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It's Marki's world, we're just living in it (or fourteenwing's liveblogs The Drama Queen)
This week on THE DRAMA QUEEN
Actually, I should probably start by explaining what this is. This is a liveblog about E!'s latest (Actually turns out another show started last week which makes this wrong, but we don't have it yet here so I'll stick with this) reality TV series about things nobody cares about.
In this glamosity factory produced lack-of-scope machine, we follow talent manager Marki Costello as she runs her company CMEG. To help her, she has four entire employees. The indistinguishable girls who all talk about random things at the start of the clip to give "realism" to the scene before they murder each other because drama and Matt Jacobi, who is here to provide the gay, Jewish and hyperorange tan elements to the show (I think it's illegal by E! Statute to not have one of these in your show, or the same one, as Jacobi was previously Giulliana's assistant in her show about what she did when she wasn't hosting E! News, which was nothing but try and satisfy her mother-in-law's need for home-made lasagna).
Our dramatis personae in further detail:
Marki: The boss.
Michelle: Evil one, yes there's one so evil that she stands up above the rest.
Stephanie: "Responsible" one, bywhich I mean she never gets a plot because responsible means "boring" to E!.
Jacobe: Known by his last name because his first name isn't Jewish enough, provides the important tan and gay elements to the show.
Kelly: Seems the most spoiled in the entire group since she seems to do the least in a group of nothing-doers.
Angelica: Latina and poor, the show will never let you forget this. I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to like her specifically because she's not rich (She's only the secretary, and no, none of these guys are accountants or logistics people so that's the only real job in this entire office)
Winston: Office dog, unclear on whether he sleeps in the office with nobody to mind him. Yes, I said office dog, this is super-professional.
Outside the office we have:
Tommy: Marki's sad, sad boyfriend. There's a subplot through the entire series involving him basically doing all the cleaning and cooking and being the perfect househusband but Marki never paying attention to him and then blaming him for it as she's too busy making money to care about feelings. This show sure would exist if the roles were reversed.
And all the less important pointless people who are Marki's clients or something.
Before we start, a fun thing I noted: My recording also got the last couple of minutes of Fashion Police, where a panel makes female celebrities feel terrible for the clothes they wear. Their tan Jewish gay (Yes I was not joking about this) was dressed like a fifties bike rider, this was super noteable.
Moving on, we begin with episode 4 of The Drama Queen.
A genuinely creepy old lady with a bike in the middle of a four story building shows up outside CMEG's doors. There's a dog in the bike's basket, which just serves to make her creepier. Instead of anybody calling the police or security, we're whisked off to Angelica in the confessional explaining that this woman, Tamara (pronounced Tamra) Henry, drops her head-shots off every month to CMEG. As the producers continue to not call the police, she comes in and stars explaining her little possibly bred to heart disease size dog's name (Jimmy Chew, who ironically is probably being suffocated by the designer dog sweater he's wearing).
She drops off more head-shots and a DVD (do they even have image DVDs in America?). The show obviously wants us to laugh at her because she's older than forty and still thinks she has a shot at fame (Also her only confessional shot is her acting crazy).
I then had to stop watching because the opening theme, if you can even call it that, sent me into anaphylactic shock despite containing no tree-nuts.
Fun Quotes from the opening:
"It takes ten years to be an overnight success." Marki, failing to understand logic.
"Anyone can be famous!" Seemingly forgetting that a mere three seconds before we were laughing at the obviously never going to be famous Tamara Henry.
Back at CMEG, there's no traces of Tamara Henry and Marki has finally arrived. Proving that she works at a computer and gets e-mail, she asks somebody to get on the spam issue (Why is this professional company who is possibly paying an IT guy constantly getting spam? Does she mean they have an actual issue with corned meats?).
Marki lightly reprimands Angelica for wearing a belly shirt. Angelica, like all good employees scoffs at her.
"I'm young and I've got a tiny belly, why not show it off while I can?" - Angelica
"...I've seen Jacobe's cleavage..." - Angelica
After Angelica is done ranting in her confessional, they all sit down to have a meeting where Angelica is still on about her belly shirt. Marki ignores her and keeps them on point by talking about a big client. Robin Antin, creator of the Pussycat Dolls, is looking to expand and is now going to either be hosting a reality TV show in Australia or be on the Celebrity Apprentice, that show known for it's seriously business savvy celebrity contenstants.
