I think I have a problem

DonZabu

So there's this "hobby" and it's driving me insane and I think that I really need some fucking advice... everything seems to be going off the rails...

Anyways, to come straight to the point, once a month I place an oder at the local butcher, because what I need, or to be more precise the amount of what I need, isn't always in stock... 

Then, averagely 2-3 days later, I can finally fetch what I ordered, namely 120 pounds of raw and juicy ground pork.

All Nines

Huh. Okay.

DonZabu

In-between the moment of the order and the moment I finally get to transfer all the pork to my pushcart I'm jiggy like a little girl and have to take tons of valium and Xanax to prevent some kind of nervous breakdown... 

But when I feel the meat in my hands, trust me, I feel so delirious that I don't even care about all the nasty glances people throw at me while I'm pushing my cart home.

After 25 minutes of pushing 120 pounds of raw meat I finally arrive at home. Now this is where the band begins to play, IJBM ;-). The feeling is so incredible that I can't even put it into words.

glennmagusharvey

Would you say that the local butcher...doesn't always meat your needs?

Forzare

Sounds like the steaks are pretty high.

DonZabu

After shutting all doors, windows and disabling my phones in order to make sure no one can see, disturb or hear me I usually start off by taking a shower followed by a whole-body sterilisation, since I don't want to offend the pork, I guess you know what I mean. Afterwards I don't put my clothes on again, of course.

Then I start my CD player, insert my favorite Phil Collins CD, I (we ;>) usually listen to Sussudio - my favorite - first and turn the volume up as far as it will go. 

By the way, before I leave my home I already cook some spagetthi, because I know that I couldn't hold back for another 5 minutes while she is lying there...

Why spaghetti? Because I like em blonde.

DonZabu

Once all the important preparations are done, shit gets serious, very serious. 120 pounds of ground pork... good gracious... so soft and tender... yet so hard to lift and heave onto the 4m² of clingfilm aground.

The ritual begins with a modelling and shaping session. Usually I model her on Adriana Lima, just blonde.
I can remember, one time I tried wholemeal spagetthi, but I think I just enraged the pork so I'm using the normal and bright ones again...

I'm done with modelling her when I think she is happy which usually takes about 2-3 hours. I can feel it when she is happy, but sometimes she seems a little upset when I modelling her vagina. Then I check whether I did everything correctly or whether I forgot anything. Hah, sometimes I even forget to burn the vanilla candles in my sexual frenzy.

Icalasari

*looks at category* Ah, a wonderful post

DonZabu

The moment that everything seems to be perfect I restart my Phil Collins CD and insert my penis into Adriana's soft, tight and pink vagoo. You can't imagine how good it feels. It's a little cold though, but I try not to reveal it, because I don't want to ruffle her...

And then, oh god, as Phil Collins is stuttering Sussudio at the top of his voice, I pound dat meat as if there was no tomorrow.

However, my problem is that this monthly convention is a little costy, especially my consumption of benzodiazepines and of course the mincemeat itself, but I'm not the richest guy in the room, y'know?

So what do, IJBM?

glennmagusharvey

I think you should open the door and get on the floor.

 

Everybody will proceed to walk the dinosaur.

Icalasari

Kidnap a real woman

Far more cost effective

InsanityAddict

*insert snide remark about weight of the average American woman*

DonZabu

I saw this on an /adv/ thread months ago; I saved it to my hard drive.

Far as I can tell, it wasn't copypasta.

IanExMachina

>spaghetti
>copypasta
... 

glennmagusharvey

It's original pasta.