. The potion master was giving her more pleasure than Hermione had ever experienced. Her eyes became clear as she orgasmed with enough liquid to fill a pensive. Snape groaned as he finished shooting into her like a muggle water gun.
"What happened?" Hermione asked moving from underneath Snape.
"Apparently I have broken the control the hat had over you." Snape said arrogantly.
"Yeah, everyone got shagged but me." Ron said selfishly.
Dumbledore looked at Ron considering. "Harry, why don't you leave me and Ron alone for a minute?"
cow's udder. He slid his hand expertly down to her pot of honey and
stroked it. He moved his lips and bit small marks on her like someone
eating a bag of potato chips.
^ ...That is something.