The What Time I Go To Sleep Issue

glennmagusharvey

My parents want me to sleep earlier.

Left to my own devices, I typically go to bed at around 2 AM to 2:30 AM.  Sometimes earlier (like even before midnight), and sometimes later (like 5 AM), depending on what stuff is happening.  My parents don't like this.

First, they claim that sleeping by about midnight would be much better for my health, as they believe a daylight lifestyle and a quieter sleeping hours would be beneficial.  My mom is especially--make that extremely irritated at my allegedly not caring about my own health.

Second and third, and these are minor reasons, they complain that I waste electricity (and am hypocritical considering what I study--namely, climate change and energy issues), and they complain that I make noise in the house when I'm still awake.

Of course, they can't force me to fall asleep at a certain time, but their observation is that when I'm up late, I am generally on the internet, usually conversing with people (such as here).  So my mom decided that she'll just turn off the router at midnight.

And that highlights the zeroth reason why they want to do this: They believe that I lack discipline, and this is the way to teach it.  Specifically, I have a less-than-stellar academic record in my college years, and my mom (and my dad to some extent too, but he makes less of a point of this) attributes that in part to my "choosing" to "let" myself waste time playing games, sleep late, and miss classes.  And she claims that I still haven't learned my lesson yet, and she implicitly believes that what she does will help teach me the discipline that I allegedly lack.  She's also desperately afraid as hell that I'll screw up my PhD studies (and more distantly, my career) in the same way.

Now, here's the funny thing: I actually agree with them that I need to sleep earlier.  But the router shenanigans don't work.  And here's why:

1. Creating drama right before I'm supposed to go to bed is a bad idea.  Given that my mom likes to cite sleep experts who cite the benefits of an early and regular sleep schedule, what about them saying that the period before one's sleep should be calm and quiet?  She doesn't understand that she creates drama and tension by doing this--and especially by making a point of telling me she's going to turn off the router.  She claims that it's a courtesy...which I appreciate but I have to say it works the wrong way.
1a. It's like a reminder that I had better quickly finish up what I was doing, and rush to get things done before midnight (or, even worse, rush to get things done as I also listen carefully to the sounds coming from downstairs to predict when she or my dad will turn off the router).  It's even worse when I have to delay going to the bathroom just to make the most of my last hour.  (I already purposely wait until after the router's turned off to brush my teeth and stuff.)
1b. Given that we've had major drama happen because of this issue, mentioning it out loud just invites a repeat of such drama.
2. My mom accuses me of being too attached to computer/internet activities.  If I go to bed shortly after she turns off the router, that'll merely prove this narrative.  So I have an incentive to defy this just to disprove this narrative.
3. This just makes me have to use up more "mental RAM" for less important things, because I can't do them or am suddenly stopped in the middle of them.  Things I need to do, such as "say message A to person B" or "write e-mail C", are stopped either before I get to them or in the midst of them, and now I need to remember to do them in the morning.  It's even worse because I normally try to more important things during the day, and usually leave more leisurely obligations (such as my helping manage IJBM) to the late evening, after fulfilling other obligations--so now I have to spend the beginning of the next day doing the things I meant to do at the end of the previous day.  And inevitably, my parents will insist that these sorts of obligations--including social obligations to what they believe to be random online strangers--don't matter, and are things that I can (or should) just drop and walk away from.  (My mom has compared such internet-based social obligations to drug addictions.)  And the other response is "why didn't you start earlier?".

My parents either don't acknowledge or don't understand these reasons.  Maybe it's being tired of not getting their way with this issue in a long-simmering tug-of-war.  Maybe it's that they don't feel at all like trying to reach out to the other side when they're sleepy, because inevitably, drama over this happens around bedtime.

So, okay, I'll deal with that.  You turn off the router, I'll live with it.  I'll just save up or drop whatever I was doing, and then go on and do something that doesn't require an internet connection.  Occasionally, if I have something really important that requires an internet connection, such as an application (or if I really really feel sick of dealing with this, very occasionally), then I'll sneak downstairs and turn it back on, and I'll turn it back off later.

Not to mention that this actually puts a subtle--yet probably more significant--penalty on using the internet late.  Because I have to turn it back off in order to escape detection, I need to sneak downstairs twice--once to turn it on and once to turn it off.  This also means that I can't just do whatever on the computer until I'm about to fall asleep and then crawl four feet over to my bed--I have to define goals and expectations regarding what I want to get done.  Which itself is a good source of discipline training--just not what my parents were intending.

And I guess the other silver lining is that having no internet access also encourages me to do things I can accomplish without it--such as writing music or finishing some older games.

Thing is, though, if I ever get found out having turned the router back on, or refuse to let it be turned off...oh, my.  The consequences can be...let's just say loud for extended periods of time.

