A quick guide to the 2012 Republican presidential candidates

Malkavian

For your reading pleasure:

Herman Cain: Recently dropped out, but I still count him for his horrifying and mind-boggling lead in the polls. Among famous statements are that he is a 'leader, not a reader' which is similar to the joke in The Simpsons movie 'I was elected to lead, not to read' and with his closing speech finally outed as an aspiring Pokemon master by quoting Pokemon: the Power of One which is only slightly more hilarious if he had said it was to spend more time with his family.

Donald Trump: Never actually intended to run, but gave some great attention-mongering and comedy in the process. Sadly, almost none of the candidates seemed more sane when serious than Trump when publicity hunting. He was a big part in the witch hunt to get Obama's birth-certificate released, and one policy of how to deal with the debt from Iraq was to forcibly take control of the oil fields.

Michelle Bachmann: "Remember that nightmare you had where the mom from Carrie and The Wicked Witch of the West fused into one? THAT'S MEEEEEEEEHEEEEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEE!"

Newt Gingrich: Former speaker of the house during the Clinton administration. Has shown how disgusted he is by Clinton's disrespect for sanctity of marriage by being in two affairs. Has voiced support for the infamous terrorist group IRA, thinks that child-labor laws should be abolished and children of low-income families should be forced to work as janitors in their schools. He's currently leading in the polls. Sorry, don't have a joke for this guy.

John Huntsman: Former Ambassador to China, as a result is slightly less crazy than other candidates in that he thinks co-operation would be a better option than confrontation with the most populated country in the world.

Gary Johnson: Admittedly not a lot to say about this former governor of New Mexico. He states one of his biggest accomplishments is canning 1200 state workers. Fiscal conservative and socially moderate but hides the last little cancer under the rug.

Ron Paul: The only man in the running with a principled bone in his body. Honest, earnest, intelligent, and the holder of crazy libertarian views. I like Paul, but don't want him anywhere near the executive branch. Honestly I think he does more good as a muckracker and bringing attention to the fucked up shit the fed is pulling.

Rick Perry: Governer of Texas. Has bragged about being a job creator in his state, which has been shown to be a rather nebulous claim. Has continued the policies of George W. Bush as governor. Lead for awhile, then lost that lead to Herman Cain.

Mitt Romney: Largely considered to be the best of a really bad bunch. A right-leaning moderate, Romney has worked hard to sweep that fact under the rug in this crazy-off and has been content to sit in the background while others spewed not-quite-racist-yet bile about Obama. He recently had an interview with Brett Baier where his more left policies have been asked about. Romney didn't take kindly to it. Also looks suspiciously like Reed Richards.

Rick Santorum: Not much about to say about this guy other than some humorous antics. In attempt to bid for relevancy he referenced Lady Gaga and iPads a few times and has a last name that also refers to a sex act.

Fuck this. I'm going to go take twenty showers. Discuss. 

RedEyedAbyss

I am reminded that I can't go anywhere without hearing about U.S. politics even outside the U.S. At least Rick Perry provides ample black comedy (people cheering on the idea of people being killed?!), though I doubt any of them can out-clown Silvio Berlusconi.

707ruz

@ Rick Sanctorum: His last name was the basis for the sex act. He is extremely homophobic, so the gay community named shit-cum after him.

Hatter

You think that this is depressing?

Try being a Republican and reading this shit.

IanExMachina

Newt Gingrich: Former speaker of the house during the Clinton administration. Has shown how disgusted he is by Clinton's disrespect for sanctity of marriage by being in two affairs. Has voiced support for the infamous terrorist group IRA, thinks that child-labor laws should be abolished and children of low-income families should be forced to work as janitors in their schools. He's currently leading in the polls. Sorry, don't have a joke for this guy.

InsanityAddict

Maybe he's using the old IRA/new IRA distinction as a get-out-of-jail-free card?

Malkavian

>Implying Americans care when people who aren't Americans are killed.

All Nines

So, what has Michelle Bachmann done, exactly? I certainly don't doubt that she's crazy, but all I ever hear is that, well, she's crazy.

Hatter

I care. 

I'm an American.

Your argument is false.

MillerCross

Doesn't show up on the vote, though.

Gelzo

>implying I care when anyone is killed

"How does he have backing after voicing support for any kind of terrorism?"

