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SigurdrifaAnduril's joke thread
Similar to the puns thread. This is for any type of joke.
A woman was driving down a street when she heard a radio broadcast that warned drivers to be careful on a certain street because a lunatic was driving down there. So she calls her husband and says "I was just listening to the radio and the reporter said you've got to be careful on this street because a lunatic is driving there."
Her husband says
"What do you mean? There's heaps of them!"
Comments
Hmmm, Wonderful isn't all that out of place, feels like.
Since I'm here: what has addition, multiplication and curse? Ring of the Nibelung.
You pick the same colour for the background as for the font.
Is a crocodile more long than green, or the other way? It's more green than long - it's as green as long, and then green some more on the sides.
I could do that, but it seems just fine in this category, so unless you really want it to be moved or something...
Regardless, all the threads are shown on the frontpage anyway.
Also I changed my mind, I moved it to the general category. Come to think of it, I think you can do that too, just by editing the OP.
"What's the difference between a Republican and pouring water on a computer?"
"The arguments don't hold water for either, but you'll get immediate feedback when you deal with a computer."
Okay, i just made that one up on the spot. It was pretty bad.
So, a woman was paying with a $100 bill for her shopping. The clerk takes the bill, looks at it...
"Ma'am, this bill is counterfeit!"
"Oh my!", exclaims the woman. "I've been raped!"
I just saw this one on the 'net, and I'd wager it's no better.
Guys... kind of like that, except if she was a professional, that wouldn't be funny.
Which reminds me of an anecdote I've read on the 'net once. So, one day two young women showed up at a money changer's, with a hundred rubles. As they receive the change, one reacts with surprise. Surely it isn't everything, she says, but the clerk is quite clear, this is the ruble's course ma'am. The other woman, meanwhile, finds it hilarious: "You sold your ass for $2!"
^ Guys... apparently the first woman was slutty enough to go to bed with some Russian guy when he showed her a hundred rubles, and undereducated enough to know what course to expect from Russian currency.
I guess I'll have to come up with some other jokes...
So I've been thinking. I've got a Jewish joke, a math joke... hmm, this one should be good. Which means, let me guess, that it's not going to be, but whatever.
----
So, a guy runs into a grocery.
"Gimme half a kilo of cheese, quick!", he shouts at the clerk, picks the cheese, and runs out.
A while later, he barges in again. "Gimme a full kilogram, but right now, mate, now!"
And again, it doesn't take long before the man shows up once more, but this time, he has a wheelbarrow. "Mate, hey, fill me this wheelbarrow with cheese, but be quick, please!"
By now, the clerk's quite concerned about the affair, so finally he asks what is the whole fuss about. "Come along", the man says in reply, and they both leave the shop. The wheelbarrow man runs to some sort of a hole in the ground, halts the wheelbarrow, grabs a shovel and proceeds to throw the cheese into the hole. Out come the sounds of chewing, munching...
"Holy shit, man, what is this?!"
"I have no idea, but the thing damn loves its cheese, doesn't it?"
"Who sneezed?" No one says anything so he orders a guard to shoot everyone in the first row. When he’s continuing the speech the same thing happens so everyone in the second row is killed. This goes on until only the third row is left. Someone sneezes, denounces himself and Stalin says: “ Bless you comrade!"
Ahhh, political jokes. Fun fact: Stalin, if I'm not mistaken, liked to jokingly ask random underlings why they're still around, he ordered their execution already. Apparently the butt of these jokes laughed mostly out of courtesy.
I remember a generally highly weird family of military jokes, usually along these lines:
Hey, I said they're weird.
So, a Jew was praying the other day.
"Oh Lord, why do we have to suffer so much?"
Suddenly, the sky opens and a voice is heard! "It's because you're the chosen people, Srulik," says the Lord.
"...have you ever thought of swapping for some other one?"
So, a Jewish boy was so naughty he was expelled from his Jewish school. The parents, observant Jews, sent him to another Jewish school, but in a couple of months he was expelled from that one too. The same story happened again and again until every Jewish school in the city virtually had a rule that they won't take him in. So, with heavy hearts, parents sent little Srulik to a Catholic school.
A week later, the headmaster calls Srulik's dad and - surprise, surprise - can't praise the boy enough, how obedient, well-behaved, dilligent, so on and so forth.
So in his astonishment, the man asks his son, "Srulik, I can't say I don't like it, but what's going on? No hooliganery, no misbehavior, nothing?"
"You see, dad," Srulik says, "on the first day a nice man in a black dress took me to a dark room, and there was some man nailed to a cross. And he says, 'Srulik, this is Jesus Christ. He was a Jew like you.'
And then I realized they aren't going to fuck around."
So, a Jew was riding a train and there was that guy in a long black dress sitting opposite him.
"Say, who are you?", he asks.
"I am a Catholic priest."
The Jew thinks for a while, and then asks, "So, if you were lucky, who could you become?"
"Well... I could become a bishop."
"And if you still had some luck then?"
"Well," says the priest, dazzled, "I suppose if I was very fortunate, I could become an arch-bishop."
"And if then you had even more good fortune?"
"Uh... If I was really, really successful," Jew got the priest quite confused by now, "I guess I could become the Pope, God willing."
For a second, it looks like the Jew's curiosity is sated - alas: "And then?"
"
Then?!
Then?!
What the Hell is wrong with you?! Who do you frickin' think I can 'then' become, God Himself?!"
And the Jew says:
"Ha-haa, one of ours did!"