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Dungeons and Dragons 2: Wrath of the Dragon God
2011-11-30 18:51:45
edited 2011-11-30 18:54:11 in Liveblogging
One foot in front of the other, every day.
Haven't heard of this movie? Neither had I. Thanks, /tg/.
For those who don't know, the first film was an ill fated attempt. That doesn't even really need qualification; it was a D&D movie that tried to cover as much ground as possible, and ended up buying into the stereotypes of the setting. There was really no level the film succeeded on for its time frame, and it ended up coming across as an 80s fantasy well after the end of that era. This is in the days of 3.5, mind.
All the same, it was kinda charming at times, and I could see what they're trying to do. All the same D&D simply doesn't have enough focus for a film, I think. And if one were to impose focus, it would end up missing a lot of material and become thematically linked to the subject matter of the film and D&D would be lost. Besides, there's just too much gamey... stuff. One of the best D&D films I've heard of is a comedy fan film, wherein the action cuts between the players in-character, sets and all, and them sitting at the gaming table being mundane. That's how you reconcile something as variable, bizarre and unfocused as D&D with a focused medium.
So, what about this film? All I know is that it has dragons and IMDB has it at 4.9 out of 10. This should be fun, eh?
For those who don't know, the first film was an ill fated attempt. That doesn't even really need qualification; it was a D&D movie that tried to cover as much ground as possible, and ended up buying into the stereotypes of the setting. There was really no level the film succeeded on for its time frame, and it ended up coming across as an 80s fantasy well after the end of that era. This is in the days of 3.5, mind.
All the same, it was kinda charming at times, and I could see what they're trying to do. All the same D&D simply doesn't have enough focus for a film, I think. And if one were to impose focus, it would end up missing a lot of material and become thematically linked to the subject matter of the film and D&D would be lost. Besides, there's just too much gamey... stuff. One of the best D&D films I've heard of is a comedy fan film, wherein the action cuts between the players in-character, sets and all, and them sitting at the gaming table being mundane. That's how you reconcile something as variable, bizarre and unfocused as D&D with a focused medium.
So, what about this film? All I know is that it has dragons and IMDB has it at 4.9 out of 10. This should be fun, eh?
Comments
The prologue introduces an artefact plot. Who I presume to be the evildoer wants this macguffin so as to unleash unspeakable destruction on the land. I don't know why. Also, we get to see a map of a standard D&D dungeon layout. While the shout-outs are kind of charming, they also invariably bring one outside of the experience. I'm beginning to think this is the kind of film best shared with one's RP group in a couple of hours of affectionate self-parody.
So our villain is already dead, apparently. I'll assume he's a Lich. He has the whole black cloak and hood thing going on, too. Oh wait. He takes the artefact, which appears to be a Palantir or whatever, gets shocked by electricity and is now "free of this undead curse". But if he's a sentient non-vampire undead, doesn't that make him a Lich by default? How does one just accidentally become a Lich? There are thousands of wizards and sorcerers that would and have killed for such an opportunity. Unless there's some kind of independent, sentient, undead enemy type I'm not aware of.
Apparently this isn't a Palantir, but the "Orb of Vallasur" or something. I'm not sure how to spell it. Now this guy seems to want to play cockhockey with Ishmir.
Scene change!
I think we're meeting our hero. He's looking out a window at some soldiers (knights, if their heavy armour is any indication) training with swords, ignoring some older guy talking about sewer laws and crops and "acting now" and other boring crap that isn't swords. So far, he's referred to as "My Lord" and that's good enough for me. My Lord is bitching about only ever doing paperwork these days. The older guy chews My Lord out about giving a shit about swords, but My Lord just steps out to get a closer look at the training.
The sword fighting in this is pretty horrendous. I mean, I wasn't expecting greatness, but it falls prey to every possible mistake commonly associated with film. My Lord calls out to some "Valarius" guy and affectionately scolds him, advising him to fight more aggressively, claiming that he "parries when [he] should attack".
>implying that aggressive and defensive actions are seperate
Apparently Valarius is captain of the King's Guard.
This does not bode well for our heroes. At least, I expect we'll end up with a reasonably balanced party. If this is going to be awful and charming, let's at least have stereotypical D&D diversity.
Valarius is an asshole. He suggests that he and My Lord do a different kind of jousting and I'm all ready for a gay joke, but instead he suggests they "joust with quills", dashing my hopes for homophobic comedy. Apparently, My Lord is actual "Sir Berrec".
The quality of the swordfighting sharply (pfft hehehe) increases. The technique is still pretty shit, but at least it's moving fast now and there's something of a sense of urgency. Whoever edited this movie did a terrible job -- for all the appreciable mediocrity of the sword fight, I can't follow a thing because of how the camera changes and how said changes aren't synced with sound effect alterations. In addition, a slow motion bit is actually just a smaller amount of frames played over a larger amount of time, so it looks like a slideshow rather than slow motion.
