IF YOU'RE CONFUSED ABOUT THIS, I CLIPPED THIS FROM HEAPERSHANGOUT AT 5-7-2017 AND RATHER THAN SHAMEDELETING IT I SAVED IT ELSEWHERE IN SECRET
, anything you want to talk about? Or need help with?
I've rewritten and deleted this post for about a month, but I need to post it because this is the only place in the entire world that seems to "get it" and isn't colored black and white or trying to fight over identity constantly.
Not in the backwoods sister-fucking moron sense, not at all.
In the sense that some of my friends trigger a sense of uncanny valley in me. I was raised with traditional views my entire life, with splashes of trans here and there. Make-up, dresses, bras and skirts, body shapes. Lighting, filters, concealer, eyeliner, styling, external validation. My identity selected for me by COSMOPOLITAN™ and my external life wrought by the fashion industry, to be what I am. As I grew up I began to realize that I was in a rather fucked up validation war and wanted to be no part of it anymore, now that I peeked behind the curtain. Thousands of girls seeing a mold of a gorgeous woman, titled "THE BEST", and whoever couldn't fit into it was shit and trash, basic. The stupid thing was, there was not just one mold to fit into to "win". There was a new mold every single month, usually more than one.
"Can't fit? You're shit."
I wanted to be free of this vainly masturbatory mindset, an aesthetic eugenic way of thinking, to pity and shame those who couldn't fit in the mold, those who could not draw the eyes of others. The unprivileged were either something you pitied, shamed, or laughed at, they were not equals. This bigoted way of thinking was encouraged since I was 5 by my peers, by my family, by my teachers, my cheerleading couch, my counsellor, my college advisor, my coach, fucking everyone. The world was still ruled by animals in the savannah, and despite the agreed civil rules, despite us living in the polite society, there was one thing that everyone obeyed secretly even if they don't admit it. Appearance and power will always triumph.
I'm the most privileged person on the god damn planet, Prime American meat. Just native enough to gain the full benefits of the tribes with tuition wavers, general assistance and access to scholarships and affirmative action, but the rest is American white. No scandanavian history, no czech heritage, just the complexion and the slight touch of accent. However that doesn't mean anything when the ruling class is composed of closet eugenics who "KNOW" they're better, and these racist fucks extend a happy hand to me, allow me to be a part of their world. Opportunites opened up with wild abandon.
What does this have to do with treating trans people with respect? What does this have to do with being open minded and not gazing smugly upon the co-worker who just freshly transitioned and is trying as hard as they can to be the woman they want to be?
Because some have declared a social war on us that they have no way of winning. cis-gender scum. privileged assholes. transphobic monsters. All sorts of new slurs that they believe matter but...don't. In the majority of cases, its salty internet people who will never be pretty hating those who are. In the more important case, its people with legit complaints about society attacking the super-wealthy "Naturally superior" elite and failing because of course, they aren't on top and can't be until they flush these racists away.
I see mtfs with attitude looking to attack me for who I am, and remember, I DONT HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF, I DONT HAVE TO TRY TO INSULT THEM OR PUT THEM DOWN. The fashion industry will do it for me. The makeup industry will do it for me. That creeping insecurity that makes every teenage girl think the world would be better off that she's dead will crawl into their heads and fucking destroy them like they destroyed us.
There was a man who told me that he convinced a few of his patients that they had dysphoria so he could upsell hormones to them. That they were in the wrong bodies. That the feeling they got when they felt unnatural or self-loathing, could be solved by chasing digitally modified body forms 90% of women can't even match and opening up their wallets to do it. It made me fucking sick, that some people might not even feel like that, but were encouraged by professionals so they could get a cut, a percentage from a few big pharma cocksuckers. That is a story for another time though.
What about the ones I genuinely care about? The ones who haven't consigned to hoping Trump will nuke America, the apocaloptimists who want to see everything to share a grave with their dreams?
I get uncomfortable seeing them transition, seeing them dress up and put on makeup. My mind has always believed make-up was for girls, or more like, magazines and ads have always taught me that. Even with acceptance in my mind, it feels dishonest.
