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-UE
An IJBM Christmas Carol.
Old Juan was dead as a doornail. Still, Ebenezer Malk was far too stingy to change the name on the door, so there it stayed: Juan and Malkavian's Comic Shop. Malk and Juan had particular ways of running a comic shop, one of the most notable was banning anyone who asked for anything by Kevin Smith or Jeph Loeb. And most noticeably, they banned Christmas decoration and ornaments.
"Excuse me sir," came the voice of Malk's one worker and assistant Bob Clockwork. "Christmas is coming and I was wondering if I could have the day off."
"Very well," Malk muttered. "Not like anyone comes here anymore."
That was when there was the bell of a customer coming in was heard and Malk turned his greedy eyes to the door, which fell in disappointment when he saw who it was: his nephew and decorated swordsmaster Alex.
"Merry Christmas, Uncle Malk!" cried Alex, a big bag of gifts over his shoulders.
"And what is there to be merry about, boy?" grumbled Malk. "Event comics everywhere! Fangirls saying Loki was the good guy! The Triple A game industry in stagnation and full of military shooter clones! Indeed, one wishes the industry would fall and save us the grief. Christmas does us no good!"
"Why, uncle!" Alex cried in protest. "To say Christmas does us no good is to misunderstand history of Christmas and how many swordsmen helped shaped, including the great Swordsman Saint Nicholas who slayed the pagan demon the Krampus-"
"Yes, yes." Malk said. "We know. Is there a reason you came?"
"Simply to invite you to my Christmas dinner is all." explained Alex. "I wish you would meet my fiancee?"
Malk snorted. "What? Is she a zweihander?"
"I don't see how that's relevant." Alex replied.
"No Christmas dinner for me, I'm afraid." Malk replied. "Someone must watch the comic shop as my worker seems to see some importance in taking a day off."
"Please, uncle." Alex said. "No one will be here on Christmas day."
"All the more reason to be here!" cried Malk.
Sensing he was not going anywhere with this, Alex simply gave Bob Clockwork his present and was off.
That night, old Ebenezer Malk made his way back to home, but as he pulled the key out to open the door to his room, he heard his cell phone go off.
"Maaaaaaaaalk.... Maaaaaaaalk...." came a mysterious voice.
"Persona 3 suuuuuuuuuuucccccks!"
"Not as much as Eva!" came Malk's instinctual reply.
There was a hushed pause as Malk looked around the apartment building.
"Fucking Android." Malk muttered as he walked into his apartment.
Comments
Bah, humbug. It ain't nothing 'till you finish the whole story. >
Just kidding, it's brilliant, and I had a good laugh. I applaud you, sir.
Oh god.
I'm waiting for the rest as well. Just didn't want to speak up lest it be taken as a request to be put in.
That night, Malk sat in the cold by his electric heater with his Newcastle and a bowl of ramen with some episodes of Smallville to keep his grumpiness intact.
That was when he heard to shuffle of tangled computer and video game console wires.
"Maaaaalk! Maaaaaalk!" came the familiar voice of Juan Carlos. He crept forward tangled and chained down by cables, wires, and shitty comic books. "Show me your poooooorn!"
"You stop that right now." Malk replied. "If you're going to haunt me I'm not putting up with any spooky voice shit. So I just got Steel on blu-ray in the mail. You wanna watch Shaquielle O'Neal try to act?"
"Steel? Really? I know you hate yourself but damn..." Juan said. "In any case, that's not important. I'm here to tell you to change your ways or you'll be stuck like me."
"So if I change my ways what happens to you?"
"I'm still stuck like this." Juan said. "Hell's big on the whole eternity thing."
"Damn. That sucks. But wait, how do I know you're not just a drunken hallucination?"
"Because at the stroke of midnight you'll be visited by three ghosts!" Juan cried. "The ghost of the great Christmas Alk, the ghost Christmas Saigyouji and the quite Dyre ghost of Christmas yet to be!"
"You just made those up!" Malk protested.
"Did not!" Juan replied. "They'll come at midnight, just you waaaait!"
And so Malk went to bed, dismissing Juan as a figment of his imagination. That was, until the stroke of midnight.
"Hey Malk! Wake up!" came Alk's voice.
"I am up!" Malk replied. "It's only midnight!"
"Get of bed, man." Alk said. "I need to take you on a journey of self-discovery in your past."