Angelica, the poor-sap, mentions Tamara Henry mid-meeting. Tamara, who has been e-mailing Marki constantly for over ten years, has not been hit with a restraining order somehow.
Also: Jacobe keeps making the creepiest pickup faces at the camera, they were somehow not edited out of the final product (Either that or he's somehow getting them to advertise his headshots mid-show).
Marki then goes insane, imitating Tamara's DVD newsreel.
(If you think I lack the editorial skill to transition I do not, it's just that this show lacks transitions of any kind between subject matters.)
Michelle and her obviously sentient plastic surgery dimples "helped" produce a movie (How? Was she an associate producer? A production assistant? Tell us!) and she takes the opportunity to invite the entire office of five people to the premiere of the movie. This is somehow not the major plot and it won't show up again until the inanity of this show drives me to drill into my own skull.
"Talent agents... direct movies." Michelle, never having heard of the word "Director".
And then the meeting is over, because entire meetings are held over things that can be memo'd to the staff.
Suddenly we're in Marki's car, she's talking to Tommy over the phone (There are cameras in both places, so either this was staged or Tommy just calls the cameraguy whenever he's about to call Marki). Tommy wants to spend some time with Marki, he figures that it's lunchtime and she could come home so they could play scrabble or something. Marki goes berserk, as that's normal. She's already had lunch at Neiman Marcus (yes, the department store) and is so over him because she's bread-winning right now and he needs to not ever bother her while she's going to her second lunch break (or as she calls it, "working"). Tommy hangs up on her, which any normal person would, but Marki's not done just yet.
Before I and the show sporadically move on to whatever is happening next; I'm really danged annoyed at the production people for this show, Marki literally changes hairstyles between confessional cuts as she talks about getting therapy for Tommy because he's so needy and she doesn't have time to be emotionally involved.
Marki's off to Robin Antin's house now, where Robin is dancing with a nameless-therefore-unimportant friend of hers. They get right down to work, by which I mean they dance for like an hour before even sitting down. Robin, who is I should mention trying to obtain a more 'mature/conservative' image, is dancing provocatively for no real reason on the TV show meant to improve her image.
As Robin's nameless friend leaves, they move into a gazebo where Marki complements the house before immediately going off on her professional client Robin about how annoying Tommy is. Instead of like, not commenting on her agents personal life or shouting at her for being so immature on television, Robin kindly listens and backs whatever she says, as men suck. Marki then says that she doesn't really know if she likes anybody enough to be with them forever and commitment annoys her because since they have kids she can't even get out of it without seeing him ever again. Despite this, she continues dating him.
"It's not like we fight [...] but when we fight." Marki, being consistent
"It was like a blowup!" Marki, describing how she Jimmy Chewed (Yes I said that) out Tommy for wanting to see her.
"He goes to such a nasty mean place." Marki, describing how calm Tommy is when she's constantly shouting at Tommy for wanting to spent time with her.
Marki is now crying, because Tommy hung up on her and who does that while you chew them out for wanting to see you? She is actually this self-centered.
"Because we can have it all!" Robin, comforting Marki because strong women or something yes that is the sound of feminism dying.
COMMERCIAL!
Suddenly; business mode, Robin doesn't want to dress conservatively and Marki acknowledges this, so she wants to changer her entire image to get her to dress conservatively.
"I don't want to dress like I'm working in an office." Robin on how much she wants to be on The Celebrity Apprentice.
Suddenly in a coffee shop somewhere, poor Angelica is asking a barista if they take food stamps. She takes out a credit card eventually and prays she doesn't overcharge it, which she doesn't as I'm pretty sure nobody wants reality TV stars to be arrested mid-taping (Unless it's a plot point, I mean). Tamara Henry then shows up on her creepy bike on the other side of the road and Angelica and Kelly, armed with coffee cups which are really good cloaking devices apparently, make their way out without her noticing them.
Suddenly, Marki and Tommy are seeing a therapist, to whom Marki says her career is more important than Tommy and their children, who she really has no time for either. She then proceeds to explain how because she pays for everything Tommy's domestic work counts for absolutely nothing. Again, switching the genders would immediately have E! on every radar there is but since Marki is female it's okay. The therapist calls both of them narcissists because Tommy happened to comment on how every sentence Marki said either began or ended with the word "me". She gives them some sort of questionnaire which they all then forget existed and hands Marki a twenty year old book, as Tommy isn't important enough to get help on how to deal with an obviously emotionally abusive spouse.
