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An Alternative Batman (warning: long)
An Alternative Batman By MoeDantes Batman (C) DC Comics ====
Midnight.
The full moon reflected off the concrete, lighting my way. I had brought a flashlight, but it turned out I didn't need it: I had no trouble whatsoever finding my way to the condemned building at the edge of town. The building in question was a housing project from old times which had fallen into disrepair and which the city had never quite gotten around to demolishing. Actually, for the most part it was still functional, just there was no electricity, no water, and no telephone. On second thought I guess it wasn't functional.
I was ready. I came dressed in a black ski mask and the darkest denim jeans and jacket I could find. They kind of clashed with my steel-toed sneakers and my gloves were obviously the first winter pair I could find, but I wasn't trying to make a fashion statement. My biggest complaint was that the whole ensemble wasn't comfortable. In the spring weather, I was sweating. But I needed it, for protection and pocket space if nothing else, though the only thing I brought with me besides my flashlight was a pocket knife. I kept both my items in the inner pockets of my jacket, and kept my hands free.
My immediate concern was, how am I gonna go about this? I knew my prey was on the top floor. Then it hit me: the fire escape! I went around the side and sure enough, there it was. I started climbing up the ladder.
Suddenly, someone came from behind and walked past me. I didn't cry out, but I was so weirded out that I stopped on the bottom rungs and just looked at the newcomer, who was peering around the corner I had just come from. I thought he hadn't seen me, until he said "That's noisy," and then motioned me to follow him. Then he went around the corner.
I only had a second to get a good look at him. At first, all I noticed was that he was wearing denim, like me. His was black through-and-through. He also had on a cloth mask, and there were these protrusions coming out the top that almost looked like ears. He seemed to be wearing a cape, but it wasn't until I rounded the corner that I got a good look at that, and found that the low part (which terminated near his angles) was cut into points... like the tips of a bat's wings.
"Batman?" I whispered the name to myself, but he glanced at me like he heard it. He was testing a doorknob when I spoke, and didn't take any time out of this to answer me. To be honest, I was kinda skeptical. I had heard about the legendary Batman, of course, but I thought he was an urban myth. Anyway, something just seemed off about this "Batman." I couldn't put my finger on anything, except one: he seemed kinda small. I mean, he was bigger than me, but he was nowhere near the towering heights I had heard tales of. He was kinda skinny, too. And don't go looking for those big, Arnold Shwarzenneger muscles either--he doesn't have 'em.
The door opened effortlessly. Batman slowly pushed it open, so it wouldn't creak, and then looked around and stepped inside. Because the moon was straight up from here, not much of the light filtered into the building so there were a lot of dark spots. I reached for my flashlight, but he put a gentle palm on my wrist. I dunno how, but I caught his message and decided to just wait for my eyes to adjust.
There was a hallway and a stair, and I head right for the stairs, but Batman put an arm in front of me and I noticed he was looking up, listening for something. He motioned for me to stay put, then crept up the stairs, balancing himself so that most of his weight was on the banister. The stairs never creaked, not even once. It made me feel a little bad when I followed, and I creaked on every step. I expected Batman to give me a lecture.
Instead he had gone on down the hall to the next stairway. He stood there watching, waiting for me to come to him. As I did, I was painfully aware that my shoes were making loud knocks on the wooden floor. After just three steps, Batman whispered "stop," and walked over to me. His footsteps barely made any sound at all.
He knelt down and lifted up my left foot, examined my shoe. Tapping it with his index finger, he said "Problem," then stood up and came around to my side. He pointed at his own feet and said "Like this."
And then I looked carefully at his step, and now I could see what he was doing: when he stepped, he'd come down with the front of the foot first, then bring down the heel. I had to practice this a bit to get it right, but when I did it was a lot more quiet than my standard step. I'm so good at this now that I sometimes do it without thinking.
Of course, I thought I should also just take off my shoes, but when Batman saw me about to do that, he stopped me and said "Condemned building, lots of things to step on. Bad choice of footwear but you'll have to make do." Without another word he once again made for the stairs, and I followed--slowly, still getting used to my new walk.