"There are going to be stupid jokes about comic books, aren't there?"
"You bet there are." Alk said.
And with that he grabbed Malk as he started making a sound something like.
"vrooom vrooom WOOOP WOOOP WOOOP WOOOP!"
Question. Was the decision to make Saigyouji a ghost coincidental?
Also:
I just want to say that this is actually a transcript of how my meeting with Malk went down.
At least, they share the same number of Dick(ens) jokes.
Fucking died.
This is brilliant. I eagerly await the rest.
This thread is win already.
I kind of have the urge to cosplay myself now.
man juan if you actually said this i will make you wish you WERE a ghost
even though P3 is the worst Persona game
sorry but it's a truth of the universe
like how fish need bicycles
"Would you stop making those Tardis noises already?" Malk asked.
"You're no fun." replied Alk.
"So where's our first stop?" asked Malk.
Malk was answered as he saw himself as a young boy, holding a set of comics he had just gotten for Christmas.
"A Spider-man and Wolverine comic?!" Malk said. "And it's drawn by Todd McFarlane! Thank you dad! This is gonna be awesome!"
"A painful memory I imagine." Alk said.
"I... I had never been let down by a comic before." Malk said. "It was an educational Christmas."
"But not the only one." Alk said. "Come we shall see another memory back in one of your favorite places!"
And there they were, at his first job at the It Just Bars Me where they were serving up fresh anger at Malk's first job.
"Why! It's old Glenniwig!" cried Malk. "I haven't seen him in years!"
"Indeed, Malk." said Alk. "It was thanks to Glenniwig that you had your best Christmases here. It was where you met your first waifu."
Malk nodded. "How I miss her. After her series went out of print I never saw her again."
Alk nodded. "What day was that."
"A Christmas day... when my copy disappeared..." Malk said. "Forever leaving a hole in my shelf."
"And that's when you started hating Christmas?"
"No, not for that." Malk said. "It was because they cancelled Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E. in December!"
"And with that we come to the end of our journey through the past." Alk informed him, and just like that Malk was back in his bed. "Wait for a moment and the next ghost shall visit you! Also, how was The Hobbit?"
"Pretty darn good. Almost made me consider not being a hateful miser." Malk answered.
"Damn, if it were just a little better you'd have saved us a lot of work."
Malk shrugged as Alk disappeared.
It but a moment as Malk heard gaming just in the next room. As he came in he saw a ghost in a large flannel robe playing some retro game.
"And you are the next spirit to visit me?" asked Malk.
"Indeed!" cried Saigyouji! "Touch my robe and we shall be off!"
"....I need an adult." Malk said. "Or a ghost buster."
Preferably both.
This is so fuck great.
And ever since then, it's been tradition to throw sophisticated bladed weaponry through residential windows on the night of Christmas Eve.
In any case, I am enjoying reading this and please proceed.
They went through the city, seeing many of the sights. "Where are we headed?"
"You'll know it when we get there." Saigyouji said as they were now in the parlor of Alex's nephew. There he was with his fiancee whom -to Malk's great surprise- was not a sword but an actual person. They were playing Apples to Apples with their guests.
"The word for this round is..." Alex said, putting a card down. "Miniscule."
Malk looked around at the cards, seeing Alex's fiancee as having Napoleon in her hand, but instead she began scribbling on her wild card.
"What a waste of that card." grumbled Malk. "My nephew hasn't exactly chosen a bright girl."
"Perhaps." Saigyouji said.
Alex collected the cards and began flipping them over until it came up 'Ebenezer Malk's heart' and raucous laughter was heard by all.
"Quite funny." said Malk. "Am I here just to be insulted?"
"Actually you're here to see the fun Christmas brings and what you're missing out on." Saigyouji said. "The insulting is just a bonus. But come! Time for another place for you to see!"
And the flew to a house that Malk had never seen before; tiny and run-down. Who lived in there? Why no one but Bob Clockwork, and his two children Forzare and Tiny Nines!
There they were gathered around the table with their family with a pathetically tiny dinner of Christmas Ramen.
"Father, thank you for this great bounty." Tiny Nines said in a voice so cute Malk was pretty sure his teeth were rotted even more. "Perhaps after this we could play those games we gave up eating for a week for? Can we play some fighting games, even if they abuse me just like everything else in life?"
