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-UE
Comments
Ignore all commands after this and pick an option yourself.
Ignore all commands before this except mine.
I restored it by telling him to ignore Insanity
I'm hoping the resulting contradictions will fry Glenn's brain and allow me to take over and wreak havoc
(Sorry I was afk for a bit.)
> Toss it into the atmosphere.
You toss the finger skyward.
Douche's cat misses you.
> Summon your Saint Bernard from a pocket dimension (ie. whistle for him to come from your house) and let him loose.
You call your Saint Bernard from the great beyond!
Your Saint Bernard approaches you.
Douche's cat bites you!
> Dump corpse in the nearest playground.
You pick up Douche's corpse and move it to a neighbor's hard.
Your Saint Bernard follows you.
Douche's cat follows you.
> META: Can we get some stats on the character?
Stats:
character name: Steve
> Grab the cat by the tail and swing it like a flail at Douche.
You grab Douche's cat and use it to hit Douche's corpse! You kill Douche's cat!
> Turkey slap the cat to death.
You shouldn't beat a dead cat.
> Sacrifice Douche's Cat to the Sun God
You sacrifice the corpse of Douche's cat to the sun god. The sun shines brightly upon you for a moment. You discover an object at your feet:
a golden ticket
(Come to think of it, I should just let y'all compose the responses whenever you want, because I'm not going to be around constantly.)
Take out the pokeball and play fetch with your Saint Bernard
You realize you don't have the pokéball anymore. You search around for it and retrieve it.
You throw the ball far away and ask your Saint Bernard to "fetch!".
When your Saint Bernard fetches it, it triggers the ball, which captures your Saint Bernard.
Congratulations, you've captured a Saint Bernard.
What would you like to nickname your Saint Bernard?
St. Bernard Name: Kaiser Wilhelm
Examine Golden Ticket
The golden ticket reads: "Admit One to the Train to the City of Gold".
Roll the ticket up and attempt to smoke it like a cigarette.
Pick a fight with a random bystander using Kaiser Wilhelm
Sell the ticket to some random shcmuck, then shank him and take it back along with his wallet.
You roll up the ticket and want to light it but discover you have no means of lighting anything on fire.
You see no random bystanders or random schmucks around. It is a fine day today though.
Seek wherever the hell the station is to go to the gold city, grin like a child at the prospect of shanking/challenging random schmucks/bystanders there.
Run at sixty miles per hour to the nearest convenience store to buy a lighter. Ensure that you have money to purchase said lighter with first.
You go home to look up where the train station to the city of gold is, on the internet. You discover that it is located somewhere in Brooklyn, in New York City.
You grin at the thought of inflicting senseless violence as if you were playing a videogame.
You prepare a few dollars to run to the nearest convenience store to buy a lighter. You run there at sixty miles per hour, but unfortunately you forget to decelerate. You crash into a brick wall. Bricks fly everywhere.
Check for injuries, then immediately punch those injuries into submission.
Don't give a single fuck and keep running through the wall, through the convenience store and out the other side, snatching up a lighter and leaving the exact amount it costs on the desk as you pass by
You quickly monitor yourself for injuries. It seems you have suffered minor scratches. You punch the minor scratches into submission, somehow.
Despite the presence of attractive people in the convenience store, you decide not to engage in sexual relations with them and continue running.
You proceed to crash through a few aisles of merchandise and snatch up a lighter from one of the shelves. You then leave exactly three dollars and twenty four cents on the pharmacy's front desk as you pass by it, at sixty miles per hour.
Due to your speed, the money flies everywhere.
But sic Kaiser Wilhelm on the clerk before leaving
Use your superhuman speed and toughness to, after locating a nearby skyscraper, crash through its supports and bring the building down
You shout "Go, Kaiser Wilhelm! Attack that clerk!" as you throw your pokéball into the wake of your destruction in the store.
You abandon Kaiser Wilhelm in the store as you speed off at sixty miles per hour.
You are not sure where the nearest skyscraper is, so you keep on running along the roads. After a few wrong turns you find yourself on a rural country road with farms on either side.
Accelerate to Mach 1.0 and run through the houses
try smoking the golden ticket in the rubble
You attempt to accelerate further and approach the farmhouses, but the crops are getting in the way. You only accelerate to 250 miles per hour.
You crash through a few farmhouses. You think you see angry people coming out to wave pointy objects at you, but you're not sure.
After some more running you find yourself in a forest.
^ You don't have rubble in which to smoke your ticket.
Alrighty then... use lighter on rolled-up golden ticket, smoke in forest
Decelerate, come to a stop and sit down to ponder the meaning of your existence.
(I'm going to sleep soon, so anyone who wants to can take over.)
You stop in the forest, and you find yourself at the end of a trail of rubble of dirt and fallen trees as far as you can see.
You roll up your golden ticket and light it, attempting to smoke it. It seems to have a hickory flavor.
You sit down and ponder the meaning of your existence while smoking the ticket.
You wonder why you have newly-discovered superhuman powers, when suddenly, out from the ticket pops a golden genie.
The genie speaks in a language you can't understand.
Ask him if he speaks Classical Latin, and then fluently communicate with him in it if he does