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Malk tells you exactly what he thinks Paul W.S. Anderson's The Three Musketeers.
Imagine you want to make a movie about air pirates? I mean it practically sells itself! Air Pirates, man! AIR PIRATES! They're awesome, aren't they? But the studio execs don't believe it will sell, what to do what to do? Oh, I know! Attach it to well-known property... but you're Paul W.S. Anderson, you can't expect that Marvel is going to be as dumb as Capcom was with Resident Evil. It'll have to be public domain. Even better, you can bill it like the 're-imagining' Sherlock Holmes movie that came out. People dug the hell out of that!
And I'm convinced that's how The Three Musketeers came into being.
The unfortunate thing about The Three Musketeers is that while it's definitely not the romantic tale of Alexandre Dumas it never gets audacious enough to warrant being an amusing trainwreck. Oh, there are things that seem to promise it such as Aramis being turned into a French-Catholic Ezio Auditore, The Duke of Buckingham (played by Orlando Bloom) sporting an Elvis-style fashion, and the aforementioned airships but it never comes to realize its own potential for insanity.
Also, I think it needs to be noted that I hesitated to believe the Duke was played by Orlando Bloom because with the exception of Ray Stevenson as Porthos, every single male character seems to be auditioning for an Orlando Bloom lookalike, which is exacerbated by the only characters getting any real attention are Athos and D'Artangan. The women don't fair much better as Mila Jovovich is even worse than usual, perhaps thinking Rachel McAdams' Irene Adler was good to take from. The Cardinal is amusing, if only because with every line he seemed to have resigned himself to generic 'mwahahaha' villainy, but he barely gets any time, and the only clue we get at him planning anything is a scene of him pissed off whenever the musketeers do something cool.
The big thing is that the main plot doesn't really make a lot of sense. It's incredibly loosely based on the first adventure the foursome have together going to England to retrieve stolen royal jewels. Here, though, the stakes are raised so that the missing jewels would result in all-out war between England and France... and they never really explain why. There's a subplot with King Louis hoping Anne will wear the jewels to his ball but the entire macguffin chase is the most flimsy I've seen.
The movie does come alive at the climactic airship battle and then managing to shoehorn in D'Artangan's rooftop swordfight with Rochefort but it bothers me how little the other characters get to interact. Athos is the only real character of the three, Porthos smashes stuff because he's big, and we don't even really get to see Aramis do any of the Assassin's Creed-y stuff he's hinted at being able to do. I guess the lack of air pirates in movies means this film has at least one thing that makes it worth seeing, but wait until it comes onto the movie channels. Don't even go to the dollar theater like I did because I regret not using that dollar to get myself a slice of pizza.
Comments
Basically, Anderson still needs to learn how to use screen time efficiently.
Anderson really isn't good at making his movies visually cohesive as far as narrative goes. The scripts probably don't help but the sense when and where things happen are confusing. He seems capable when dealing with the action itself though.
Also, we get that you like to brag that you married Milla. Stop shoving her into all of your movies.
I honestly think he's a good director and a bad scriptwriter. If you look at all his movies, you'll find that the ones he had no hand in during the writing process come across as fun action romps that you can recommend to your friends.
>Alex
>Defending someone involved with the AvP movie.
The first AvP movie is okay.
I mean, it's not the utter travesty that the second one was... <_<
In any case, AvP1 makes me a bit happy for a couple of reasons:
1. The first time an Alien and a Predator are on screen together, the Alien kills the Predator.
2. That Alien goes on to kill another in short order.
In fact, I'd probably choose Paul to direct again if there was ever another one, because he appears biased in favour of the Alien and so am I.
He just needs to be given an awesome script and a budget that doesn't necessitate recycling the crappy costumes from Res.
Now bow before my logical and objective analysis.
AvP is still probably the dumbest crossover out there. "Hey, let's take this tense and amazing piece of sci-fi horror and pair it with this shlocky Arnold vehicle!"
New Idea: Oscar Schindler Vs. Darkman!
Malky, here are my two questions:
1. Does shit get fucked up in spectacular ways?
2. Are Milla Jovovich's breasts exposed at any point?
1. shit gets fucked. It's not that spectacular.
>Milla Jovovich
>Breasts
The insult to injury is that the writers of most AvP stuff frame the Aliens as mindless, easily-defeated mooks and the Predators as bronze-age superheroes with laser guns.
Come on dudes. I know Predator doesn't have a great deal of depth or anything, but there's shit you can do. I mean we have two villainous creatures that use deception and environment to remain unseen, both of whom have a thing for skulls (be it collecting or breaking them). And as much as the 2001 AvP2 game frames the Aliens as mooks, it actually has a great example of an AvP storyline. They even manage to have a plot where the Aliens not being from Acheron makes sense.
Aww.
And Milla Jovovich has a delicious flat chest.
Oh she's attractive, I'm not even going to deny that, but it seems kind of odd to have emphasized that of hers when those alone are not what make her attractive.
I could have specified, but if her boobs are exposed then the other appealing bits of her likely would be as well.
It's rated PG-13.
She shows a fair bit of leg.
Why am I having this discussion.
Because life is short and Milla Jovovich is hot.
It sounds like Dogtanian and the Three Muske-hounds was probably a more comprehensive version.
And that had everyone as cartoon dogs.
I've had acid trips more faithful to The Three Musketeers.
I kinda like the Live-Action Disney film. Okay, it's, like, not even CLOSE to the book. But I still really enjoyed it.
^ Are your acid trips often centered around classic french literature?
Yours aren't?
You shall burn for this insult. ...As soon as I work out a way to cross the ocean.
^^ I have Arsene Lupin trips all the time. Those are my favorite novels.
^ RAEG!!!!!!! All of my hatred each time someone mentions that Anime.
Except it's good. Really good.
Except the very title attempts to retcon one of the book series most touching moments. -_-
Lemme try to write it in spoiler cover.
Arsene never told his son his father's real identity. Only Arsene knows the truth, and he made a point to never tell his son he's Lupin's son so said son could build his own life, free from his father's legacy and the burdens that come with it. Especially since he didn't want his son to live a life of crime if he didn't want to. If Lupin's son doesn't know Lupin's his dad, how would his grandson know he's Lupin's grandson? And before you ask, no, no one else knows the truth, except Lupin, and one person who is dead. And anyone who has read the books can tell you that if Lupin wanted to make sure no one found the truth, said truth would be impossible to find. There's literally no way for Lupin III to be CALLED Lupin III, doing so is retconning this whole part where Lupin willfully decides to stay out of his son's life for his son's wellbeing.
In that case I don't think a grandson finding out is actually that farfetched.