The stairs creaked a lot less this time, and by the time we crossed to the next set of stairs I was getting pretty good at creeping. I was about to ascend, but Batman stopped me, and cupped a hand to his ear.
Yep, I heard it: the unmistakable sound of somebody walking around just ahead of us. Specifically, the bogie was at the top of the stairs. I could just barely see his outline in the darkness, but I could also see the outline of his beretta, and hear the crunch of a cracker he had in his mouth. Sometimes the man passed in front of a window, and I saw him clearly: tall, lean and fierce, dressed handsomely and sporting a fedora. Pretty much the image of a movie gangster.
Unfortunately, one of those windows was right at the top of the stairs and the moon had moved a bit, so the stairs were lit up like a Christmas tree. There was a bit of clear den next to them though, that was pitch black. Batman motioned for me to stay put, and then ran for this space when the mobster carelessly glanced out the window.
I'm gonna tell you the honest truth: Seeing that guy there, seeing the situation, was the first time in the whole night that I thought this might be a really bad idea. Every impulse in my twelve-year-old mind said "Now's the time to bolt." As evidence, it kept reminding me of that scary-looking man and his scary-looking baretta, and of my loud shoes, and how every moment I felt like I was gonna faint or puke or cry out.
Then something went flying from the blackness and through the upstairs hallway. I heard a faint "ting." The mobster heard it too, and went down the hall to investigate. And then I saw Batman creep up the moonlit stairs and make down that exact same hallway. I heard a sound of an impact, and then nothing else until Batman reappeared and motioned for me to follow.
Under a different window, moonlight shone on the fallen heap of the scary-looking guy. Batman showed me the tool he had used to distract the bastard. I didn't quite believe it, so I had to ask: "A rubber band?"
"Never doubt the power of a rubber band!" Batman almost chuckled as he put the thing back in his pockets. We were both careful to maintain low voices, you understand. We're not stupid.
I shook my head, but couldn't help a smile until I glanced down the hallway. There were no stairs this time, just a long hallways with a clored door at the end, and I knew that was the one I was after. I could tell because of the thin light that came from under it, and the faint smell of cigarette smoke. The voices clinched the deal.
I knelt down and looked under the door. Though it was kind of hazy, I could see that it was a big room, big enough to take up almost the entire floor. It looked like there were two people in there. I heard a lot of talking, chuckling, joking and guffawing. I wondered what they were talking about. It didn't matter though. If I had my way, one of them would be dead tonight.
I looked to see what Batman was doing, but to my surprise, Batman was gone. That jerk! He ditched me just when I needed him most! Whatever. This was my revenge, and I had a plan!
I kept watching under the door until both their backs were turned, then slowly turned the knob and slowly opened it, the way I had seen Batman do downstairs. I was pleased at myself--no squeaks. I pulled out my pocket knife. The two guys were a dark-haired man with a medium build, and a stronger-looking man with red hair. The red-haired guy's name was Tommy Zucco. I raised my knife and ran at Zucco with a roar of anger.
Then somebody shot my knife-hand. I fell to my knees and clutched the bloody wrist. The knife clattered to the floor, and I wanted to cry out in pain but just couldn't. So what had happened? Stupid me: There was a third guy right next to the door, where I couldn't see him. He had seen me come in and had been about to get me even before I made my mad dash.
Then Zucco pulled off my ski mask. "Well well, if it isn't the little Grayson boy!"
"What's the story with the kid?" the other man asked.
"Richie's father took issue with my selling 'performance enhancers' to the school basketball team. Said something about going to the cops, but uh... I changed his mind."
"How?"
"By rearranging it all over the pavement."
They all laughed. All except the guy behind me. I guess he's one of those who never laughs. I didn't care, I was angry. Angry at Zucco, angry at Batman, angry at myself for not spotting the third guy and for thinking I could take down Zucco with just a pocket-knife, angry at how unfair all this was. In my impotent rage, I screamed "I'll kill you! I'll kill you all!"
