It Awes Me: Iron Man and X-O Manowar In Heavy Metal

Glowsquid

I am overjoyed. For, I have seen the light.

 

You see, for the longest time, I believed video gaming was a lost medium. A worthless supplier of intellectually-bankrupt drivel destined only to the most worthless troglodyte. An incestuous industry designed to stupidify, exploit and keep uneducated the common trash. And who was I to contradict that? Despite the base and repugnant pleasure I experienced while playing these "games", it's not like I could meaningfully respond to the critics.

 

Of course, most of entertainment is similarly devoid of merit. But all other art forms had a champion, a works reaching true transcendence, rising from crude consumer products to respectable work of art to be enjoyed by the intellectual elite. Works such as Beethoven's 5th Symphony, Citizen Kane and Goro Goro Iki. The medium needed such a saviour.

 

And I found it.

 

 

IMAXOMIHM is perhaps one of the riskiest crossover in the history of both comic books and video games, the union of Marvel’s Iron Man and Valiant Comic’s X-O Manowar. I mean, a guy in a red armour. Teaming up with a guy in a blue armour. Unthinkable.

 

But a daring premise is nothing with a good execution, and this is another area where IMAXOMIHM succeeds brilliantly. The innovative premise, dealing with the unearthing of the mythical COSMIC CUBE (ORIGINAL MACGUFFIN DO NOT STEAL) and the race between good and evil to obtain its never-explained but presumably totally bizznasty powers, is wonderfully supported by emotional character moments. Subplots such as Tony Stark's 329th struggle with alcoholism, X-O Manowar's time-inappropriate pederasty and the moral ramifications of the Patriot Act are handled with subtlety and grandiose. The narrative is not afraid to give the spotlight to less mainstream-friendly but loved characters such as Spider Alien and Darkan Gladiator. All of this illustrated with gorgeous, gut-wrenching computer generated scenes which are rumoured to have been the chief inspiration for Pete Docter while working on Up.

 

And the music, oh my, the music! Played with the highest quality instruments and composed with the utmost care, all of its tracks (all three of them!) will comfort, guide and shape you as you reach enlightenment. The style, best described as Mozart as played by Limp Bizkit, defies qualification.

 

And the graphics.... wait, graphics? Do I have to use such an undignified noun to describe the sheer visual ecstasy of IMAXOMIHM? No, I won’t.

 

Astute readers will notice that I have yet to mention the so-called meat of the gaming medium, the meaningless hotchpotch of disparate concepts known as “gameplay”. I admit, it is its only flaw. For, all the genuine mastery delivered in every tangential aspects of this masterpiece, all of it is unfortunately framed by a side-scrolling shooter. And while blasting the shit out of alien motherfuckers may sound appealing to the common man, it is a profoundly mindless activity.

 

But despite this unfortunate limitation, IMAXOMIHM somehow manages to insert biting satire in its interactive elements. For example, despite being a rich millionaire wearing one bitchin’ suit of armour. Iron Man  is completely unable to shoot directly above himself, making him vulnerable to foes and attack that would be otherwise trivial. This meta-commentary serves to parody the hubris of the western man, who, despite having the most advanced technology and the most fearsome weapons at his disposal, cannot bother to think up even the most basic strategy. And you only have to trudge through the lacking interactive portions once, as the game supplies short and easy to remember passwords after each levels. How considerate!

 

Iron Man and X-O Manowar in Heavy Metal is truly magnificent. If you neglect to acquire Acclaim's gift to the common plebeian, you are intellectually lacking. Oui, I acknowledge that may sound condescending, but that is a fact. If you are a worthy patron of the arts, you will not in the slightest hesitate to obtain this piece of---ahahahahahah, who am I kidding, this game sucks.