Dear editing department: Really, in this scene Confessional Marki is constantly switching back and forth between outfits, do your job or ask her to just film all her confessionals around the end of the production.
"It's not all about me [because I'm claiming it's all about my business]." Marki
"I love Tommy but I do too much for him [as he merely cleans the house and raises the children, but I pay the mortgage so there]." Marki
This post was so long I had to split it :P
Comments
Again, we randomly switch scenes and we're back at the office the next day. Marki confronts a distraught Michelle, who reveals that her best friend just died. There's no way she's going to the funeral if it's today or grieving because she has a movie premiere tonight. Marki takes the opportunity to not comfort her and talk about her mother who died but I was so tired of her whining at this point that I tuned the entire speech out and vowed to never rewatch this episode again even if I missed anything, like the part where Marki develops a soul. Even in this scene, Marki is completely deadpan.
Later, Marki is hanging out with her dad. Just to expand:
Marki is planning to discuss her relationship with Tommy with her father over a long lunch while Tommy sits at home being sad because Marki claims she has no time to spend with him, but she can still schedule some for ol' Papa.
Marki's dad, who is clearly a stoner (He believes that any atoms we're looking at want what we want because photon reflection), is a genius according to Marki. This would explain so much about her attitude of constant hatred but lots of people have stoner dads and aren't emotionally abusive.
Marki's dad tells her to find a therapist who is a mirror of communication, which is the worst advice you could give someone like Marki as the only thing she's interested in communicating in the first place is how important she is.
Wait, isn't this a show about a talent manager? You ask, I also asked, The Drama Queen has no intention of answering this question for us.
Later later, Michelle and the three other employees are getting ready for the premiere of indie movie X (clearly Marki was not willing to cross promote). Michelle, whose friend just died, is getting made up. Thankfully, Jacobe shows up to stop her whinging about her tiny role in the production of this movie to break some news; he got hotter and tanner (Yes, The Drama Queen, where respite from self-obsession is only provided by marginally less self-obsession).
Angelica immediately rips apart Michelle's dress choice in the confessional and then tells Michelle she gets anxious in movie theaters for some reason. She asks about the guests at the premiere, because she wants to use this opportunity to get discovered. Jacobe cattily tells her she should go put on her dress, which while mean as she's already wearing it is right as it is the worst dress (sleeveless, short, black, intimidatingly large white buttons on her torso).
At the premiere, Angelica and her insanely huge bag (which, as she is poor on an E! series, she will use to stockpile on snacks) embarrass Jacobe. Michelle gets a call from Marki, explaining that she can't make it because she wouldn't be caught dead at a movie premiere happening in a bureaucratic building's hallway... erm, her kid has a migraine, because she even knows where her kids are at that specific moment.
Kelly and Stephanie are late, so Angelica waits for them and begs Jacobe to wait with her. Jacobe cannot even begin to care so goes in with Michelle to see the movie. Eventually Kelly and Stephanie show up.
The next day, Angelica admits she didn't even enter the theater so Michelle and Jacobe tear her apart, with Kelly providing some catty comments when she can as well. Angelica, who has confused not having money with being an alcoholic, defends herself by saying Michelle promised that there would be drinks at the event but there weren't any (Yes that is what she actually says), which merely gives Jacobe and Michelle even more ammunition.
Still not satisfied with their meanness, Angelica continues to stand there and takes on a new line of defense; she didn't want to see the movie at all as she assumed it was about cheerleaders (it probably wasn't considering the part of the poster that wasn't blurred out), to which Kelly adds that she just wanted to get her photos taken on a red carpet. Angelica does not take this opportunity to leave despite her desk being in an entirely different room, but stands there and takes Michelle and Jacobe's verbal abuse.
By the power of yet another poor transition accompanied by a peppy tune, we're finally back to the talent manager bit with Marki and Jacobe meeting Robin and her stylist Juanita. Juanita, the second latina person on this show, is merely brushed off because Angelica is all the proof needed to showcase that E! is what fuels huge anti-immigration sentiment with Republicans in this demographic (because those exist maybe).