"Maybe in the next life, kid," Tommy Zucco's friend raised his gun.
There was a bang.
And suddenly.... continued in the next post
Comments
And suddenly I wasn't the only one with a bloody wrist.
There as another bang, and the guy behind me lost his balance and fell, trying to clutch his right heel.
Tommy Zucco pulled out his own gun, but before he even had time to line up his sights Batman was on him, and was clubbing Zucco left and right with the butt of the baretta he had lifted from the guy in the hallway. I watched as Batman clubbed and clubbed and kept clubbing, thinking how weird it was that Batman was so tiny while Zucco was more normal man-size, basically towering over the superhero. And yet Batman was beating the snot out of him. There was just no contest.
The guy who had caught me off guard was clenching his teeth and aiming his gun. Despite my pain, I tried to cry out. But I didn't even get a syllable through before Batman suddenly turned around and shot the guy's hand, and then delivered a flying roundhouse kick to Zucco's face.
Three gangsters, down.
Batman knelt to turn his attention to me, but he caught Zucco's right-hand man trying to reach for his gun, took it away and did an on-the-spot disassembly. The man was so messed up at the sight of it that he stared at Batman in horror. For some reason, Batman undid and opened up his jacket. I don't know what the criminal saw there, but it made him faint right away. Batman buttoned himself up again before tending to me.
"You're lucky, the bullet only grazed it. Once I've applied some antiseptic and a bandage, you'll be all right."
The antiseptic hurt like hell, but once my hand was bandaged I was all right. Zucco groaned, Batman pulled the other two thugs into corners and tied them up with their own shoe laces. I stood over Zucco, and asked "What about him?"
"He's all yours." Batman sat in a corner, near another door I only just now realized was there, which was open and led out to the rooftop. Batman sat by it, pulled out and started playing a harmonica. I looked at him for a moment, but if he saw my glance he didn't acknowledge it at all.
I looked down at Zucco, and for a moment all my hate and anger came back, and I kicked him in the neck. The thing is, at the exact moment of impact, I held back. I'm not a violent boy by nature, and in that one moment the fact of doing something I'm not used to doing, not comfortable with doing, had never done before, everything just kind of came together and created a sort of inner resistance. I wondered if I would've pulled back like this when I had my pocket knife.
Batman's song wasn't helping. It was... I looked at him, and asked "Is that Thunder Road, by Bruce Springsteen?"
He just barely nodded his head and never stopped playing.
"That was my dad's favorite song."
I said that kind of low, so I don't think Batman heard it. I sat beside him, and just listened for a moment. I don't know why, but after all that, there was a feeling of warmth and comfort, just sitting there listening to the song being played by the guy dressed up as a bat, with a bunch of tied-up crooks around the room. I waited until the song was over, tears were running down my face, but I didn't say anything.
When Batman finished he pocketed the harmonica and walked over to Zucco. I think he was figuring he'd tie Zucco up too, but for some reason he just leaned over the guy and then came and offered me his hand, and said "Come, you need fresh air."
We walked up to the roof together, and under the full light of the moon I could see Gotham City for miles around. I guess there are some people who stand at panoramic heights like this all the time, and eventually they get bored of it. They don't know what they're missing. Okay, so four stories might not really be "panoramic," but its something.
Batman was looking up at the moon, and he cut a dashing figure in that light. I walked around to the front of him. He took in a deep breath, shook his head and began to untie his mask. I asked him "wait, are you sure?"
"mmhm!" and then he removed it, took a deep breath and mumbled something about how good it is to let her facial skin breath.
When Batman took off his mask I realized what had seemed wrong about him: Batman was a girl. That explained everything--the build, the size, the feeling of warmth and comfort I got around him, the soft voice. God how did I not realize it before? And by the way, those protrusions that I thought were bat-ears? Those were her hair, done up in ponytails.
She smiled, and walked right past me, standing at the edge of the building. I followed her, and she held out her left hand. She was offering me my pocket knife and ski mask. "You dropped these."
