United States Foreign Policy with Herman Cain

CountryPumpkin

 

Using this map of the density of Facebook accounts- the only truly unbiased, peer-reviewed way to present visual data of a country- I, former Presidential candidate and current goldfish murderer Herman Cain have a few things to say about foreign policy. You should probably listen, because I am the CEO of a pizza company.

• Canada is our "friend and ally." As you can see from this map, Canada has no Facebook.


• Mexico is our slightly less distinguished "friend and partner," doubtless because they're trying to sabotage the United States with an influx of cheap labor. Once we get rid of all the illegal immigrants (with a cannon, presumably), they'll get a Relationship Status Upgrade to "Canada"! That is the highest hope of all Mexicans; to be as beloved by Americans as Canadians are.


• Venezuela is home to an "adversary regime." Herman Cain, expert on foreign policy that he is, knows that Venezuela has lots of diamonds, which means that they're not our bitter enemies. But we still dislike them, because


• U.k. holds the nearest and dearest place on our Wall; a "special relationship." While we may have suspicions that U.k. has been canoodling behind our backs with Canada, U.k. birthed us, and we broke because taxes. Which is why the Tea Party is so wonderful! Yes, we've had our fair share of disagreements with U.k. Our playful antagonism can always be set aside, though, for some bonding in the form of killing our enemies, such as Nazis, Indians, and the French.


• Russia is our "rival." They have almost half as many nukes as we do, therefore they are twice as dangerous and wily. Ever since the Velvet Revolution of 1918, named for the material that now drapes all of Red Square, the Russians have suffered under a long line of brutal Communist dictators, from Lennon to Stalin to Putin. I guess they can't get "in" to the spirit of democracy! Ho-ho-ho! 


• Israel is our "friend and ally." Much as we were birthed from Uk, the Jews of Europe and America birthed Israel. That's not to say the space was unoccupied, but hey, when you make a Godfather's Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza without breaking a few bacons! And now, much like we have followed in the steps of U.K., Israel has been following all of our moves, from supporting brutal dictatorships to hoarding nuclear weapons (Don't tell anyone about those, though! They're secret). Speaking of nuclear weapons...


• Iran is an "adversary regime," and if it were not for the fact that cowardly liberals have tied together the hands of Congress and that also I am not President, I'd bomb them until they were a glass parking lot! The Iranians, so I have heard, have got thousands of nukes, just waiting to kill the world's Jews and- get this- turn plucky little Israel into a parking lot! What deranged lunatic would try and do that? 


• Egypt, much like other Middle Eastern countries like Libya and Venezuela, holds "danger and opportunity." The danger is that a bunch of crazed, lunatic nutjob Muslims are trying to take over the government. Muslims! I'm not suggesting any direct action, but maybe we could get the CIA to teach their government how to run elections, if you know what I'm saying. But on the other hand, as a fledgling democracy, recently emancipated from the brutal rule of dictator Mummer Gaddeffi, they can quickly learn the value of capitalism. I say that Egyptians are not truly free until there's a Burger King on every corner and they get to taste the warm, thick juicy taste of not only a hamburger, but also my very own Godfather's Pizza Bacon Cheeseburger Pizza.


• China is a "competitor." Our shores are overflowing with cheap plastic garbage from China, made by the hands of dirty child laborers. They need to learn the American Manufacturing Way and employ immigrants rather than children. Also, they held the 2008 Olympics in China, proving once and for all the liberal bias of mainstream sports. Much like Iran, China is trying to begin its very own nuclear program. Only time will tell if they successfully acquire nuclear weapons.


• North Korea is an "adversary regime." It leader, Kim-Jong-Ill, has ruled the country for decades. He soon seeks to place his oldest sun, Kim-Jong-Ill II, in power. Hey Kim: maybe your people wouldn't be starving if even the royal family weren't always so ILL! Ho-ho-ho! Much like Iran and China, North Korea is trying to build its nuclear weapons. While we have no concrete evidence of any yet, it seems that we can invade based on this gut feeling whenever we like. The only reason I wouldn't is because I highly dislike Korean BBQ.


• Japan, much like Canada, is a "friend and ally." And like Canada, it is a cold and frozen tundra where nothing grows. This is why their cities are so big and they eat so much fish. I highly respect the Japanese people, for their temerity, hard-working, can-do All-American attitude, and their ability to craft the most beautiful and creatively boundless epic sagas ever seen on screen.


• Pakistan also holds "danger and opportunity." Therefore, it is basically the exact same thing as Egypt. However, I have heard that they like to get "stoned" in Pakistan. As a clean and pure man, I highly condemn this. In addition, Osama bin Laden was found hiding in Pakistan. Only through the brave work of the Pakistani military were we able to capture him. Thank you, Pakistani military, for being so helpful and cooperative in the capture of Osama bin Laden.


• India is a "strategic partner." Indeed, they are quite good at strategizing new ways for my phone to break. Hey, Sanjay, if you speak for an American company then why don't you speak very fluently in American? Your thick accent prevents me from learning how to properly delete photos from my camera, phone, computer, and entire person. Wouldn't want anybody getting them.

Other parts of the world also have Facebook, but alas my campaign team was unable to identify them. They appear to be Alaska and Hawaii. Notice my highly skilled expertise on foreign policy. Even if I can't get the nomination for Republican candidate for President of the United States, I can assure you good folks that, as a brother, he will be able to appoint me both Secretary of Foreign Policy and Secretary of Food. This is Herman Cain signing off with some inspiring words: "Let me take you to a place that you've never seen. Never been, only dreamed, where I can take away all of your pain." Let me take the pain away, America. Perhaps your pain would go away if you were to unbutton that shirt. You look flustered. Here, let me help you with that.

Ironweaver

Presumably, us Balkanites get free blowjobs from American G.I.s.

Zennistrad

>Herman Cain

There's your problem. The guy used Sim City as a basis for tax policy.

CountryPumpkin

Presumably, us Balkanites get free blowjobs from American G.I.s.

I am shocked and appalled at your suggestion. There is no place for sexual misconduct in this thread, sir. I won't hear of it.

There's your problem. The guy used Sim City as a basis for tax policy.

But it's my policy, so it's correct. Any questions?

glennmagusharvey

nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine, nine nine nine

holla holla get dollar

Eelektross

Don't diss Herman Cain,he's a Pokemon Master.