Some conservatives don't see non-Muslim terrorists as terrorists, in my experience.

glennmagusharvey

Chris Christie: Big fat dude who might actually be competent at governing because he has at least half a brain.  However, it's precisely because he has at least half a brain which is why he's not running for president.

Sarah Palin: Former Alaskan former governor and former vice-presidential nominee.  Has demonstrated a great ability at generating lots of excitement among movement conservatives, but just about nothing else.  Her actions and record have, sadly, suggested that she enjoys being able to politically posture for fun and stay involved in politics, but would not want the responsibilities that actually go with governing.

As for the one's you've already mentioned:

Herman Cain: Most interesting major candidate for president this cycle.  He really has come of as a rather clueless civilian suddenly deciding to run for president, and it has been a breath of fresh air.  That said, it also highlighted why we don't just elect any other Joe Schmoe to that office--because you really have to be well-prepared and know a lot of stuff to be able to serve competently.  Granted, movement conservatives sometimes seem to prioritize agenda-pushing over competent governance, but they still know that the president has to deal with foreign policy, and not knowing what happened in Libya is not a sign of confidence.

Rick Perry: Supposedly one of the strongest candidates; got in late and hailed as a winner, coming from the second-largest state and having direct experience with immigration and (some) foreign affairs, and with a proven job creation record.  Though "Governor 39%" really showed how much that was just a façade, but flubbing not once but twice in the debates.  And unfortunately for him, movement conservatives really don't have a heart, at least for illegal immigrants.

Malkavian

Everest: I could state how she believes homosexuality is a satanic act and supports a federal amendment against it or how she said nuking Iran was a viable option but to get the crazy fully you really need to listen to the woman speak. 

All Nines

Duly noted. ._.

IanExMachina

So what are the chances of any of these people getting elected?

Malkavian

Conventional wisdom says that Romney is going to win the long game just by virtue of not being the others. Honestly it's too early to tell and the entire affair so far has been a masturbatory effort on the part of Fox News. 

ClockworkUniverse

Being from Alabama, I know a lot of Republicans who'd take any other candidate over Romney because Romney is a Mormon, and thus apparently evil or something.

I really need to get out of the South.

Midgetsnowman

Being from Missouri, I find that half the republicans flit from new fad to new fad in their quest to find a "good conservative" while ignoring Romney as best they can and ignoring any evidence that Reagan wasnt anywhere near as extreme as their current crop. or theyre the even m ore wingnut variety that support Ron Paul but at least use evidence occasionally to back up how fucked up other conservatives are.

Gelzo

I wonder what it's going to take for the typical Republican voter to vote for Obama.

Forzare

^ I'll get back to you once Hell freezes over.

All Nines

What Forz said; no matter how whacked-out the Republican candidate is that makes it through, Republicans will still vote for them, as if it's Obama's fault the country is in its current situation and not Congress's.

Forzare

If God himself came down from heaven to address the Republicans of America, and said "Guys.  Obama is the second coming of Jesus Christ.  Vote for him plzkthx,' the republicans wouldn't vote for him.

Midgetsnowman

Theyd probably assume Obama was actually thr antichrist and that the God they saw was a false god and an obvious sign the Rapture had begun.

Gelzo

I'd like to think that a good proportion would reluctantly vote for him if the candidate was as buttfuck insane as, say, Bachmann. Maybe that's naive.

DonZabu

Do one for the Democrat candidates next!

Gelzo

Man, there are just so many Democratic candidates for president, I wouldn't know which one to snark about.

Icalasari

Aww, they can't be THAT ba-

*reads the list*

...So, I'm considering becoming an alcoholic. Anybody with me?

ClockworkUniverse

By "typical Republican" do you mean "a normal Republican" or "the kind of Republican you actually hear about?"

Because a lot of the former kind think Bachmann's insane enough that Obama would be preferable. The latter kind, meanwhile, are the reason why anyone takes Bachmann seriously at all.

Gelzo

I don't know very many people who identify as Republicans, so I don't know how big the distinction is.

ClockworkUniverse

I know a lot of Republicans, and only one of them doesn't think Bachmann's nuts.

glennmagusharvey

Are there any Republican activists who are nuts themselves who think that Bachmann is nuts?

If so, then that would explain why Bachmann is not getting the nomination.