"Th-thanks..." I put it in my pocket, then asked "But if you're a woman, why Bat Man? Why not Bat Girl or something?"
"It throws people off," and she put her mask back on, and giggled. That giggle was the first sound she made that sounded girlish.
I shook my head and nearly laughed. I felt like I was living in a comedy and all the jokes were on me, and then I looked up at the moon, and thought about everything that had happened. It couldn't have taken more than an hour, yet it felt like a long time.
Then suddenly I remembered the guy in the hallway, and asked Batman if we shouldn't tie him up. Then I remembered she had never done Tommy Zucco.
At the mention of Zucco she put a hand on my shoulder and looked at the stairwell with a sort of sad face. After a sigh, she said "I'll handle the other guy, but Zucco... his jugular vein was crushed."
The jugular vein, that's in the neck, right? Wait, the neck... and I'm wearing steel-toed shoes... suddenly I had to run to the edge of the building and let out the remnants of my lunch. Even when I was done, I was sweating, and barely able to stand. I tried to tell myself all number of things. I was glad he's dead, he was a dumb criminal who killed my father, he deserved it... but all the time there was this one overriding message that I had done something different, something terrible, something I was never meant to do, and I could never take it back, never do it all over again and make it turn out right. And it clashed, because on one hand it was what I wanted but on the other hand I had gotten it, and oh god oh god oh god...
Batman--girl--woman--whatever held me for a good five minutes, then kissed my forehead. I couldn't help it. This is the part where they give you some sort of feel-good speech, right? Well, Batman didn't say anything. She just held me until I stopped crying, but even when that was over I still felt terrible, and told her so.
Then I pulled myself away. I realized, and again I told her so, that we were loitering too long. That guy in the hall might wake up, the cops might arrive, anything. Anyway, my mom might notice I've been gone. So me and Batman walked over the edge, where I spied the fire escape.
Before I jumped, I asked Batman "Does it ever go away?"
"It depends. Some are really easy to forget. Others not so much. But I think Tommy Zucco will be one of the easy ones."
My face said I wasn't so sure.
Batman put her arm around me and said "See that?"
"The moon? What about it?"
"When you think about it, the moon has existed before either of us was born, and is probably going to exist for millions of years after. Every night it comes up and does its thing. Sometimes we can see it, sometimes we can't, but it's always there. And I think: I don't have a lot of things I used to. My old home is gone, I lost my favorite book, and my parents... but we, all of us, will always have the moon. We'll always have grass. We'll always have trees. We'll always have water and high mountains. Sure, we might make a few mistakes here and there, but nothing will ever take away the really great things about the world!"
"Mmmm... I guess so."
She smiled. "Show a little faith, there's magic in the night!"
And then she pushed me onto the fire escape. I landed safely, looked up to see her wave and then she turned and was gone. Me, I took only a moment to get my bearings, and then walked down the escape and back to the bottom of the building, back to the street where tonight's adventure began. It was only a few minutes, but so much had happened that it seemed like a lifetime. I could barely believe it was over.
I learned the rest of the story later: an anonymous informant (my guess: the Batman herself) called from a payphone to give the police a tip as to Zucco's location. At the scene was also a note, written by the Batman, in which she told the story of what went on--except that she never mentioned me at all. What amazed me was that she wasn't actually after Tommy Zucco at all, but was actually chasing the guy I thought was his right-hand man, who was actually a wanted hit-man. She had happened to see him leaving a seedy night club and stalked him. That she nabbed Zucco at the same time was a complete coincidence.
The police checked the handwriting, by the way. It turned out to be an exact match... for Abraham Lincoln.
As for me? Tell you the truth, I don't have a good memory for faces unless I see them again and again. So I know Batman's a dark-haired woman, but heck if I could spot her in a crowd. And I don't know her name, either. I don't know if I'll ever know.
