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Gaijin
Ahhh, console video games (or vidcons as I call
them), the ultimate medium of expression, able to convey any emotion ranging
from hatred to love, loyalty to fear, all in front of our eyes. Ah, and with
lovingly crafted art, music, and the ability to control the action, vidcons are
the ultimate combination of the high arts. While I tend to play the stoic, I
will be the first to admit that vidcons have driven me to cry, to scream and
shout, to feel actual hate; such is the power of this force beyond our wildest
reckoning. And here I am, before you, to tempt your tongues with the taint of
such a tantalizing topic. And the Japanese, the true geniuses behind the world
of video games. Pah, I throw my scorn upon such incompetents of the West who
would mock the true art of the Japanese with 'games' such as Baldur's Gate and
Madden. Perhaps it is that the West is not as intelligent as the East, but this
is a matter for another day. Japan has given us such masterpieces as the Final
Fantasy series, Star Ocean, Wild Arms, and of course, Arc the Lad. Yes, some of
the finest vidcons in the world were created by Japanese. I come to you today to
ask you in all earnesty, what is your favorite vidcon? I will reveal mine after
the grand debate has illustriously begun, but not before the first poster falls
victim to my plot of discussion.
It has come to my attention that in certain circles, simian-minded individuals are refering to vidcons as 'vid cons', ignorantly placing a space between 'vid' and 'con'. Perhaps their brains have dulled by years of Madden and Quake, rather than mentally invigorating games such as Arc the Lad and Growlanser, because even a child could tell that placing a space between the 'vid' and 'con' in vidcon is perhaps more profoundly philistine than a certain American administration that need not be named. Placing a space in vidcon completely belittles the meaning of the word and displays the user's blatantly miniscule intellect and misunderstanding of the basic precepts of grammar. Vidcon is a perfect marriage of the words console and video game, creating a short and effective portmanteau that quickly and accurately labels mentioned objects and anybody who does not immediately recognize 'vid con' as absolutely outrageous clearly lacks the mental faculties to correctly operate a vidcon other than perhaps FIFA Sports. I make this point because I have recently been belligerently barraged by imbecillic 'vid con' references that unnerve me to no end and have taken it upon myself to correct the damage that your poor Western education (though this is a subject to be discussed on a later date) has wrought upon you. You should personally thank me that I did not see it fit to correct your preponderous mistake in Japanese, because I am thoroughly positive your neanderthal mind would be incapable of deciphering the Hiragana from the Katakana.
It has come to my attention that in certain circles, simian-minded individuals are refering to vidcons as 'vid cons', ignorantly placing a space between 'vid' and 'con'. Perhaps their brains have dulled by years of Madden and Quake, rather than mentally invigorating games such as Arc the Lad and Growlanser, because even a child could tell that placing a space between the 'vid' and 'con' in vidcon is perhaps more profoundly philistine than a certain American administration that need not be named. Placing a space in vidcon completely belittles the meaning of the word and displays the user's blatantly miniscule intellect and misunderstanding of the basic precepts of grammar. Vidcon is a perfect marriage of the words console and video game, creating a short and effective portmanteau that quickly and accurately labels mentioned objects and anybody who does not immediately recognize 'vid con' as absolutely outrageous clearly lacks the mental faculties to correctly operate a vidcon other than perhaps FIFA Sports. I make this point because I have recently been belligerently barraged by imbecillic 'vid con' references that unnerve me to no end and have taken it upon myself to correct the damage that your poor Western education (though this is a subject to be discussed on a later date) has wrought upon you. You should personally thank me that I did not see it fit to correct your preponderous mistake in Japanese, because I am thoroughly positive your neanderthal mind would be incapable of deciphering the Hiragana from the Katakana.
Comments
It should be no surprise to
anyone with a passing familiarity with vidcons that pocky is the ideal food to
snack on when playing mentioned object (although 'playing' is an inappropriate
word, because you experience, rather than play, a vidcon; I shall use 'playing'
for the sake of simplicity). For those ignorant to the intricacies of this fine
Japanese cuisine, imagine a delicate stick of sweetened bread about the width
and length of a chopstick, its tip coated in the richest chocolate imaginable.
The bold flavor of the chocolate is complimented by the small nuts that caress
the tip, creating a culinary juxtaposition of sweetness and saltiness that can
only have been hatched in the mind of a chef versed in the subtle paradoxes of
Eastern cooking. They are light and easy to eat and hold, useful for vidconning
on the go, and their sugar content add that extra boost for late night vidcons.
Therefore, pocky has garnered itself the precious title of "Ultimate Vidcon
Snack". Perhaps the only drawback of pocky is its limited availability in the
West, though this cannot be attributed to the snack itself, but the infuriating
baboons that think they are running grocery stores.
I never thought I'd
see such blatant trolling as I have in this forum. Step away from the computer,
drop the ham sandwich and back the FRACK off, gaijin. I hate to use that word
but you've made me that serious. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, some of
us here are actual fans of the Final Fantasy series (pre FFX) and Square's work
in general. You can try to bash me for an avatar that I bought because I happen
to be a dedicated fan of perhaps the most poignant, painstakingly woven tapestry
of love, loss and vengeance ever to be put from pen to paper, but you would
fail, just like all of you flamers do in real life. Who can say that the minds
at Square Enix (note: appropriate portmanteau is SQUENIX, not the laughable
SQUEENIX) were not inspired by the works of William Shakespeare or Chuck
Palahniuk? Cloud's bastard sword has more akin with the bastard sons of Macbeth
than it does any armament of basilard of the time. The Honey Bee Club in Midgar
reminds me more of the Fight Clubs than any brothel. So please, use your brains,
not your sarcasm, and step up to the intellectual plate, or leave this forum and
take your "haterade" with you.
