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Vampires
I was just standing in line at the pharmacy when a vampire came up and tried to suck my blood. Fortunately I managed to break off a piece of the bench and stake him.
Seriously, fuck vampires.
Comments
Did it sparkle?
OH MY GOODNESS! MY OWN WEAKNESS! CUTE THINGS!
You think that's bad? Try dealing with the elves.
After a long day at work, all I wanted was some goddamn ice cream, so I got into line and waited in the blistering heat for what seemed like an hour. Just when I got up to the counter, a group of elf chicks comes out of nowhere and gets right in front of me.
I tried to keep my voice calm and polite as I explained to the leader, this tall redhead, that I'd been in line first, and that she and her friends would have to get to the back of the line. Then, apropos nothing, the redhead looks down her nose at me - even though I'm about a foot taller than her - and says "While your ancestors were swinging from the trees, mine were perfecting the arts of magic and science."
I asked her what the flying fuck that had to do with ice cream, which she and her friends seemed to think was funny, because they all opened their mouths and went "LA LA LA LA LA" at the same time. The dwarf at the counter just shrugged and told me to just let it go, so I did. I waited for fifteen minutes while the elf chicks tried to decide between chocolate and strawberry, and then they just decided to buy all of the ice cream and cart it off on Tenser's Floating Disk.
Fucking elves, man.
^I am the same way with Psychlos. This one jerk is always taughting me. "While you were still learning how to spell your name, I was being trained to conquer galaxies!"
Please. The quote is:
"While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being TRAINED to CONQUER GALAXIES!!!!"
Although you should stay away from the ones that are from ancient Native American tribes, else you might be exposed to the douchiest vampires of all, the sparklers
Demons are where it's at man. They have the hottest chicks and throw the best parties. Just don't make deals with the higher up ones. That never goes well.
Pffffft. Mages all the way. You have to love reality benders.
THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!
Damn, I came across a PRICK of a unicorn a few days ago. Yeah, I get it, I'm a guy. Doesn't mean you can try IMPALING me, asshole!
Every time I try to melee one, it beats me to a bloody pulp. It stays at just the wrong angle from me so I can't just chuck daggers at it.
And some of these things identify as lawful, too. Lawful my ass.
God, I swear that all they are are slimmer rhinos, the lumbering baffoons
You know what the worst bit about unicorns is? They're all fucking sexist as hell.
I was with an adventuring group for a while. Knights of the Sword, we were called, 'cause we were all given sword pins by Queen Elizabeth for saving her from a possessed double decker, and it turned into a sort of badge for the group. Anyway, we'd just driven off some goblins from Grand Central Station, when their leader gets the drop on me. Goblin sword, meet gut. I'm in utter agony, so I kill the bastard then call for a medic.
Then I hear this clip-clopping, and this white horse-thing with a spike on its head comes trotting along. It passes by me, making this sort of disgusted whinny, then marches right toward our paladin, who looks like the bastard daughter of a half-ogre, lays its head at her feet and starts glowing. The paper cut she got from signing the insurance paperwork that morning heals up, and while the paladin coos and gasps the little bastard turns and walks away, stepping on my bleeding stomach in the process.
Before I blacked out I noticed that the unicorn had walked right by our mage, this cute half-Jamaican grad student with a massive wound across her chest.
Fucking unicorns.
I'll take Klingons over Psychlos bastards any day.