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-UE
If you use an @yahoo.com email or any related Yahoo services, they have blocked us also due to "user complaints"
-UE
To the Heapers
Hope y'all have a Merry Christmas, new year/decade and hope you all are doing well.
Comments
When you don't appreciate what you have, and drag others down, you can't be surprised when you are pushed away forever. Forever is a very long time. Even when I'm 30, 40, 70 if I live that long, I'll never redeem myself for the wicked shit I've said. I will never see them again, not even on my death bed.
You merely get pushed away and are forgotten forever. You become a painful memory that people brush away, struggle to forget. The fun and the mutual hype you felt during events of your teen-hood soon become over-ridden by callous remarks and volatile words. People get sick of you. People stop sympathizing with you. You no longer are friends, and they secretly hope you just cease to exist.
I didn't appreciate the people I surrounded myself with in the early 10's. TVT, IJBM, HH, the Minecraft server, the discords, I was surrounded by well-meaning people that I didn't appreciate. I was taught by others to hate them for their flaws, to lose patience with them, and when I saw a reflection of their fear and distress in them, I lashed out. Pretended to be hard, strong, superior, when I was just in denial about everything wrong with me.
"Everyone else is weak" "Everyone else is afraid" "Anxiety is for the weak" "Depression is karma" all these horrid whispers passed onto me by vile people soon stuck to me, and I became a megaphone for the very evil that ruined my life and pushed everyone away.
It feels like I committed suicide, it feels like I died in that small town in Montana, and some creature slithered its way into my corpse and used me to do its bidding.
I went to the death nethers of the internet to express my misery and hatred, and trolled for hours on end, lashing out pessimistically and trying to find a way to purge this ugliness from myself.
I'm scared of showing vulnerability. I'm scared of apologizing because I fear being rejected, I fear knowing that I might not deserve forgiveness. But bravery is part of it. You don't DESERVE forgiveness, its earned.
I may go to the grave guilty of this sin, and never take back the damage that I've done. It's an ugly fucking feeling, I hate it. I no longer feel and believe the things I did back then. I write and I write, trying to use words to show people that change is real, change can happen, and I can feel remorse.
I think of the "villains" of our past on the site and remember saying to myself that I'd never become one of them. Looks like I have. I have joined the ranks of the others who we do not speak of. I have become a traumatic memory.
"Then what do you want?"
I just want Odra to know I take back the callous heartless shit that I said back then. I have been in denial of what was wrong with me, and I turned on the small community I used to be part of. I let contempt and malice fester in me, and ran off to the darkest regions of the internet to try and find a community my poisonous self could vibe with. But I don't vibe with them. misogynistic incels, violent psychopaths, chronically hateful nobodies who only want to revel in the suffering of others, these are not the kind of people I want to be around. I have discarded all my hateful beliefs since I've been gone, I've done research and quit listening to hearsay and conservative propaganda devoted to harming people that I should've allied myself with a long time ago. Everything is a war on 4chan, an argument with no solution, a dick-measuring contest where the only person who wins is the person who doesn't read or post anything.
I just needed to express how I really feel now that I've woken up. If Odra is still hurt by this and HH still doesn't want me back, I'll accept my fate and die guilty.
I mean, if you had opened with a line expressing remorse, you...still might have gotten banned anyway, since I don't think they're all that keen on reestablishing old relationships with people who they've had trouble with in the past. (Besides, I wonder if part of the point of the place is to be able to break free from the past, for those who desire to do so.) But at least you would have gotten your key point across. One of those one-time chances I guess.
But more generally, I'm not sure it's possible to properly atone for all of one's sins anyway. I'd like to make up for all the stupid/bad things I've done but some things just never really work out and other things are lost to time before they can be properly fixed.
Unfortunately things can be kinda depressing like that.
Honestly, I don't really like the idea of considering someone unredeemable, but it's really hard to judge whether someone has changed, and even when you're sure that someone has changed (not to mention the difference between a change in one's ethical principles and a change in the actual displayed behavior), it's even harder to get back in touch with them. At the very least it can be awkward...and that's not counting logistical issues.
And for some people, it might not be that they resent someone that much but simply that they don't want to deal with an uncomfortable thing in their past. Would be nice if everyone was willing to give everyone the time of day,
In a different but analogous way, I've felt that I've squandered a lot of opportunities with various bad decisions I've made -- and I'm saying this not just as a general principle but I have specific things in mind that I would do if only I had a way to turn back time -- for example, I would have tried to do more career exploration stuff early in college rather than simply run on the path that I thought was already neatly laid out for me, because what I actually did caused me and various other people a large amount of headaches (and probably also heartaches).
I don't think being "wanted back" should be the goal. To the chagrin and regret of all of humanity, time only flows forward. So the most important part is that you genuinely feel contrite about it and are living your life moving forward as a better person.
Someone might forward your message to Odra. I wouldn't expect much of a response, but no response would be par for the course. I mean, I wouldn't know how to respond to something like this, myself.