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If you use an @yahoo.com email or any related Yahoo services, they have blocked us also due to "user complaints"
-UE
My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me
I'm not a bad person.
I wake up every morning like everyone else; still a little sleepy, dreading the long work day, wondering what's going to help me persist through the hectic, tiresome afternoons and evenings. I may be a bit opinionated when it comes to certain topics, but aren't we all? There's not a whole lot to hate about me- I'm a normal guy.
Or, I was, until all this happened.
Again, let me stress the fact that I was a good person. I know the stuff I'm about to write here is going to seem creepy and maybe even psychotic, but I need somewhere to vent.
So here goes:
I was spending some time with my friends doing nothing in particular, shooting the breeze over a legion of shot glasses filled with vodka, tequila, gin, and whatever else (You might even say we were trying to raise the dead, there were so many spirits) 'normal' shit, when she walked into the room, a mess of blacks and whites, smoke streaming out of her nose and mouth, laughing and howling like a djinn... arm in arm with another guy. I have to admit, I was uncertain about how to feel about her then and there. But as the night wore on, and we talked a bit, I knew something was off. I was laughing harder than I had in months, giddy as fuck, practically bouncing all over the room. As we shared stories about whatever, passed cigars, cigarettes, and a full bottle of vodka, I could feel something awful welling up in my guts, something that I knew would compel me to do awful things to make sure that times like the one we were having would never end.
So while our other friends were preoccupied listening to her 'boyfriend's' nasally voice as he told some long, endless story, we managed to slip out and betray him in ways that still make me feel some small measure of guilt to this day. And even though I was feeling that guilt at the time, the overwhelming euphoria that accompanied the afterglow we both shared was enough to allow us to set in motion our sick excuse of a relationship.
The next few months were a tumultuous, exhausting mess filled with the passion, heartache and guilt that often accompanies the fierce psychosexual sort of love that we shared. Even though I knew that it was draining me physically and mentally, I couldn't get enough and would often find myself prowling the streets in the dead of night looking for any sort of distraction to fill the time between her phonecalls and unexpected visits.
And as time wore on, I began to see her boyfriend less and less. During that time, her visits became more frequent, and our encounters more bizarre; we would push each other to do increasingly derranged things, and when all was said and done, rinse it all away with affection that was equal parts physical and emotional. We were crippling one another, and then using each other for support.
Things persisted like this for another couple of months, escalating until thoughts of her seemed to begin to manifest as an atonal droning that rang in my head at all times. By this time we were nearly inseperable, barely able to function without one another. At some point, however, I realized things for what they were, and became afraid for my mental health, and started drinking uncontrollably to escape the vortex that was her. Things became violent at times, but she stayed with me through it all. And at some point, I guess she also had an epiphany, because she started to visit less and less, and when she did show up, she was cold and distant.
This was the state of things until two weeks ago, when, during a visit, she began talking about her boyfriend, which she hadn't done since I met her. Naturally, I was put off by it and made it clear that I didn't want to hear about him. We got into a fight, and she left. For a few days, I was a wreck; I couldn't sleep, wouldn't go outside, and would prepare food, but wouldn't eat it. I would let it sit around my room until it became rotten and flies started to swarm it. After a week of that, I decided to call her and ask her to hang out or something. So there I was, sitting in my room, nervous as hell, the phone pressed to my ear so that I could hear it over the loud buzzing of the hundreds of fat little flies that made my home their own-- when I hear the nasally voice of her boyfriend pick up on the other end.
At first I was incredulous, and then my confusion gave way to rage as I managed to wrap my head around what was going on. I blacked out, destroyed my room, and shredded my knuckles punching shit. I came awake behind the wheel of my car, which I guess I crashed into the retaining wall in front of my house. I realized that I needed to calm down and smoked a pack of cigarettes two at a time until I puked.
Deciding that going to see her would be the best thing to do (Hey, I was pretty broken up) I tried starting my car and noticed that the headlights and hood were smashed beyond drivable condition, so I decided to walk.
While I was walking, I began to have second thoughts and considered turning around, when I noticed a pair of headlights behind me; it was a taxi.
So I whistled for the cab and when it came near, I noticed the license plate said 'FRESH' and it had dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I though "Nah, forget it" and shitposted on IJBM.
I wake up every morning like everyone else; still a little sleepy, dreading the long work day, wondering what's going to help me persist through the hectic, tiresome afternoons and evenings. I may be a bit opinionated when it comes to certain topics, but aren't we all? There's not a whole lot to hate about me- I'm a normal guy.
Or, I was, until all this happened.
Again, let me stress the fact that I was a good person. I know the stuff I'm about to write here is going to seem creepy and maybe even psychotic, but I need somewhere to vent.