And I don't know if I'll ever pull a stunt like that again, either. It was way too scary, too thrilling. I mean yeah, in the long run it felt kind of good to beat up criminals, but I don't know. If I ever do, though, I definitely have to get a better disguise. I'm never wearing that stupid ski mask in spring again. Besides, what would I call myself?
I checked the television and noticed that Robin Hood was on. Eh, maybe my head will be a little clearer after watching some good old-fashioned Errol Flynn action.
The End
Not bad. I'd say tighten the prose up a little, although there is a certain amount of leeway there that comes from having a twelve-year-old narrating. Other than that I found myself liking this look at Batman more than I might have thought.
The reveal felt a little gratuitous--I'm not sure if the implication is that the differences between this Batman and the usual one are solely down to gender, but that's what it felt like (especially with that line "so that's why I felt so comfortable and warm"--yikes). If that's the case it's a bit disappointing, because I like the idea of a Batman who's just a bit nicer and more talkative just because. But either way, the fact of Batman being a woman doesn't overshadow the fact of Batman talking and comforting a kid his canonical counterpart would see as a soldier first.
Anyway, I enjoyed it more than I would've expected, and I'd probably read a continuing series if you went forward with it.
I have some sequel ideas, some of which would take this universe in some really different directions, but they seem to never pan out whenever I try to put them in writing. I'm thinking maybe I should post some ideas and get opinions and input from bat-fans, if they feel up to hearing it.
And yes this deserves a bump
Okay ladies and gents, tell me what you think of this one:
You know how when you take a shower, there's always somewhere you forget to clean, like under your armpits or behind your ears? Well, Gotham City is kinda like that. Most of it is a pretty nice place to be. Especially on sunny fall days like today. But there are seedy parts, the ghetto neighborhoods and filthy alleys away from the commercial districts, where the crime lords and gang leaders hang out. These are the terrors that stalk in the night. These are the dirty armpits that Gotham City forgot to wash. These are... well, you get the idea.
Me and Batman were--oh, wait, I need to fill you in. Okay, let me sidetrack: after the adventure of the condemned building, me and Batman-girl-thing met again. She remembered me and, through a series of meetings too windy to explain here, I became her sidekick. Apparently, the thing that she remembered most about me was that I wore red gloves the night I went after Zucco, so she was in the habit of calling me "Robin" when she told friends that story. I figured if she's already used to it, why not?
And in case you forgot, yeah, Batman's actually a girl. I promised I would never give away her identity while she was alive, but... anyway, Batman was Brenda Wayne. I know what you're thinking, "is she related to Bruce Wayne, that crazy billionaire who was always in the news?" Yup. She was his niece.
It gets better: Bruce Wayne was also Batman. Yeah, Digest that. One day I'll tell you the whole story of the Wayne family. It's... pretty messed up. But for now all you have to know is that Bruce Wayne and his niece are both Batman.
Anyway, to recap: it was a fall day in Gotham City and me and Bre--err, Batman--were looking out a second floor window onto a back street basketball court where a bunch of gang members were standing around, watching two combatants. One combatant was Bruce Wayne, in disguise as Batman. I'm sure you've seen pictures of him.
The other guy was Bane.
I forget what Bane's real name was, but he was a big dude. I think he was Spanish or Brazillian or something. Anyway, dude was a genius. While in prison, he had invented a sort of wonder-steroid called "Venom." After breaking out, he made his way to Gotham City. He used "Venom" to strong-arm a bunch of street gangs into following him, and from there used his genius to make himself a force to be reckoned with. Then he found out that Bruce Wayne was Batman.
What happened was that Bane personally lead a break-in of a Wayne Technology laboratory. He wanted the design specs of some new laser system WayneTech was working on, I guess so he could replicate it and arm his gang. Long story short, they made out with not only the specs for the new laser, but also some other projects. Thing you gotta know about Bruce is that he had a head for electronics and liked to design a lot of the stuff himself. Thing is, he also subconsciously slipped a bat-motif into a lot of his designs. When he realized it he would always redo the designs, but he didn't always catch the slip. This was one of those times.