Again, we transition back to the office where Tamara Henry shows up in a red coat dress thing, for some reason (the cameras) Marki decides to see her. In this scene, Tamara seems genuinely distressed and delusional, so Marki just tells her she'll never be famous (which Marki conflates with being loved, so Tamara will never be loved basically). As Tamara leaves, she still asks Angelica if Marki is planning to see her, which is just sad and I have no idea why they'd decide that showing an obviously mentally stressed person get chewed out was a good idea.
But the episode isn't over yet (haha, just because we came full circle with that Tamara thing) and Robin comes in for a meeting wearing a jacket with the most pointless sleeves, she's got the Australia job, so she and Marki celebrate (Does Marki just constantly leave mid-working hours?).
But the episode isn't over yet (haha, just because we came full circle with that Robin thing) and Marki takes Jacobe and Stephanie out for drinks, as bosses usually do. They then proceed to talk about Michelle and getting her some therapy since she's completely apathetic to the dead friend thing. Stephanie explains that marriage therapy sucks because she still got a divorce (Logic!) and Marki says something about her own therapy thing but I was so delighted that the episode was actually over that I didn't hear her.
NEXT WEEK: Client Sloane doesn't like her new look (and a billion other things).
Speak for yourself.
Why do you do this to yourself?
^ Because he hates himself more than I hate him.
Is that like "Seizure Fighting Robots"?
why does nobody understand the fun that media muckracking provides
No, it's more like flashing pink and white things and terrible music.
Oh yeah: Next episode was shown along with this one as a special double bill thing but I haven't watched it yet as I'm rebuilding the besieged parts of my brain, so it'll be up possibly next Wednesday.
Doesn't look like fun to me.
This week on THE DRAMA QUEEN: Sloane, Poppy, Katie/Voxx and nannies.
We begin with Marki making fun of Angelica once again. She explains that she’s actually “helping” her by making fun of her voice since that’ll make her stop talking like such a non-Caucasian person (Angelica has no accent, the only issue she really has is running on her words). When Jacobe asks what they’ll do without a receptionist when Angelica gets her hosting auditions and maybe lands a steady job, Marki and the rest of the office laugh their heads off. Marki explains that by the time Angelica even gets an audition she’ll be too dead to care.
Opening sequence, anaphylaxis.
Suddenly, Stephanie takes Michelle and Jacobe’s WASP-ey Christmas card photo because that’s a thing you do mid-work day. Jacobe has his thumb up as he’s pretending to be a straight dad. Confessional! Angelica is mad as she wasn’t invited to the “WASP Photo Fest” because she’s not white enough, really. On The Drama Queen racism is like breathing.
Then there’s an entire four-second sequence dedicated to Jacobe quaffing his hair.
Marki (with an entirely different hairstyle from before the opening segment) calls up a meeting, which is apparently a thing they only do at the start of each episode. Poppy Jamie, a host from the UK, who Marki claims is “money” is coming to the USA on a CMEG sponsored work visa, so they need to find her some work. Marki then reads out Poppy’s PR handout… erm, sings her praises.
Thanks to Photoshop, the photo montage that accompanies the PR statement makes it look like Poppy has terribly fluctuating weight and body-lines.
At a work meeting, Marki announces that she’s made some room for Angelica in this weekend’s Marki Host Boot Camp.
“I’m just hoping her hosting skills are better than her receptionist skills.” Marki says about the receptionist she is not planning to fire.
Still at a work meeting, Marki announces she needs a nanny, as Tommy isn’t slaving hard enough or something. Confessional Michelle recommends Angelica take the job instead of bothering everybody with her little TV dreams. Real world Angelica confuses a manny (male nanny) with a tranny, which is just weird and offensively so. This allows Jacobe to come in and finish her off, claiming that Angelica’s only friends are trannies and that they all share make-up tips.
Meeting over, everybody goes back to their desks, Jacobe’s taking selfies…
Wait
Yes, Jacobe is taking selfies.
Marki goes off to have lunch with BFF Katie Wagner, who is someone or other’s daughter and someone or other’s stepdaughter.
Marki talks to her about some unimportant celebrity news and despite being older than Tamara Henry (It was only an episode ago) Katie is looking to get back into the fame game with the worst idea on the planet; a show where she and a psychic friend of her named Box discuss celebrities. As if this show were trying to get me to hate it more, Box reads the celebrities futures using tarot cards.
