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Comments
I know that feeling. I also know that quite a few of them feel the same way. It's an issue that never goes away, and seems to get worse the better you are
Hell, there's another thing you can do to improve. Hop on ff-net and analyze badfic. And not just spelling/syntax errors -- that's the easy part. Be able to pinpoint why contrived things feel wrong, why humor attempts fail, where characters are inconsistent, where they come off as vengeful assholes with no redeeming or interesting qualities, and what makes characters tend to all feel like the same one-dimensional badfic-hive-mind. Don't look for instances of failure, look for patterns of it.
It's Combee, right?
I wish I could find the Beedrill X Vespiquen moonlight dance picture again. That was frigging unbelievable. I have it saved but I'd rather just link it.
Personally, I don't think your writing is terrible. It's boring and lacks emotion and rhythm. I'd be more constructively critical if I could, but I feel like I'm joining the dogpile if I do. Really, my advice is not to show your rough stuff to anyone other than a willing, and actually constructive critic. And don't start by writing porn. Writing porn is hard and takes a really decent and experienced writer, like Alan Moore, to pull off. The difficulty is evident by the fact that all porn writing sucks.
That's part of the point. I try to make the narrator sound like a Deadpan Snarker.
I've always had trouble expressing emotion.
"And don't start by writing porn. Writing porn is hard and takes a really decent and experienced writer, like Alan Moore, to pull off. The difficulty is evident by the fact that all porn writing sucks."
Technically, this isn't porn. There's not a single sex scene.
Deadpan snarkers have rhythm and emotion. "snarking" technically counts as one. What I mean is it sounds dry. If you want snark, it has to have a bite, an edge. There is no formula for generating wit, though. But I have noticed people who are well read are better at it.
^ Regarding point 2!
It doesn't matter if there's sex or not, it's still a "fetfic", which is pretty much the same genre but PG.
But the reader would not be able to see it if he wasn't hinted at it. That is where it fails. Let it speak for itself, so to speak. The reader should be able to piece it together himself with enough clues, and not a big blinking sign that says "im snarking"
I know that I am basically writing porn. But, from what I've heard, it's less that people are bad at writing porn, and more that they are bad at writing sex scenes specifically. So it will be, at the very least, marginally easier for me to not fuck up.
Schitzo: perhaps I'm describing it badly. What I kinda mean is that my narrator is supposed to be completely annoyed at everybody and constantly tears into them for humor. It's supposed to be up-front--you can see how much he insults Marco, right? He's supposed to give off the impression of being tired with the characters, and just flat-out annoyed at them, while also quipping a lot.
Also, Schitzo speaks sense, 'ave a listen
Not really. The problem is generally laziness because porn is writing for a reason other than good writing. Hell, you even said it yourself:
it's porn. Stop reading it and expecting to find something on the caliber of War and Peace or To Kill A Mockinbird.
That is exactly the mindset that pervades the vast majority of porn. Thing is, is if all someone really wants is fap material, they'll google pictures instead of wading through half-assed prose.
You can try to hint to tone by gestures or actions, or interactions with scenery and background. You can state how slowly, how fast, how loudly the words and the statement is said in the middle of it.
And as for It's Just Porn:
Never let your writing be ordinary, or "good enough". Make it memorable.
or did you give up once you realized how fucked up and depraved the internet is? -snicker snicker-
But since this is here now, I suggest reading it and learn from past mistakes.
Okay Chagen, have you learned an important lesson about having tolerance and acceptance of the various exotic fetishes your fellow internet goers have, and learning to respect them over it knowing that they should respect you just as much?
Acceptance of others is very important.