And did I mention Bane was a genius? Of course he noticed the motif. And his fellows had told him about the local legend of Batman. Bane figured it out.
Then he challenged Batman to a man-to-man fight, and gave him a time and a place... and a threat: if Batman didn't show, Bane would reveal his secret identity to the world.
Bruce's worst fear had always been that he'd be found out. To him, Batman's identity being revealed would mean everything from his company going under to God losing the final war of Armageddon. So he had to accept the challenge.
All me and the other, much prettier Batman could do was sneak into a second-floor room of an unused building and watch from up high as Bruce, in costume as the original Batman, walked onto the basketball court. Where was his opponent? Well, it turned out Bane was in a building off to the side, getting ready.
Bane had a sort of ceremony, what he called a "Warrior's Art." First, he would burn four different flavors of incense, specially imported from India. While they were burning, he would meditate as a woman, dressed like a classical maiden, would string a harp somewhere behind him. Bane was kind of weird about music: to him, only simple melodies and folk songs were really music. He hated pop and big-name commercialized bands. He felt they were a "corruption of the voice of the Gods." I guess meditating in rooms full of incense messes with your head.
Then, when the incense was nearly gone, he'd get dressed. For some reason he liked to dress as a Mexican wrestler. Something about the style just appealed to him, I guess.
The very last thing he did, was inject some Venom into his body.
Now that I think about it, there may have been a point to all this ceremony: one drawback to Venom was that it made you irritable, could drive you to fits of rage. Maybe Bane did all this prep as a way to kinda counteract the bad parts of the drug with spiritualism. And I think that most of the time, it worked.
He certainly seemed pretty calm when he walked out onto the field of battle, his hordes cheering him wildly. Some girl offered her hand to him, and Bane bowed down to kiss it. The crowd fell silent. A guy holding a mini-gong stepped between the fighters as Bane and Batman took their places. The gong was struck, Gong-guy retreated to the side, and both Bane and Bruce took up combat stances.
I heard footsteps behind us and turned. Two gang members, apparently having the same ideas about watching the fight that we did, ran up to the room and were surprised to see us there. They made some threatening moves and gestures as they came towards us, but Brenda, the "Alternative Batman," didn't even seem to know they were there. No, not even when with her left hand aimed a can of mace right in their faces and fired. Now that I think about it, it makes more sense that Brenda's arm was possessed by the Archangel Michael and acted of its own accord than that Brenda somehow knew exactly where to shoot without ever once taking her eyes off the fight. I bound the two thugs quickly.
Things were going kinda slow on the field of battle. Neither Bane nor Bruce-Batman had taken a swing. It was like watching one of those Chess matches where two masters are trying to out-think each other and are waiting until the last second to make a move.
It was Bruce who finally got things moving. He stepped forward, and delivered a left to Bane's chest.
I don't think Bane even felt it.
Bruce tried again, this time delivering an uppercut. Now, Batman has these prongs on his gloves which I think cut into Bane's face a bit, because he flinched this time. Then he socked Batman in the gut.
Bruce wasn't exactly a softie either. He stepped back to catch his breath, all the while aware that now Bane was advancing on him. So he stepped back further. As he did, the wind picked up, and Batman's cape kinda flittered around him. It became a nuisance and he hastily removed it and dropped it.
"Do not pollute our dueling grounds!"
That was Bane, and Bruce, Brenda and I were all surprised to hear such a strong reaction to such a simple thing. Nonetheless, I think Bruce realized something. He picked up the cape, slung it over his shoulders, and stepped back... then dropped it again.
I could almost see Bane huff.
This time, Bruce left the cape and backed away. That seemed to tick Bane off even more. I didn't know what Bruce was playing at--if I were fighting a guy that big, the last thing I'd wanna do is make him mad.
Bruce started sidestepping around the ring. I noticed he was kinda circling Bane. He only ever went one direction--clockwise--and tried to dodge every blow without throwing one of his own. He did do some talking though.
"Winners don't use drugs, you know," Bruce delivered with a smirk.
Bane didn't say anything back. He just threw a punch that Bruce dodged by a whisker.