This is absurd, and even Marki thinks it’s absurd, but she’s going to give it a chance because Duck Dynasty became a hit. She even calls Katie (who she claims to be a friend) a loon.
Angelica meets Sloane at a nightclub so they can go partying (presumably this is just their “meeting up” nightclub, also Angelica can afford a life out on the town with celebrity wannabe Sloane?). Sloane has her hair extensions back in and her fake eyelashes glued in again. In a previous episode, Marki asked Jacobe to give Sloane a makeover which involved removing those two specific things (sadly they couldn’t fix her Selena Gomez-lookalike-ness, though the makeover made it better and gave her an actually somewhat unique look). Angelica thinks Sloane going back to her old look is okay because:
Sloane says she’ll take it all out when she’s working and Angelica promises to keep her secret.
Since this is reality TV and The Drama Queen doesn’t have like, four more minutes to set up an Angelica slip up, they decide to take a picture because what beats having proof that you’re disobeying your talent managers advice on one of her employees cellphones? And because they’re not satisfied with that Angelica posts the picture on twitter because it’s not as if anybody follows their client Sloane at their talent management where they basically control Sloane’s social media right?
Convenient drama time!
First thing the next morning Michelle has seen the picture and screencapped the page just in case Angelica was smart enough to take it down (and because she’s paranoid).
Angelica asks what’s going on while looking at the picture and Michelle gives her the best “You are in the danged picture with her!” face ever.
They ask her why she would go to clubs with a client but Angelica doesn’t answer. The production team gives the OK and Marki walks into the office because real life is just like that, Angelica tries to convince the people that hate her to cover for her by lying.
Immediately Jacobe spills the beans and Marki goes ballistic.
Marki shouts at Angelica as Sloane isn’t conveniently on hand. She goes on for a very long time before she drops Sloane because of a hairstyle change. Professional.
As the episode has lacked any Tommy-abuse so far, we’re treated to a scene of Tommy, their child Finn and Marki having lunch next. It’s really creepy to watch the body language between the three of them. Tommy is lovingly carrying Finn (Who he calls “Finny”) as Marki walks ahead of them, oblivious to their existence (aside from one time she calls out and shows Finn an off-camera pumpkin).
They discuss interviewing nannies. Even as she sits there with them you can’t help but feel she’s distancing herself from them. Then: Marki picks a smiling Finn up and he immediately starts crying.
Erm… uh… moving on;
Angelica doesn’t want to go to boot camp because she thinks Marki will mess with her. Kelly, without looking up, deadpans some encouragement. We move on.
Later at the office, Katie and that psychic show up at the office. Jacobe calls Box an “Unsexy Elvira”.
Box (Apparently actually Voxx…xxxxx…xxxxxxxxxxxxxx) is then interviewed by Marki. Voxx… does not talk at all (Katie talks for her), unless you look closely, then you notice that they’re cutting her out (There are a couple of shots, the most noticeable being one where she shouts “Yay!). Marki agrees to shooting a test pilot for their show.
CMEG actually has a production division somewhere, why don’t they have a main office representative? That’d be the second real job here!
Voxx (Off-screen, as all her predictions are because that way they can edit the audio onto the footage to match whatever happened) predicts they’ll do a shoot on Thursday because that’s what psychic powers are wasted on and guess what, CMEG’s studio is free Thursday. Spooky!
Finally, Marki meets Poppy (Remember, British girl from the meeting stuff?), who sounds so, so high street British girl. There isn’t much to the meeting, it’s really just an excuse to get more racism in because Marki points to a Latino guy and recommends Poppy start seeing “one of them” (Obviously no Hispanic people exist in the UK and especially in this area that Poppy works of being a media reporter has she ever met one) as they’re “[well endowed]”.
Meeting over!
The next day, Sloane and her mother walk in to see Marki.
Sloane’s mom tells Marki that Sloane is sad so obviously she should pick her up again. What follows is a battle of the narcissistic so big that it would be a crime to only explain it in edited form.