So here goes:
I was spending some time with my friends doing nothing in particular, shooting the breeze over a legion of shot glasses filled with vodka, tequila, gin, and whatever else (You might even say we were trying to raise the dead, there were so many spirits) 'normal' shit, when she walked into the room, a mess of blacks and whites, smoke streaming out of her nose and mouth, laughing and howling like a djinn... arm in arm with another guy. I have to admit, I was uncertain about how to feel about her then and there. But as the night wore on, and we talked a bit, I knew something was off. I was laughing harder than I had in months, giddy as fuck, practically bouncing all over the room. As we shared stories about whatever, passed cigars, cigarettes, and a full bottle of vodka, I could feel something awful welling up in my guts, something that I knew would compel me to do awful things to make sure that times like the one we were having would never end.
So while our other friends were preoccupied listening to her 'boyfriend's' nasally voice as he told some long, endless story, we managed to slip out and betray him in ways that still make me feel some small measure of guilt to this day. And even though I was feeling that guilt at the time, the overwhelming euphoria that accompanied the afterglow we both shared was enough to allow us to set in motion our sick excuse of a relationship.
The next few months were a tumultuous, exhausting mess filled with the passion, heartache and guilt that often accompanies the fierce psychosexual sort of love that we shared. Even though I knew that it was draining me physically and mentally, I couldn't get enough and would often find myself prowling the streets in the dead of night looking for any sort of distraction to fill the time between her phonecalls and unexpected visits.
And as time wore on, I began to see her boyfriend less and less. During that time, her visits became more frequent, and our encounters more bizarre; we would push each other to do increasingly derranged things, and when all was said and done, rinse it all away with affection that was equal parts physical and emotional. We were crippling one another, and then using each other for support.
Things persisted like this for another couple of months, escalating until thoughts of her seemed to begin to manifest as an atonal droning that rang in my head at all times. By this time we were nearly inseperable, barely able to function without one another. At some point, however, I realized things for what they were, and became afraid for my mental health, and started drinking uncontrollably to escape the vortex that was her. Things became violent at times, but she stayed with me through it all. And at some point, I guess she also had an epiphany, because she started to visit less and less, and when she did show up, she was cold and distant.
This was the state of things until two weeks ago, when, during a visit, she began talking about her boyfriend, which she hadn't done since I met her. Naturally, I was put off by it and made it clear that I didn't want to hear about him. We got into a fight, and she left. For a few days, I was a wreck; I couldn't sleep, wouldn't go outside, and would prepare food, but wouldn't eat it. I would let it sit around my room until it became rotten and flies started to swarm it. After a week of that, I decided to call her and ask her to hang out or something. So there I was, sitting in my room, nervous as hell, the phone pressed to my ear so that I could hear it over the loud buzzing of the hundreds of fat little flies that made my home their own-- when I hear the nasally voice of her boyfriend pick up on the other end.
At first I was incredulous, and then my confusion gave way to rage as I managed to wrap my head around what was going on. I blacked out, destroyed my room, and shredded my knuckles punching shit. I came awake behind the wheel of my car, which I guess I crashed into the retaining wall in front of my house. I realized that I needed to calm down and smoked a pack of cigarettes two at a time until I puked.
Deciding that going to see her would be the best thing to do (Hey, I was pretty broken up) I tried starting my car and noticed that the headlights and hood were smashed beyond drivable condition, so I decided to walk.
While I was walking, I began to have second thoughts and considered turning around, when I noticed a pair of headlights behind me; it was a taxi.
So I whistled for the cab and when it came near, I noticed the license plate said 'FRESH' and it had dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I though "Nah, forget it" and shitposted on IJBM.
Comments
*belch*
Damn, I was expecting an open the door, get on the floor, everybody walked the dinosaur.
Oh man you got me worried and all.
I have no idea how this ended with a reference to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.
And shouldn't this be in Wonderful Posts?
A variation of this stuff: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/everybody-walk-the-dinosaur
No, that'd give away the whole thing.
How come you're the only mod I've seen here that's so keen on keeping threads subforum-appropriate?
Partially because of all the times someone makes a thread in "General" even though it could go elsewhere, I guess. And there's only like two mods people see at all nowadays :V
Ain't that the truth.
GMH used to care about keeping the categories straight, but I think he stopped caring once he realized that nobody else does, either.
I do care, but that depends on me noticing.
As for this case, I first ran into the thread late at night while stressing over reading some papers, and had about as much Sense Motive skill as Yunica Tovah (read: absolutely none) at the time. So I didn't do anything about it.
That said, @Formaldehyde has a point; in this case it'd give away the joke. Though I would have recognized it as a joke had it ended with walking the dinosaur; the current incarnaion -- the Fresh Prince thing -- was more of a "whut" to me, since I haven't seen it used before.
I saw it long, long before walking the dinosaur, and I'm sure I will continue to see it long afterwards.
Also, I have an ending for this, if anyone wants me to post it. I'd have posted it all before, but I did that whole first post from my phone, and I was getting bored.
I'd be surprised if it isn't. I only first heard the walking the dinosaur one here in IJBM, while I think I heard the Fresh Prince one like... a decade ago.
I've known Fresh Prince for a long time, but didn't know recognize it as a meme, so there was an open possibility in my head that it was a non-meme reference. (Hey, I was skimming.)
On the other hand, Walk the Dinosaur I've known to be a meme for the entire time I knew it as a thing.