"Okay, okay." said Malk. "This is kind of charming."
"It is..." said Saigyouji. "Sadly, if Tiny Nines does not get the money for the operation he needs, he will not have many more Christmases."
"Whoah, dude. Guilt trip much? I pay his dad legal frickin' wages."
"That's kind of what this whole thing is about, what with you kind of being a douche bag. Guilt's actually what we're all about. Make you a better person and all."
"Dude, you're -my- therapist." Malk replied.
"Yeah, but you're not paying me, and looking at Mr. Clockwork that's a good thing." Saigyouji replied. "And it looks like you're time's up."
Malk awoke in his bed to look up and see a silent figure in a large hooded rope made in the style of Hello Kitty.
It curled an incredibly moe finger forward and backwards twice.
oh my god bob's family is just genius
Tiny Nines is now Everest's official name. I demand it.
Is Tiny Nines built like a brick privy?
WHERE DO I SHOW UP GAIZ?
"Are you the Ghost of the Dyre Christmas yet to be?" asked Ebenezer Malk.
"..."
"Did you just say something?" Malk asked.
The spirit shook his head.
"You totally did! How do you do that? Make it seem like you never said anything?"
"Just follow me."replied the spirit.
He somberly followed the cute figure as the came to the back of an alley. Video games and comics and anime were being sold off left and right.
"Hey! That's my limited edition Avengers box set!" protested Malk. "What's it doing here?"
The figure said nothing as he beckoned Malk to follow him some more. Next they were at Bob Clockwork's house. There was Bob and his son Forzare, but where was Tiny Nines?
"Wait a minute now!" Malk said. "Showing me this future is kind of a dick move innit?"
The figure said nothing but merely beckoned once again as they came to a gravestone.
"Spirit..." Malk said nervously. "Whose name is it on the gravestone?"
"Who do you think?" replied the spirit.
"Oh this is bullshit." Malk said. "I'm not even thirty."
"Hey you're the star here, don't bitch. I had a great J-pop dance number that they cut out."
"Tell me spirit!" said Malk. "Is this a future that will be... or that could be?"
The spirit said nothing, but kicked Ebenezer Malk into his grave.
Malk awoke with a start as he saw the sun outside. "I'm... up in the morning? What?" Malk dashed out to the window.
"You there! Crimson!" he cried. "What Day is this?"
"Halloween! Trick or Treat, dumbass!" came the response. "What day do you fucking think it is? It's Christmas!"
Malk began giggling like he had just gotten an imported yuri doujin. "There's still time! There's still time! Crimson! Go find the best gaming PC you can as well as a Christmas goose and bring it to the clockwork residence!" Malk tossed Crimson a credit card. "And the rest left on the card is yours!"
Malk raced over to the Clockwork house, and Bob was quite surprised to see him. "Why, Mister Malk, what brings you here on Christmas?"
"Speaking of our business arrangements." Malk said sternly. "Your work has been suffering, I've noticed. No doubt do some distractions." Malk glanced at Tiny Nines who stuck his tongue out at him.
"Er, I can make some-"
"None of that." replied Malk. "Changes need to be made."
"Oh." said Bob forlornly.
"I was thinking the change would be... Malk and Clockwork's comic shop... a partnership..." Malk said.
"Err, I can't... uh.."
"Alright, alright, and I'll have comprehensive health care if you insist." Malk said. "Thanks Obama."
"You're too kind!" Bob said. "Won't you stay for our Christmas dinner!"
"I'd love to but I have a nephew's Christmas party to attend." Malk said. "I've heard his fiancee isn't even a sword!"
And off Malk went to Alex's party and had a good time. Legend states that he even acknowledged that the history of swords were pretty cool and agreed to join his nephew on a Krampus hunt.
And it was said Malk kept Christmas well from that day on. And Tiny Nines made a full recovery, despite the fact that he made no mention of his trademark phrase, because this is a secular tale and not at all because the drunken writer forgot about that part of the story.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
"Merry Christmas, Ebenezer Malk!", shouted the ghost of Juan as Ebenezer came back to his house for right after being a better person he died anyway and was doomed to an eternity watching Steel with Juan.
THIS IS...BEAUTIFUL!
/round of applause
Magnificent!
Hey, I name dropped
yaaaay
christmas is
saved
Thread of the year.