The following is actual, unedited Drama Queen dialogue:
(Dumb Confessional bit)
Marki then gets “real” with Sloane’s mom by explaining that she doesn’t care about twitter followers but about money (And 401ks for her employees?), and then you realized that the whole reason they’re having this argument is over whether a girl with long hair can be a celebrity and you realize it’s Sloane’s crazy, possibly extremely spoiling mother who has the decent point.
Marki then kicks Sloane and Sloane’s Mom out before telling Angelica she needs a new look, as she hadn’t verbally abused someone in more than four seconds.
Later, Jacobe fills Kelly (who I think is possibly actually mentally impaired) in on his plan to make psychic Voxx (xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) over. Jacobe considers whether Voxx will feel offended and curse him, but then decides it’s worth it. It’s almost as if he’s auditioning for a camp 70s-esque sitcom.
Marki brings Tommy and Finn (who is again, crying possibly because he’s in Marki’s arms) to interview nannies. Finn then gets a hold of a glass bowl with candy in it. Marki, looking away, sits there and shouts “CAREFUL” at him while Tommy actually takes the glass ornament away from him and lets him get some candy.
Parenting.
Angelica organized the interviews by posting an ad on Craigslist and putting up flyers in her obviously shady neighbourhood, so of course the first woman we get is a crazy chauvinist with a little dog (Do the producers on this show associate crazy ladies and tiny dogs?) and the next guy recommends giving Finn some random lady’s breastmilk.
Finn tells the first woman she looks like the Joker, Marki reprimands him by “jokingly” swearing at him strongly enough that it’s bleeped.
Next is Lauren, who plays lacrosse and is an artist. Marki immediately dislikes him as Tommy is the JV Lacrosse coach and an artist, so he’s obviously going to sleep with her. In his confessional, the producers try to get something incriminating out of Tommy (You’ll see why next) but all they get is awkward discomfort.
Finally we have Ryan, a manny who has a daughter of his own. Marki blatantly tells the entire TV watching population in her confessional that she’d just love to make out with him right then and there. So of course they discuss it a bit more and hire him. Tommy abuse quota reached!
In the hall, Jacobe is taking even more selfies, this time with Stephanie, Kelly and Winston (who I should mention is quite the big dog). Michelle asks Angelica what she’s doing over the weekend, which of course is hanging out with Sloane. Everybody takes their daily required shot at her.
At Marki’s boot camp, Angelica…
WAIT: Marki’s boot camp costs $500 an hour.
… Angelica is taking the class.
In a fake interview, she asks an obviously black guy what ethnicity he is. Marki calls her not terrible (for learning the ways of racism?).
Moving on, Jacobe asks Marki the next day if he can give Voxx (xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) a makeover. Marki tells him to bide his time until they see if their show is okay.
Voxx (xxxx) and Katie show up to watch the pilot which is terrible (Voxx claims Miley Cyrus will have had a Lindsay Lohan meltdown within a year and a half, when a lot of people find her oddly well adjusted and that is basically it). Marki tells them to market it to an existing terribad show or do a webshow.
On the same day at the same time, because even the editors are sick of the constant transitioning on this show, Poppy shows up. She tells Marki she’s gotten a job interviewing Lady Gaga at her album launch party. Voxx (xxxx) reads Poppy’s fate with the tarot cards and sees that she’s going to be successful and so is Angelica. I’d bother disproving her but seriously, have you even heard of any of these people?
And then it’s over and I can stop trying to claw my own heart out. Oh wait-
NEXT WEEK: Audrina Patridge (Will I ever escape these The Hills kids? I never even watched The Hills!) and Angelica is fired/freaks out/something.
I can't read this anymore.
Suure.
I haven't given up yet, I'm just being extremely lazy right now. Might even double-bill (Which would mean four posts in a row).
This week we start with a random scene of Marki shouting at people who run the stop sign in front of her house. It is entirely irrelevant to anything that happens later (Though I’m pretty sure the last time they were at Marki’s house this was not it).
I finally remembered that I could fast-forward past the opening sequence!
Angelica and Michelle are playing with some video effects software on Angelica’s computer when Marki calls them to the Monday Morning Meeting (Which if you’ve been paying attention for whatever reason they didn’t have last Monday). Marki bemoans her employees lack of focus before getting right into their week’s work; Tamara (pronounced correctly as “Ta-ma-ra” so you don’t confuse her for Crazy Dog Lady Tamra Henry) J Barr? Jaberr, an Australian host-slash-musician has come up with a new PSA campaign called “Body Bullies” and Marki is going to expand it using CMEG.