The differences between Japanese and
American vidcon consumers are as blatant as the differences between seasons 1
and 2 of Otomoe wa Boku ni Koishiteru (a nod to my fellow Otomoe wa Boku ni
Koishiteru enthusiasts). Whereas the Japanese vidcon consumer is informed and
discriminating in his or her purchases and endeavors, his American counterpart
acts as a foil, stumbling blindly through the vidcon department at K-Mart,
groping for the first vidcon with enough explosions or mammaries on the cover to
slake their slavering decidedly non-intellectual lusts. Their hunger for Western
garbage such as Madden and Halo is fueled by an almost sub-human ignorance that
is as profound in the rest of their lives as it is in their choosing of vidcons.
This disgusting display of American mass stupidity is no doubt the result of
Christian indoctrination, adding another point on the list of reasons why the
Japanese are more intelligent than the West, as contemptuous Western culture has
left its people with little more than swiss cheese brains and an unquenchable
urge for repeat football vidcons.
Bravo.
Among the most prominent Japanese
composers (although I use the word 'Japanese' superfluously, as even the most
well-known American composers are barely competent at best), one in particular
stands out to the enlightened vidcon soundtrack consumer. His name: Yasunori
Mitsuda. For the record, this is not to undermine the amazing works of other
incredibly talented vidcon composers such as Uematsu-san or Sakuraba-san, but to
highlight the unique, almost celto-tropic music (the word music is an
understatement) that Yasunori Mitsuda has been composing for years. It would be
sheer ignorance to deny that the Chrono Cross soundtrack is anything but the
magnum opus of vidcon music; its lilting and oftentimes hauntingly peaceful
guitar melodies soothe all but the most savage of breasts while its tense battle
themes and mysterious donjon tunes ignite a blazing passion that can be quenched
only by the vidcon's profound story and gameplay. It is a wonder that anyone can
listen to anything besides vidcon musical compositions after listening to
Mitsuda-san's immensely powerful soundtrack, but given that the primitive thuds
of hip hop are America's current choice of 'music' (I use the term music
liberally), once can see little hope in the mass appreciation of Mitsuda-san's
work.
There is, perhaps, only one medium of art that matches the
excellence of vidcons and that is (obviously) visual kei. Combining absolutely
exquisite j-rock and j-pop, sprinkled with hints of vidcon melodies, with the
pyrotechnic visual flare that the Japanese are known for, visual kei takes its
viewers on a rollercoaster ride of lights, fanfare, and music that even
Beethoven could tap his toes to. Would that I were Japanese, (though under
careful scrutiny, it appears my geneology tree does in fact show signs of a
Japanese presence) I too would participate in this art of the 21st century and
even perhaps venture onto the visual kei stage myself. It is no surprise that
the impotent minds of Western society cannot fully grasp the total splendor of
visual kei and instead choose to squandor their time listening to rap and
country "music".
In the course of my career as a vidcon specialist (my
own coinage, spend it wisely), I have never seen such blatant and frankly,
sickening ignorance as that exhibited by the "people" (if, in fact, they are
homo sapiens at all, as their intelligence implies elsewise) that claim that
Zelda is not an RPG. There is nothing that Shigeru "Shiggy" Miyamoto could
possibly do to make the vidcon any more of an RPG as it meets every single
criterion for being one, particularly that it takes place in an imaginary realm
with a fantastical beastiary, the damsel/villain ratio is at or above standards,
and that the core emphasis of the gameplay is on bedazzling all foes with
impeccable swords and sorcery. Furthermore, this line of thought can be extended
to all vidcons in which the player controls a character (hence, roleplaying),
though I cringe slightly at the thought of such mundane vidcons as Madden being
RPGs, as they do not even include exotic weaponry such as the tonfa.
It should be no surprise to my more-informed viewers that the topic of my discussions would eventually fall to the well-established artform of eroge (known to laymen as "hentai vidcons", though this is a false moniker as the vidcons deal with far more than mere hentai). Much-beloved in the East, these games are sadly, and one might even say expectedly, decried in the West as bastions of perversion and pedophilia for portraying extremely young girls in erotic situations. A person who looks at pictures of fictional little girls isn't necessarily sexually attracted to them. What if (s)he finds them cute? Despite the obvious flaws in the anti-eroge constituency, they continue to claim that eroge are sad, cartoon versions of sex for manchildren that promote rape, pedophilia, and abuse towards women. The logic used seems quite silly, because then people who enjoy killing or raping in games would be classified as murderers/rapists in real life. Come on. It's a fantasy, it's inside your head. Get educated. I recommend Kana: Little Sister, Rape Academy 2, or Crescendo to start with.
I uh, while I am impressed with your typing ability, I myself lack such attention span...
They can make a góód time!
"Vidcons"? Does anybody actually do this?
is real. It's in the B-ball Dimension and it was a real rant somebody wrote
about the game. The other one is the one in the sewers. My buddy asked if he
could write one so I said sure. He stole it from Something Awful almost verbatim
and it made me kind of mad when I found out, but I didn't know about SA at the
time. The first pump is one I wrote when I was like 14 or 15 as a joke. One of
the guys I made the game with, bort, used to be called Turkpimp. My friends made
a series of other games where Turkpimp became bastardized into truck pump. The
idea is that it's bort saying all of it, even though it's nothing like
him."
> impliying Myrmidon has written all of this