Despite my best efforts to work in the dark (which she says is bad for my eyes) or be quiet, she, whenever not extremely tired, is pretty much paranoid about highly concerned about and attentive to the fact that I'm still up and doing stuff.  (The fact that I've been found out doesn't help, of course.)  So something my mom (and very occasionally my dad) might do is to actually check on whether I've gone to sleep yet.

When I get found out, my mom will first become extremely angry.  Then I get a long, rage-filled tirade from her about my time management skills (or lack thereof), my attitude toward work, my attitude toward academics, my personality, my character, my self-discipline (or lack thereof), my (allegedly) being addicted to the computer, my (allegedly) being addicted to being online, my (allegedly) having too many activities, my (allegedly) constantly conjuring up new activities to waste time (such as joining--and GASP! taking leadership positions in internet communities), my academic record (selectively--no mention about the good parts, but boundlessly enthusiastic mentions of the bad parts, of course), and accusations that my behavior infuriates her to no end.  And accusations that I chose to neglect my academic work in favor of play and wasting time...yet no acknowledgement that my mom similarly chose to get mad and launch tirades at me.

(My dad considers nighttime to be for sleeping so he just says a few things to make me feel guilty and then goes back to bed.  Or maybe this is because he lets my mom handle the dirty work of confronting me most of the time.  He is also extremely annoyed at being woken up by my mom and I arguing at strange hours of the night, and of course he blames it entirely on me.)

What's more, my parents have threatened to simply stop internet service to our house.  While they haven't done it, I take this threat seriously, though with a sense of inevitability, to indicate to them that I am not at all "addicted" to being online.  I also have generally avoided doing anything that involves being online and interacting with people at a scheduled time (this is one of a few reasons I don't want to do scheduled RP sessions).  When asked what I think of having no internet access at home, I just say "well, enjoy the inconvenience"--because, frankly speaking, what else can I do?  I ain't gonna sit around moping and crying about it all day; that's a complete waste of time.  I just figure out what I can do with what I have, and life goes on anyway.

Of course, in a way, this negates the value of the threat, so there's also my mom occasionally complaining that I see myself so lowly that I'm willing to let people just do whatever to me.  It would be bothersome to explain to her, but to be honest, it's not about being lowly or proud.  It's about being practical.

Not to mention that they recognize that it would be mightily inconvenient for them.  My mom likens it to a saying about chopping off one's toes to avoid getting them bitten by dirt bugs.  And then she says I am the dirt bugs pestering her...really, now?  I'm the one who takes pains to be quiet (and sometimes keep the lights off, even to the possible detriment of my own vision), to keep my own activities to myself.  I don't bother them at all...okay, except for the occasional bathroom break, but they go to the bathroom in the middle of the night too.  Of course, that's no consolation to them because, for them it misses the key points of forcing me into a corner in order to attempt to build self-discipline and forcing me to do something they believe is beneficial to my health.

So they don't shut it off.  Instead, my mom turns it off at midnight every day.  Sometimes she's really tired and turns it off early.  Other times she makes a point of saying how much she has to suffer to stay up until midnight even when really sleepy just to turn off the router, and how she could turn it off earlier if not for her being so gracious and nice to me to allow me to continue using it until midnight.

Like that's not inviting drama.

And like tons of drama and nightly threats of dramabombs don't contribute to poor health because health isn't related to stress.  And like such threats don't make it difficult to get things done.

Schitzo

-shoulder pat-

I can relate to your situation, and I present to you, this:

LouieW

Granted, I agree that turning off the router and threatening to stop your internet are inappropriate reactions to the issue, but I think that your parents are probably right about staying up late. Seems to me like establishing a good regular sleep schedule will help you later on, especially when you have a job.

While this is also conjecture on my part, my guess is that your parents are anxious about your future and the internet thing is kind of a weird way of communicating the stuff you mentioned about self-discipline. It might be a good idea to go along with more of what your parents are saying for the time being and then hopefully you can garner some more respect after you start your PhD studies and demonstrate your self-discipline. Even if that might not sound very fun, I doubt you will get anywhere arguing with them, at least not right now.

Ironweaver

I have to agree with Louie here. You're an adult, and way too old for them to make such threats, but their point is still correct. Staying up late for fun activities once in a while is perfectly okay, but you can't regularly sacrifice the "important" stuff so you could enjoy them.

A piece of advice (at least, it works this way with me and my mom): try focusing on your studies for about a week and drastically cutting down on your free time. After a week or so, you'll already find it way easier than before, and you won't "need" the internet that much as before. Your parents will probably stop with turning off the router, too.

As for the "obligations" you have towards us at IJBM and other communities - we like you, and would hate to see the, honestly, not-so-important stuff you do with us ruin your future in the long run. There are priorities.