Angelica interrupts Marki’s idea-thiefing to mention that “her BFF” Audorina Patridge called to schedule her first appointment with Marki, so they make fun of her for being unable to say “Audrina” somehow.
Marki decides to go over some audition videos, which were obviously cherry-picked to show terrible stage mothers (I mean, if you were an evil/crazy stage mother wouldn’t you at least wait until your kid was indispensable to the show before showing your true colors?). Stephanie, who has suddenly gained the ability to talk, is “disappointed”.
Marki makes a statement about how people shouldn’t be obsessed with fame and should hunger for the craft so of course they spend seven or so hours wadi- no she picks one of the crazy stage moms seven seconds later because she can feel that her obviously scared/awkward daughter is “compelling”.
Marki visits her son Finn and the nanny (I refuse to say “manny” ever again) Ryan.
Finn being unsupervised at least a hundred yards away from where Marki and Ryan are talking, gets hurt.
Anyways, Marki trusts Ryan because he handled the situation like a real father (Ryan’s kid can’t walk yet so he has absolutely no experience with these types of situations, are you not watching your own show?)
We fly off somewhere at night with some club music in the background to… transition to midday at CMEG with the stage mom and sad daughter from the video clip they watched earlier. Sad kid (Samantha) has had to live through bullying, her parent’s divorce and her grandfather’s death in quick succession so there’s no way Marki could turn her away as this is reality TV.
Samantha blames her mother for her parent’s divorce and her mother is okay with hearing her daughter say that not only to Marki but anybody watching this TV show. Marki believes that life punching Samantha in the gut at least three times is great because it’ll make her a better actor. This is why every single actor is a war veteran.
“The best actors don’t act, they react.” Marki, not realizing why actors are not called reactors.
Marki calls Jacobe and Michelle in for a little exercise so she can judge Samantha’s improvisational skills. Samantha is oddly enough a good actress who can pick up on the leads Michelle and Jacobe are giving her (unless this show suddenly got a master editor). Marki points this out which means a) Marki is right and b) we agree. I no longer want to live on this planet.
The next day I the office Marki’s ridiculously dangerous OCD is acting up because Angelica hasn’t cleaned up.
Marki then calmly walks away explaining to Angelica how she should clean up.
OCD!
Marki then asks Jacobe to hold fake interviews to rile Angelica up as this makes sense.
Marki assembles the group to talk about Audrina Partridge. She tells Angelica to not freak out but Angelica can’t help herself, she asks Marki what she should do if Audrina asks to take a picture with her. Marki just shouts at her to not mess up.
Audrina arrives, giving Angelica a heart attack. Marki calls in Jacobe again (third time this episode) to do a practice interview with Audrina. Of course, Jacobe mentions drag queens as racism is just not enough for this show.
Angelica is still obsessing over Audrina as she leaves.
Latrer at CMEG’s production studio Marki, Michelle and Tamara start shooting the “Body Bullies” PSA. Marki, misunderstanding the whole concept, tells Tamara that she needs to do it in a bikini, as that’s exactly what a campaign about feeling comfortable with one’s body and what one chooses to wear is all about. Tamara doesn’t want to do it because it will obviously just be covered as a shock value thing where she’s sexualized for no real reason while she tries to tell people to be comfortable with themselves.
Marki at this point is shouting at Tamara like a child because Tamara doesn’t want to do this. Tamara responds in a calm manner, but Marki calls her uppity anyways. Tamara gives up and tells Marki that if she wants to take the campaign in that direction she should use Michelle as she actually works for-
THEN, Marki calls Tamara some “choice” words because according to Marki the only way to show people you don’t care about them is to sexualize you-
You know what? I quit this show right the danged now. I can no longer stand this insipid, racist, insulting, heartless, monstrous idiot who makes no sense, thinks the media will only be interested in women speaking about how much they’re bullied for their bodies merely because they were born female if they’re doing in bikinis, emotionally abuses her husband and child on camera and pretends that she owns Tamara’s idea every chance she gets!
You know the kind of people who need to get reality shows? Tamara Danged Jebarr! Marki Costello can go on being selfish and hateful and dismissive of mental health issues, I just cannot put up with it anymore.