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Finishing a short story for Creative Writing...
....And then not being sure if it's good.
We are going to start making short stories in Creative Writing. I started sketching out mine early. I just finished the rough draft. I have no idea if it is good.
Depending on who reads it, it is either:
-A nonsensical story that tries to be deep and mind screwy but ends up being a dumbass piece of pretentiouss jackfuckery with a complete ass pull at the end
-An interesting story that is very ambigious and dreamy but pulls out a serious plot twist at the end that turns it into a Mind Fuck loaded with symbolism
This will probably be the first.
I must refine it....
Comments
Do you want me to summarize the plot? I can do it in about half an hour, when I can get to a computer.
Well, no one answered, but I feel like summarizing it anyway so screw it:
The story starts with the main character, Elisa, introducing herself. Elisa narrates the story in a very dreamy and distanced from reality tone.
First, Elisa says that she lives in a mall, in her parents's small electronics store. There's a room in the back that she can sleep in. She's lived there for a year.
She says she loves to walk around the mall. But no one ever notices her. The massive crowd acts like she doesn't exist. Even when she tries to talk to someone, they ignore her. Even cashiers say nothing to her, they merely ring up a purchase and hold their hands out for the money. Even her own parents ignore her.
She works as a volunteer cook for a resturant called Garmand's. But she just steals the food she cooks. No one else goes to the restruant anyway. It's not like it matters much.
Today is a special day for her, though. At midnight, she is to go to a fountain in the center of the mall, and wait. She must go. She cannot refuse. She says that she won't be so lonely if she does. But she still doesn't want to do it.
She must bring three items to the fountain: A doll. A diamond. A sword.
She goes for the doll first. Inside a hobby store, there is a set of 300 dolls, in a circle. All of them are red, except for the one at the very center, which is white--this is the one she needs. She steals it. No one notices. Not even the store owner.
She gets very nervous about the upcoming event. She recalls an "incident", but neglects to mention it anymore.
She goes and steals the diamond. It's the size of large gumball.
She recalls more of the incident. Someone forced her to sign a contract. She curses herself for being so weak. She signed it at school. If she had had the strength to refuse, her friends wouldn't have gotten in so much trouble, or so she says.
She goes to get the sword, which is actually a family heirloom buried underneath the floor of their shop. She steals it--it's in a glass case and is extremely intricate and well-made. Her parents do not notice.
She thinks about the incident again. She finally says what it is: A year before, a gas pipe in her school exploded, destroying it entirely. She was at the center of the school.
She was sure to die, but a woman in white appeared before her and healed her. But, as a fee, this woman forced Elisa to sign a contract. Supposedly, Elisa signing this allowed this woman to "do her job".
After gathering everything, Elisa waits. She goes to the fountain when it is midnight. The woman who miraculously saved her life stands in front of her.
She motions for the doll. When she recieves it, she paints it a bloody crimson. She then gives it back to Elisa, who takes it back to the doll store and puts it in the middle of the circle. All the dolls are now red.
She motions for the diamond. She takes it and crushes it into dust with her foot.
She motions for the sword. Elisa gives it to her.
They have this conversation. This is the only dialogue in the whole story.
"You know who I am."
"You are the judge." I responded.
"I am. But I am also the executioner. Of humanity. I saved your life, and then forced you to sign a contract."
"A contract that let you finish your job: to slaughter all of humanity for The Greater Good."
"Yes. And now, I am here to kill the person who allowed me to do my work."
"...I hate you."
"You don't hate me. You love me. All beings love me."
"That's only what your insane and cruel mind thinks."
She raised her sword in the air.
"I am not cruel. I am God."
SCHNK
....And then it just ends there.
The point is to be an utter mind fuck and make you wonder who the hell this woman is, if she is really God or simply insane. And to surprise the hell out of you.
Piece of shit IE.
I can see a few points here:-
1. The people who own shops in shopping malls don't live in them, unless they like breaching their leases. You'd be better off having the family own a normal shop on a street and live in a flat above it or something.
2. What kind of restaurant takes on volunteer staff and then doesn't fire them for stealing? I'm not eating there.
3. A diamond the size of a large gumball? Has she just robbed the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London? Also, diamond is the hardest substance known - you'd never shatter one that size with your foot. A small one, maybe.
4. If the family really owned a valuable old sword, they would probably keep it in a bank vault. If your character has to steal a diamond from a jewellers, make it a pawnshop too, then she can steal an antique sword from there.
More generally, is the point of the story that this is The Last Woman, "God" having slaughtered everyone else? It's not very clear from your summary.
Her family didn't live there. Remember, the contract was signed a year ago. Elisa holed up in it because there was no other place to go.
"What kind of restaurant takes on volunteer staff and then doesn't fire them for stealing? I'm not eating there"
Remember: everyone is dead. Garmand doesn't actually let her work there, he's dead. EVERYONE is dead. The reason why no one talks to her or notices her? They're all dead.
Elisa is insane at this point. She thinks all the dead bodies around here are alive. The "crowds" of people are just masses of dead bodies everywhere.
"3. A diamond the size of a large gumball? Has she just robbed the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London? Also, diamond is the hardest substance known - you'd never shatter one that size with your foot. A small one, maybe."
Huh. I didn't know that diamonds that size were rare.
Anyway, this woman is a horrific being sent to execute all of humanity. She can crush a diamond with her foot. She friggin' killed all of humanity except for one girl with the simple signing of a contract.
"4. If the family really owned a valuable old sword, they would probably keep it in a bank vault. If your character has to steal a diamond from a jewellers, make it a pawnshop too, then she can steal an antique sword from there."
I'll think about that.
"More generally, is the point of the story that this is The Last Woman, "God" having slaughtered everyone else? It's not very clear from your summary."
Basically:
This woman has been sent to execute all humanity. It's intentionaly left ambigious who she is, or why she has this job.
However, in order to carry out the execution, she needs permission from being who is part of the species of she is to execute. When Elisa was "killed", this woman saved her from certain death, but then, as a fee, forced her to sign a contract granting permission--permission to kill all of humanity.
Elisa wasn't killed because she signed the contract. The Woman left, and came back a year later to kill her.
The Doll represents Death-all of the red dolls in the store are embodiments of all the people who were killed, except the white one, which is the still-alive Elisa. When she is killed, the doll is painted red to signify her death. With it placed back, all of the dolla are red--all of humanity is dead.
The diamond signifies The Destruction of Humanity. The sheer ease of the act is how easy it was for the woman to kill humanity. However, the diamond is also Purity--it's destruction shows off the destruction of Elisa's purity (as she pretty much was mind-raped into signing the contract).
The Sword is simply Execution/Judgement.
As for the Woman herself, she may be God. She may be some other kind of creature who is deluded to find herself God.
Or she could be an abstraction of the fact that Elisa is actually the one who was to kill all of humanity, and deludedly believed that this woman existed. Then she would have commited suicide in the ending, instead of being killed (This isn't "true", but it's an interesting interpreation nonetheless).
Diamonds are hard. The term means that they're difficult to scratch and nothing else. They're quite brittle, though; you can smash one with a hammer without much difficulty.