It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!
Oohh boy. I get the feeling I have a bit of a problem.
For most of my life, I've kind of just gone by without really putting much effort into anything. Thanks to my natural talent for abstract thinking and memorization, I've been able to do well in science classes, if not necessarily in mathematics (despite my best efforts I could only get a "C" in precalculus.) I even scored amazingly on the ACT despite not really studying for it that much.
But now that I'm in college, I've reached the point where being smart alone won't cut it anymore. I've only barely made it through last year, and I had to take classes in the summer to get myself off of academic probation. And I wasn't even a full-time student!
I hate work. I hate work. I only took one class over the summer, and that's just about the maximum amount of work that I'm comfortable with. Anything more than that makes me physically uncomfortable. I'm taking the full four classes this semester, and even though it's only just begun, I'm already having difficulty focusing. I can't work without desperately wishing I was doing something I enjoy, and the tension I feel becomes so thick that it almost hurts.
The closest I've ever come to enjoying something productive is computer programming, and it still involves enough concentration and mental effort that I only ever do it for a class. My little brother likes to program, too, and he does it in his spare time. He may already even be better than me, and he's only 12. The only things I ever even think to do in my spare time are play games or browse the internet for amusing pictures and videos.
I want to accomplish more, in a sense that I want me accomplishing more to happen, but I don't really want it in a way that gives me any sort of drive or ambition. For example, my imagination is active enough that I often find myself coming up with fanfic ideas that I want to write, but the task of writing is so intensive that I don't even get through the first page before I just say "fuck it" and abandon it entirely. I can't do work if I don't feel that I'm obligated to do it.
I think the biggest cause of this problem is that I don't really find any satisfaction in doing a job well. When I'm finished with my work, my first thought is "thank God that's over with, now what do I get?" And whatever I do get, if anything, almost never means anything to me. I get a grade, so what? Where's my money? Where is the reward I can use? Do I get a new video game or a new pack of cards? I understand that I have to work for my future, but from the way it feels it's as though I'm not getting a thing.
I know that this is a problem. I want to be able to work without getting angry about how I could be doing something fun. I want to be able to actually focus on accomplishing something. I want to give a shit about doing something with my life, but right now I feel utterly powerless, a slave to impulse.