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Doing Stupid Things in an Aisle (Probably NSFW)
You are a person of indiscriminate gender and other physical characteristics in a Supermarket aisle. Your Cart, for some inexplicable reason, is completely filled with nothing but liters of Root Beer. You're not sure why.
The Aisle is filled with nothing but bad imported German beer. You're not sure why of that either. You would fancy a drink, but that would be illegal.
In front of you is a random man.
You are really bored.
(Do whatever utterly insane things you want. I will pick three actions and do them in what order makes the most sense)
(I have only an Ipod, so I may be somewhat slow to reply)
(I know that this is similar to the Text-Adventure game "Aisle". It's where I got the idea)
Comments
If so, I choose "Walk away."
Utterly bored, you proceed to make a beer bottle bola.
You then proceed to chucknit at the man's feet. It explodes in a massive shower if liquid and shitty german flavor, making him slip and slide across the floor in a manner not unlike a person attempting to kill themselves with a frozen-over lake. You once saw your friend do that once. You hated him, anyway.
>Find a small person and run them over with the shopping cart
Well aware that it probably would be a bad idea to stick around after smashing a guy with a bola, you run full-speed through the store. A cadre of security guards are dispatched to take you out. With mere seconds to make a decision, you decide to run over a nearby shopper. The sickening crunch of their bones as you utterly smash them with the cart is oddly satifying.
You have issues
>Walk away
That's probably not a good idea right now
Given that you have already killed someone and severely injured another in a mildly comedic way, you see no choice but to attack the guards.
"Stop!" One annoyingly fat one says. You make him his first target.
With a burst of steam, you fly into him, sending him and you flying. As you fly through the air, you have an oddly philosophical thought. You think about life, death, existence, morality, and other things that can pad out the plot.
Both of you smash your necks into the ground. While he dies, you do not because you are the main character and have plot armor.
A kid yells to his mother, "Look, mommy!" to which she replies by telling him to shut up.
You feel rather pained, but fine. There is root beer everywhere on the floor.
You feel filled with energy. Leaping off the ground, you run to the kid, and, pulling off a beautiful spin as you twirl through the air, butterfly kick the shit out of him. He explodes from the sheer awesome, his blood and bits making such beautiful arcs that it drives God himself to tears. Great rain falls from the sky as he imbues you with enough power to kill Chuck Norris, or possibly someone else memetically powerful.
>Then kidnap the kid after kicking him and sacrifice him to an elder god
You do your best to pick up the kids blood gibs and run to the grill section. Everyone else is too amazed by the bloody art on the walls to notice.
You quickly sacrifice the kid's body to an elder god. God himself gets really pissed, but fuck him. You feel that this is a bad idea right now, but you're bored so screw it.
You are lifted up outside of the store, into the deepest reachee of space. There, an Elder God gives you power. What it is, you don't know. The whole experience makes no sense, but it kinda awesome.
You wake up in a Mcdonalds filled with fat fucks who can't stop eating there. A woman is orderigmng chicken nuggets. In the bench next to you, a man consumes a Big Mac with fried. On the TV is a news report about your insane antics at the Supermarket.
In your hands are a firecracker and a can of soda. No one looks at you oddly. Your appearence must have changed.
In front of you lies a awful-tasting salad.
Sadly enough, despite your efforts, it still tastes really bad.
>Turn can in Can of Holding
Okay.
You do that.
You somehow find an elephant and hide it in the can. Somehow. Strangely enough, no one notices.
>Sacrifice nearest dog to Jesus for forgiveness with the firecracker
You spot a nearby dog. Charming it with your skills, you let it follow you into a nearby alley.
"OH JAYSUS, FORGIIIIIIIIIVEEEEE MEEEEEE!!!!!"
The dog then explodes in a massive shower of blood and gore, littering every place with blood. There is no way this one dog had this much blood.
Unfortunately, Jesus isn't Korean. You are shocked with divine lightning, but survive. Jesus then nukes you, but you survive that anyway. He gives up.
You walk back to the Mcdonalds.
>Use your powers on your powers!
Okay.
You attempt to do that.
It rips open a massive hole in the space-time continuum, basically making the entire restruant explode. You wonder if this is really what your powers are intended for.
You will not miss the shitty food, however.
That's going to require you traveling and managing to make it there without blowing up half the world.
Okay.
You blow up half the world.
This has certainly been proved to be an interesting day.
It takes several weeks of walking to find a live baby, but you do.
You use your powers on it.
It becomes more psychotic than a heroin addict, leaping at you with insane rage. You die, because babies are just that fucking awesome.
You are revived. The world is set right once more. You are in a hipster cafe, like a Starbucks, but not a Starbucks because that would require me to pay license fees.
In front of you lies an over-sweetend coffee. It tastes like pretentious statements and jackassery. On the radio blares a song by a band you've probably never heard of.
In your hands are a newspaper and dollar bill.
Because you love fucking over the world that damn much, you make the dollar bill into a knife. Not a good one. But a knife nonetheless.
You make the newspaper into a mask.
You then run upto the cash register, and stab the cashier with the knife. She bleeds profusely, in ways that make hipsters look up from their hipster bullshit. Being completely unaware of the fact that you are a psycho, they think the whole thing is one big act that has deeper meaning.
One man comes up to you.
"Hello, I am-"
You take the Cash register and smash it into his face so hard his fac contorts into utter pain as he flys back and explodes.
The Hipsters applaud you on your breathtaking art as you rip open the cash register and steal the money for god knows what reason. You really are starting to get annoyed by these guys.
In a psychotic rage, you murder every single one of the hipsters, annihilating the utter fuck out of them, watching as they get town to ribbons by your Dollar Knife of FuckAwesome. You then Butterfly Kick the final one, tears pouring down your eyes as you remember the boy. But these are tears of joy, of mirth, as you send the Hipster into the glass wall, shattering everything.
Your god sends you a sword as a reward. A sword made of bacon.
Oh fuck yes.