Let's read some absurd fiction! (NSFW)

Eelektross

The other day, I was on the internet when I saw the phrase "mighty wolf urine" being used in a completely unironic context. Seriously, "mighty wolf urine" used outside of anything but really elaborate parody. And I realized "man, I need to take a look at all this shit and share it with some people!" That was the beginning of this thread. This is for all of the bigoted, stupid, unintentionally over-the-top, or just plain boring works I find on the Internet. 

OK, let's get this show on the road!

A ROLLER COASTER LIFE

Despite the title, A ROLLER COASTER LIFE is anything but. It is a very, very poorly written piece of work, in fact. The setting is cliche, the characters are boring, and the prose just plain sucks. Let's read the synopsis.

A story of a half French half British girl, who tried living in France for her grandparents wish and moved to Canada with her parents because her father accepted a job there and when they started living there she met a Canadian boy who became her first love and God had other plans for them which brought them to California which gave them a new set of life.

God, it's like a shitty fanfic of a shitty soap-opera.

When I was born until I turn 11 I lived in United Kingdom with my lovely parents. They are both half French and half British but they aren't really French Citizens because they really haven't been in the France since the day they were both born. Both of their parents stayed in UK for a long time already.

Since both of my grandmothers are French, they wanted me to experience how to live in France, so they decided to bring me there to continue studying even just for a year. At first I didn't wanted to but when I came to France and started studying on an all girl school I kind of liked it already I stayed at France when I was 12, there when your 12 years old your already a 6th grader so it was sort of awesome as well. I had a lot of friends and met some high school guys that study in other schools as well. Mostly boy students who study in a private all boys' school. One school in particular. They were all nice and friendly, in fact, I became popular. I guess? Because some of my classmates say that I am friends with the popular girls and they are the only ones who get to be friends with private school boys. Maybe because I was a foreigner and stuff and that I became friends with the popular girls at my school and some old students envy me because I get to be friends with the popular ones. And maybe because I was different. I really don't know. Well I didn't choose my friends though they just came to me and asked me if I wanted to be friends with them so it just kind of happened for me. I also had a lot of suitors at that very young age too. But I thought none of them was good enough for me and that I wasn't ready to have a relationship then especially that I know I wasn't going to stay forever in France I wouldn't wanted to hurt their feelings though. Also mine as well. Besides, I thought I was too young to start a relationship.

A prime example of the author's wonderful writing. Seriously, that must've broken a world record for something. Even ignoring the incredibly dragged-on prose, what I can glean from this text is that the main character is a really boring and generic character. I mean, what did we learn from this paragraph aside from the fact that the main character was really popular in her old school and is of French background? 

I'll summarize the next few paragraphs: the main character's father takes a job in Canada and she is forced to move there. She spends a few sentences talking about how much she misses the UK before describing, in agonizingly slow detail, her encounter with a boy.

When we were about to unpack and arrange our house there's this boy who came to me and said "Hi." I looked at him and had a confused look at his face; he looked pretty handsome and his face really struck me, some boys in France did this to me too but this one was different. Does a 13 year old girl get to fall in love already? I mean like love at first sight? Is that even real? He was still staring and smiling at me so I just said "Hi." to him as well. He went nearer to me and asked me "Do you need a help?" I was still looking at him then I looked at the luggages and boxes below my feet so I answered back "Oh, no thank you. No need to bother though. I can handle this." I smiled at him and tried to pick some of our stuffs. He did a crooked smile then took a bag and tried to carry it then he said "I insist Miss British girl." I looked at him. I was looking up when he stood in front of me. My eyes widened when he flashed a smile at my face and I just inhaled his breathe; it smelled really nice it was minty. He laughed and asked "Is there something wrong?" I blinked and looked away from his awkwardly beautiful face. My cheeks were getting hot. I tried to find my words and said "Nothing. No not at all. And yes I'm British." He smiled again and asked "So where do I put these?" I pointed to the living room and said "Just put them there, thank you." He obeyed immediately and said "You're welcome Miss British girl."

The dialogue in this paragraph is so unnatural it isn't even funny. Come to think of it, this story isn't funny at all. When you've read these paragraphs, you've pretty much read the entire story. It's just one forced, incredibly boring, and cliche paragraph after the next! Seriously.

fourteenwings

I've read a few horrible books, one that always stays on my mind is a British one (Called Boys For Beginners) about a teenage tomboy who has to transform into a girly girl because she has a crush. Now that's an annoying cliche common in all romance genre stories (Hey girls! You're asexual? A Tomboy? LIES! You just need to meet the perfect hot guy!)

Got really a little carried away. Can't wait to read more!