My Lord Berrec wins, and all I really gathered is that he used his free hand to smack Valarius around a bit.
Actually, Valarius let Berrec win. I wish I liked Valarius so this seemed noble, but I don't so it seems like a wuss out. Valarius gives Berrec a one liner about "sheathing one's sword for good" and I'm ready for a gay joke, but the music just swells and Valarius walks away.
Scene change.
She rubs the stuff between her hands and chants something. Berrec walks in and she looks to him in shock and kind of loses her shit, as if he walked in on her masturbating or something. She probably shouldn't be masturbating in the library.
Apparently they're husband and wife. She's a pretty shitty wizard, yammering something about "divine magic". Lady best have some levels in cleric. She's talking about unlocking the secrets of divine magic, which we all know is impossible, and this all rightly goes over Berrec's head. He's all passive-aggressive about it, too: "Well, don't let me stand between you and greatness".
So she starts her chant again, succeeding in creating a small shockwave and setting some gloves on fire.
I am beginning to doubt her credentials at this stage.
So some other guy comes in and there's an evil in his village. Plot seed out of nowhere, but alright. After a few seconds of riding through the night, the three of them are inside a cave, where two men apparently went to seek out evil. They come to a chamber where the ground is covered in a green, swirling mist. Poison, apparently. The mage effortly disperses it with a spell, so I'm not sure why it was there in the first place.
Apparently the gas comes from some "unkown source of evil, deep in the mountain". How did you know that, Mage? Did you scrye? I did not see you do that. Sneaky Mage.
Turns out the mountainous poison gas vents aren't vents, but the nostrils of a slumbering dragon.
Okay, so they're back in the spunk library and Mage tries using a vision spell to decipher some old books that might hold the key to destroying a black dragon. Instead, she scries the bad guy. Apparently she screamed during the scrying and her table exploded, which would've been awesome to see. These old books are linked to the bad guy, and just so happened to fall into proper formation after the explosion. We know because they suddenly give off light. When we get a good look at them, the covers, arranged corner to corner so the inner sides form a square, depict a diamond shape.
It's amazing it took them that long.
The books form together into one massive tome.
Next morning, the two are sleeping hunched over the desk. Some old arrogant-looking guys walk in and wake them up by slamming a staff against the ground.They accuse Mage of fabricating a story about dragons and poisons, but Berrec backs her up.
And now it's time for exposition. Bleh.
Not necessarily. There are settings like Greyhawk, Dragonlance and of coures Forgotten Realms, which are pseudo-medieval pseudo-European fantasy, but there are also other settings of other genres. AD&D had quite a number of apparently interesting ones (as my knowledge is mostly limited to video games, I can't judge them fully, but especially Dark Sun and Planescape seemed pretty interesting to me), but they got killed by WOTC in the transition to the third edition. While Forgotten Realms is still allowed to live due to it's inexplicable popularity.
tl;dr Forgotten Realms is boring and it sucks. Maybe it seems to bland to me due to it being pretty much the fantasy RPG setting (and I have the feeling that I "visited" thousands of times by playing, even unlicensed unrelated RPGs), but I still don't like it. Then again, my opinion of D&D isn't very high in general...
Anyway, I didn't know that there is a second movie. I saw the first one one time, but I didn't really pay attention, so I can't even say how bad it is, but the fact that I didn't pay attention certainly doesn't speak well of it in itself. And so far it doesn't seem that the second is much better.
Also, Planescape: Torment is better.
Middle Earth was post-Roman Europe with some Crusade-era technology followed by a healthy dose of pan-European mythology, for instance. Warhammer Fantasy does better than either at providing a good gaming setting, as it gives the freedom associated with tabletop games while providing a rich backdrop of Renaissance era Germany, playing as many tropes as possible straight within a more scientific and enlightened era.
Great settings are about a combination of the familiar and the fantastic. A lot of fantasy falls into the trap of being too fantastic for shits and giggles rather than considering the actual implications of those elements. Think about all the settings that make magic common and mundane, but still expect the audience to be impressed. They invariably come across like Dragonball Z.
needs moar english
Every time there's magic in a setting, I feel that either it ought to be actually rare and valuable, or have a bunch of mundane utilities.
I'm not sure why actually, maybe it's because many countries are a mish-mash of more-or-less well know cultures (think, for instance, of a Holy Roman Empire with sort-of Ireland and a Russia/Poland/Other slavic cultures mix among it's countries).
Although the "other continent" is quite a bit weirder and designed as High Fantasy (ironically, it seemed that magic is rare there at the beginning, but with the release of the magic source book, a few years ago, it became "more magical"), with many non-human races.