"That's all you are, Bane. An overachieving drug addict. If you were a football star, you'd have been kicked off the team."
"Be quiet!" Bane demanded, and threw two punches. "Why do you not strike back?"
Around here I heard Brenda whisper to herself "Dammit, uncle, you're doing it wrong! You're not cold enough!"
"What?" I asked her, but she acted like she didn't hear me.
"FIGHT ME!" Bane demanded.
And then, Bruce threw an uppercut with all of his might! His fist landed square on Bane's chin!
and Bruce staggered back. I could see the look on his face: it was horror. Whatever he had tried to do, it had failed.
Brenda hit the windowsill in frustration. I still didn't get what was happening.
Within seconds it was over. Bane quickly overpowered the terrified Bruce, his oversized hands clapping with Bruce's head in the middle. Bruce was disoriented. He fell. He could not stand up. Bane kicked him once for good measure.
Brenda got ready to jump out the window. Bane held up Bruce by the back of his costume, declared "To the victor the spoils! As is my right, I will now remove the mask and reveal the true face of Batman!"
"No you won't!" Brenda yelled just before jumping down onto the pavement. Brushing herself off, she said "Excuse me for being a little late, Bane. I see you amused yourself in the meantime. Who is that, a training dummy?"
"Who are you?" Bane asked. I was impressed--the calm had returned to his voice.
"I'm Batman!" Brenda proudly declared. "Remember, you challenged me to a fight?"
(continued in next post)
All was silence for about five seconds. Then, Bane laughed.
"Do not be silly! You can not possibly be Batman! This is Batman! And even the blind can tell just from a glance that you are a woman!"
I think Bane was a little wrong about that, because the minute he declared that a chorus of gasps and declarations of "really? is he joking?" went up all around. A lot of people tried to get a closer look, see if maybe Bat"man" really had a pair... of knockers.
Brenda chuckled.
"I see. You staged a fight with an imposter so you could worm out of fighting the genuine article."
Brenda chuckled some more, while I could see Bane visibly riling up.
Brenda spoke again, "I might have let you off the hook, but now you've insulted my manhood! I demand you fight me, man to man!"
"But you are not a man!"
"Oh?" and then... oh god, I couldn't believe I was seeing this.
Brenda pulled down the lip of her pants, just enough to show her nethers. Wait, she was showing off her... how could they not...
Then she turned around so the people near me could see, and... oh god... she was wearing a false dong. My god. Just, my god.
She covered back up and said to Bane "Do you still doubt me?"
Bane had been so upset by the display that without realizing it, he dropped Bruce. Bane was aghast. "Such... such a vulgar display! What kind of sickly creature are you?"
Brenda strutted up close to Bane, and the closer she got the more I could compare their sizes. All I could think in that moment was what kind of alien mind control is destroying the Wayne family's ability to reason? The contrast in size between Brenda and Bane, was like that of a five-year-old and Mike Tyson.
She totally ignored Bane's question, and said "Actually, I watched your fight against this imposter. Are you aware of the shortcomings in your art?"
"My art has no shortcomings!"
"Wrong!" and with each point Brenda made, she stepped back, "Your incense is not Indian but a bootleg product from Mexico, your concept of a Mucho Libre wrestler is a manufactured media image that you probably got off of television and does not reflect the true sport, those boots are imitation leather, you have a bad habit of blinking your left eye before throwing a punch and by the way you seem to favor your left arm more than your right--"
I don't know if Brenda was just shitting him or not, but she seemed to be striking a chord. Bane visibly riled. I almost thought smoke was gonna come out of his head like a cartoon or something! In any case, unquestionably the fight was on. He advanced on her, and she was backing up, presuming a fighting stance.
"--And most importantly," Brenda made one last volley, "you have no art as a warrior. There is no skill, no finesse. Just brute force. It's clear to even the lowliest peasant that all your supposed might comes from your magic steroids!"
"It is not 'magic steroids!' Venom is a product of the finest chemical science!"