Because I am always trying to help them fit into a mold that I like. A mold that I can't seem to get out of my head, a mold that has been with me for the twenty years I joined the American Fashion Machine.
Their jawlines aren't right. Their hard browlines clash with their eyeliner. I fixate on every flaw even when I don't want to. I like to stand by transfriends, help them, talk to them, try to understand their struggle and help when I can, but when they ask me if I think they're beautiful, I lie and say "yes." when in my narrow reality, I don't believe so. This mental mold of what a beautiful girl looks like has been cemented in my mind and never go through it.
They can be pretty to me, the closer they meet this "mold". This list of statistics that boys, men and other girls would hold up. Who taught me this horrid behavior.
"Can't Fit? You're Shit."
How do you unlearn this shit? How do you see a mtf who doesn't have 10k to throw down on their appearance and not judge them, not cringe? Everywhere there is material to reinforce this standardised thinking, this comparison on appearance, on what is great and what is bad?
Why can't more places in the world just be a faceless forum, where only words matter? Where the meaning of what you said was not determined by how well you put your eyeliner on today? How narrow your waistline is. How high your panties ride up your hips, or how clean your hair is?
Maybe I'm just a shitlord like SJRs told me, trying to pretend she is something she is not. But I do believe they are women, regardless of what they look like.
I wish I could break this thinking, I so wish I could do this. When I saw a person, I just saw a person. I did not sort them mentally, I did not seek out "attractive" qualities and react to "unattractive qualities. That I just saw a face. That I just saw a person. I don't even know if transphobic is the word. Maybe its worse. Maybe I'm one of those aryan-types, dirty blood with xenophobic genetics who is desperately trying to deny who she was. Thats a thought that fucking scares me worse than anything else. Like watching everyone you cared about get hunted down, and having the monsters pass you by and not touch you because you look like them.
I hope you guys do become the people you want to be. I hope someday I can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me.
I live in a society that is against trans people and wants to live in the past where there was girly girls and manly guys and fuck all the rest of the weirdos, and I don't want it that way, so I have both sides looking at me like I'm fucking crazy or doing it for attention or scorning me, and realizing that by existing, I am part of the problem. This problem is so much bigger than I have ever seen, and people are willing to fight and kill, starve themselves, destroy themselves, just to see their side win.
And here I am just popping in with nothing to lose looking to chime in. People are struggling to have what I have, the attention, instagram followers, random messages from cute looking people, having a vacuum of people coming in because I look nice and paying attention to what I do because of it. If I was ugly IRL I would be a ghost being happy I even got 10 likes on Twitter. Some people got killed for passing TOO WELL. Some are assaulted and abused for not passing WELL ENOUGH. However, when somebody doesn't particularly agree with me and wants to flame me or tear me down, the urge to misgender just flops into my hands and I smash the button with great abandon. Its a power word, their ultimate weakness at times.
My identity is cemented to me and my frame is untouchable, no term could ever control me emotionally, and that gives me a whirlwind of guilt. A boy calling a friend "faggot" has more power over her than somebody calling me a whore or a slut. I am strong on my own, but what I teach could never extend to them.
Somebody came to me for advice a while ago on how to escape being under the control of an abusive household, but what I did could NEVER work for them because we look totally different IRL and have completely different backgrounds. Would they get financed by a car company while being a poor transgirl? Would somebody be willing to let a friend move in with them as a poor transgirl? Let them sleep in their car in a casino parking lot? Get a 24/7 gym membership, or apply for a job despite being homeless? Getting a job at all? there is so much going against trans people and I can never understand with it or ever be able to truly sympathize. It feels assholish to pretend that I know what its like to suffer.
Sorry that I am letting this flow out in such huge chunks but it's something I have internalized for around, 3 years. Maybe longer. I'm ashamed of a lot of the things I said and believed, and shoved it waaaaaaay up inside my butthole so I wouldn't shame myself by spewing about shit I didn't know anything about, however I am completely sober and have reached a point where if I didn't bring it up I was going to fucking lose it.
Sorry if this miscolors me, makes you like me less or whatever.