InsanityAddict reads I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell and shares sage relationship advice

InsanityAddict

By choosing to whitewash the inherently misogynistic genre of fratire for my master thesis, I have finally seen the light, and will now dispense unisex advice on how to hook up involving copious use of alpha-beta false dichotomies and the phrase "man up".

Since most of you dweebs never seem to go outside anyway, you may also pitch hypo(pa)thetical situations for fun and profit.

For our first issue, we figure out how to beat the friend zone:

Step 1)First, the friendzone always occurs because you focus too much on one person at the time. We live in a capitalist society, people are interchangeable commodities. Don't bet all your money on one horse, especially not if he or she has a face like one.

Step 2)Can't get over said person? Never mind then. As When Harry Met Sally has told us, a man and a woman can't ever be just friends. If your friend somehow does not sexualize you in one way or another, beware. He or she is probably a robot, an alien, a split personality or some combination thereof.

Step 3)Now that you have ascertained your object of obsession is indeed human, try to drop hints that you're a popular commodity with the other sex. Making fake Facebook profiles with pictures of underwear models helps, as well as randomly scattering used condoms through your living space.

Step 4)On second thought, if she's actually in your living space, get the both of you drunk. Since the more drunk one is, the more rapey the connotations are, make sure you are more drunk than your friend, so he or she takes all the blame.

Step 5)You're supposedly popular and know how to let loose with the help of booze, so by now he or she will feel too underconfident to ever have a chance with you(because in the friendzone equation, the other one is always an insecure wreck). Show him or her your interest by compliment her looks. You don't want to sound too committed, though so drop in an unflattering remark about his or her clothes.

Step 6)Now that the subconscious yadeeya that clothes have to be done away with has been established, try to move to the bedroom. Dragging the telly over there is a good decision(you've probably ended up watching his or her favourite series/movie for the umpteenth time anyway) to smooth this process along. If you're already sitting on the bed due to having a shittily small living space, skip this step.

Step 7)Right now, ask him or her if it isn't a good time to go home now since you're feeling sleepy. The earlier it is, the better. Lie down to add to the passive-aggressiveness, and the friend will probably inform what's wrong. Say 'nothing' and turn away, then wait for the person to reach out to you. Jump away at their touch. Say you're uncomfortable with this level of intimacy.

Step 8)At this point, the agency has rested solely on the other person, so ravish him or her while loudly moaning "I see you as a brother/sister" or "I only like you as a friend" during the ensuing intercourse. This puts the agency for all action with them.

Step 9)The morning after, they will probably feel overwhelming guilt. Use this as leverage to have them make breakfast for you.

Step 10)Brag about this in a dismissive manner to all your friends. This is a vital element to ensure the 'mistake' will have no further consequences.

Now go forth, and be the scum you were meant to be!

Ponicalica

Tucker Max: continued proof that Duke is terrible.

CountryPumpkin

Or you could just use the D.E.N.N.I.S. system.

Ponicalica

Jesus Christ, that was horrifying.