"Okay, alchemy steroids!"
"It is not a steroid!" Bane blurted out, and then he rushed on Brenda and delivered a haymaker--with his left, I noticed. If I were Brenda I would've dodged right, but she instead moved really fast to the left, so that the haymaker just barely missed her. As Bane tried to take out his rage, I realized Brenda was moving in the same clockwise circular motion that her uncle had done.
I also noticed she stopped talking. In fact, something about her became cold, almost mechanical. The Brenda I knew, the one who talked and laughed and showed off, had almost been replaced by a robot who was simply going through motions. This isn't to say her skill lessened--she somehow managed to dodge all of Bane's enraged blows--but it kind of wierded me out.
Then with a subtle motion she slipped off her cape.
"DO NOT LITTER THE FIELDS OF BLOOD!"
Brenda completed a revolution around Bane, and then another. And I noticed as the fight went on, that she started moving faster and faster. And I noticed something else too: You know how the sheer heat of an open flame can sorta distort the air around it and make things hazy? Well, I was seeing that same sort of heat-haze... coming from Bane.
Brenda remained a robot.
Even when she started singing. Yeah, she sang with this creepy mechanical quality, like she was just a toy playing out its programming. As for the song, it went like this:
You're a real tough cookie/with a long history/of breaking little hearts/like the one in me
That's okay/let's see how you do it/put up your dukes/let's get down to it
"STOP SINGING!" Oh god, Bane was about to explode now. That heat haze was getting so bad that I could swear Bane was about to combust!
And Brenda was moving so fast I could barely see her now. Bane was red, Brenda was blue. Somehow in the heat of battle she had become cold as ice.
And then she clenched her fist, and channeled that icy aura into one deciding strike. Up went her fist in the smooth arc of an uppercut, and as her knuckles met Bane's gut the twisting forces of hot and cold came with it, and formed a funnel of air that shot Bane into the sky! There he flew, above the buildings, a speck in the sky, until gravity reasserted itself and he came falling like an iron back down.
He hit the very edge of a rooftop on the way down, balanced on it for a second or two, then flopped off and fell the rest of the way back to the pavement. It didn't matter what kind of witchcraft had conjured his potions of strength, for even the strength of Heracles couldn't withstand the strong arm of gravity. The human body simply wasn't made to take such punishment.
Brenda didn't even watch Bane fall. The minute she had completed her attack, she went to Bruce's side, and was already at work pulling him off the field of battle. I came down to join her, and not a single gang member tried to stop me. They seemed lost in a daze. Bane had been their God, and now he had been defeated. What cared they for a little boy scrappling through among them when the center of their life had been blasted away?
Bruce, Brenda and I left the scene without being stopped by anyone.
* * *
Bane himself was never brought to justice, but he didn't need to be. After his defeat, he lost his purpose and his way. The members of his gang, formerly so devoted, began to stray away. Some went to join other gangs. Others began to think this whole thing was stupid and got real jobs. Bane's subsequent disappearance opened a power vacuum in the criminal underworld that was plugged by the first upstart to make a name for himself. I forget who this next guy was, because honestly he was cookie cutter, a poor man's criminal. They took Bane's place, but they didn't really replace him. Bunch of sorry second rate wannabes.
In later years I heard mixed reports of what became of Bane. Either he died of drug withdrawal, or he changed his name and converted to Taoism, or else he simply disappeared and was never seen again. Brenda's stance was always "he's gone. Who cares?"
Bruce and Brenda rarely ever agree on anything, and indeed when Bruce learned what had happened, he and Brenda argued endlessly over how the situation "should" have been handled. To Bruce, Brenda made nothing but mistakes which only worked out due to sheer dumb luck (and he too was sickened to the point of repulsion by the whole false-dong thing), but to Brenda, how was it a "mistake" if it worked?
But when I asked Bruce what he thought happened to Bane, all he could say was:
"He's gone. Who cares?"
And I couldn't agree more.
The End
Don't worry, Batman's not gonna start throwing hadoukens or anything.