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People thinking that they're being subtle about something when they're not
I can't stand when people drag things out by being vague and mysterious to try pushing other people into action because they don't want to make a move and risk getting hurt. Especially if the reasons are related to love or affection for the person they're trying to provoke to action. If they're really sure they care for that person, it's much nicer to come forward and say "hey I like you" and clear the air than to try and push their dilemma on said person instead of themselves.
Especially in this situation where the person on the receiving end of the vagueness has absolutely no interest in reciprocating and the person being not-subtle knows it and just keeps angsting on it.
Comments
Any context you want to talk about, privately or otherwise?
I'd apply Hanlon's Razor here and expect autistic cluelessness rather than purposeful manipulation. The situation reeks of someone fed on a diet of media that portrays romance as something that only comes out in a magic moment after long bouts of pining, hiding one's feelings and slowly growing closer through friendship. Heaven knows I've been through that phase.
Regardless whether it's intentional or not, telling someone you only see him as a friend should be enough even for the most rampant of sperglords. Should he still ignore said hint and continue his clumsy affections, I'd mercykill your friendship since it's based on false pretenses.
Ignore all of the above if I parsed the situation wrong.
>Autistic cluelessness
why autistic?
Because autism implies difficulty reading social cues, and a tendency to see the world in patterns(oft paired with mining said patterns from whatever media on is consuming). Not everyone is as bad as Chris-chan, of course, but it's a useful descriptor even though it has an undercurrent of armchair psychology.
Eh well I guess it would be easier to just say it so it doesn't turn into one of those things where everyone messages one person and stuff.
To elaborate, there's this guy that's been a good friend, but it's been obvious for a long while that he's got more-than-friendship feelings for me and I most certainly do not like him like that and he is very very aware that I already have a (wonderful) girlfriend who I couldn't possibly be happier with.
He'll say things like "I like you a lot but you already have Nancy", or just act way too familiar with me and ask favors on really short notice without apologizing like our relationship is close enough for me to just put up with it when I've made it clear that I don't like doing stuff last minute. And then he'll ask about Nancy all snide and superior-like, "She's treating you well, right? Good, she should be" as if she's ever been anything but awesome to me, coming from him, the guy who comes over short notice (with another mutual friend) and leaves trash all over my room and then criticizes it on his way out, or asks me to come help him "finish a project" when it's hours before his deadline and he hasn't even started.
But the worst part of all is that he recently wrote some vaguely-sexual prosy-poem thing about me and him (there's no names attached but it was right after he would've gotten home after leaving my place after a get-together between me, him, and the mutual friend, and it was related to things we'd just talked about, and right before he left he'd been rude to me and I'd been sorta icy towards him for it) where he paints me as like I'm ~tempting~ him and ~teasing~ him and stuff like that and I'm most certainly not, he knows how much I love Nancy and how I don't even have eyes for anyone else, or at least he would know if he'd pay attention.
I guess to his credit his writing was only -vaguely- sexual and not an outright rape-is-love fantasy story with three huge installments like a stalker I had a few years ago wrote, but I don't have any idea what he's doing or trying to do and it pisses me off. I commented on the poem thingy and was like "Do you want to talk about anything? Is there someone giving you a hard time?" and he was just all defensive like "oh it's hopeless/don't mind me". I gave him an opportunity to just get things off his chest and he's always talked to me about that sort of thing before since I always keep an ear out for friends if they need it, but now all of a sudden he clams up suspiciously.
It's not on me to go to him and help him sort out his feelings or anything and I get the feeling he's expecting me to in the hopes it'll bring us closer or something. I'm just tired of this wishy-washy indirect nonsense and kinda just want him to knock off whatever he's trying to do, because I know for a fact he's the type that's smarter than he acts and I'm really losing trust in him.
I realize on some level I might sound really mean or assuming but he's been getting progressively ruder over half a year and my tolerance is kinda running out, and I'm a little too good at reading people sometimes. It's just frustrating. x_x
Talk to him. Tell him he's been upsetting you and that he needs to cut it out. Don't put him in the accused chair right away, though. He could simply be a bit too impulsive and simply doesn't realize that by the time he's performed the actions he has performed
Also, yeah, that sucks. :<
Curious. The passive-aggressiveness and overprotectiveness of the nice guy combined with the agressive sexuality, negging and the she-waits-on-you, you-not-on-her bullshit of the alpha male. It appears he has reached the apex of douchebaggery.
How fast can you cut him out of your life completely?
Edit: even if this is all stupidity and not malice, he needs to get his noggin out of his asscrack, and probably needs a time-out from your company anyway to get over his rejection.
>passive-aggressiveness and overprotectiveness of the nice guy combined with the agressive sexuality, negging and the she-waits-on-you, you-not-on-her bullshit of the alpha male
oh my god that is just so apt it hurts
I've been especially lenient on him so far given his situation, he's recently come out as a FtM transgender and has been going through a lot, including family rejection to a partial degree and therapy sessions and really needing his friends lately, so I've tried to be easier on him because I know he's going through a lot. On top of that, the most egregious instances of him being inconsiderate were during times that might not be prudent of me to get mad at him over, like around the holidays (I know things are hectic for everyone around then) and at a friend's birthday party (I didn't want to make the party all about me so I just sort of gave him a stern "I REALLY didn't like what you fucking did because I told you before to not do it and you did it again and seriously I will be so angry if it happens again" and left it at that).
So like on one hand I kinda want to throw up my hands and go "fuck him enough of this" but on the other, I know he can be a really, really cool friend and I know he's going through a hard time and also if I were to have to not hang around with him, our other mutual friend, the only other one he's really close to, is aware and rational enough to side with me, but I don't want to be responsible for ripping us both away when we're his biggest support, especially in his time of need.
This just sucks.
IA put it a bit harsher than I would have, but I echo the sentiment; your friend needs to grow up. If you still want to be friends with him, it sounds like you need to make it even clearer (though it sounds like you already have) that his behavior is irritating.
The cynical side of me says he knows this and is using it as an excuse to act like he is because he knows you won't reject it/him.
The optimistical side of me says that maybe he's just clueless and is being desperate because his home life sucks at the moment. And a sucky home life like you're describing can cause people to be really stupid. Add that to regular teenage hormones, and I can see why he'd do it, although it's still really stupid.
Maybe you could just try talking to him and telling him that he is making you feel uncomfortable.
(By the way, if you do that, be aware for if he tries to wrap it around to be your fault or something; it's a common tactic.)
Ah, yeah, there's that, too. If he tries to pin the blame on you, or gives you attitude about it, I say cut off contact with him, at least until you've observed (from afar) that his disposition has improved significantly. Then again, I don't know him, or what he's like, as a friend, well enough to comment on how you've dealt with it thus far.
Really, if people are using their personal hardships as an excuse to act like jerks (as in they don't want to change and see it as a convenient excuse, not being stressed and acting wrongly) that is repulsive enough to warrant cutting them out of your life entirely, or at least until they stop expecting "shitty situation perks"
The thing is, though, that if you really appreciate them and they're going through a hard time, he still doesn't have the right to go all possessive on you, and you still need to confront him about it, and then act according to the outcome. I wouldn't say that you should cut ties with him right away, if onl because of the past history you mention and because you're going to regret not knowing fully well the situation and acting without the knowledge itself.
So, basically, my suggestion is that you assess the situation properly through confrontation with him and then depending on the outcome, either cut ties with him, give him a break from your friendship or make him cut it out in one way or the other. Forgiveness is OK and all, but it's no good if it doesn't learn to learning.
If you want, you can keep us posted so we can give you advice post confrontation or something. that is, if you decide on doing it.
For goodness sake Walzty! You didn't have to make a thread about this! I was just playing around, I had no idea it was affecting you like this.
Seriously though, the guy probably doesn't mean any harm with the way he is acting, it doesn't excuse him, but if you explain to him firmly but kindly that it's upsetting you/making you feel uncomfortable then he should understand and back off.
> ask favors on really short notice without apologizing
> ask about Nancy all snide and superior-like, "She's treating you well, right? Good, she should be"
> comes over short notice (with another mutual friend) and leaves trash all over my room and then criticizes it on his way out
> asks me to come help him "finish a project" when it's hours before his deadline and he hasn't even started
He does not sound like a very nice person in the first place, whether or not you already have a significant other.